Distant stares

Ah... the "Kansas City Shuffle", how much i adore this tactic. For those of you who're unfamiliar with the term:

an advanced form of confidence game employing misdirection, subterfuge, and playing on the "mark(s)" arrogance and/or self-loathing. The relevance to a direction stated at the beginning of the con has no bearing to the shuffle.

... anywhos... as the week starts up again and i start moving things around in my head, i can't help but smile at all the people who've been trying to put me together these past few weeks. But there was one friend that kinda stuck out of the mass of them... one that asked me a question that i don't normally get on a regular basis. He asked: "So how does one get close to you,  someone so distant".

I have to admit, i'm not a simple person at all, that and i have a million different layers around myself. Looking at it from the outside, you'd think it would be impossible, but... thats not true. As complicated as i am, with a list of rules and regulations, i'm still pretty easy to get close to... but it probably wouldn't be the kind of "close" some people have in mind. To me... the idea of closeness differs between individuals like exs, love, and friends.

We all have our own reasons to decide what we present to other people and what we hide from others. Just because you don't get the full 100% access to a person's life doesn't make you any less a friend in my book. Like most people... we all have secrets, we all have dark parts in our pasts, presents, or what have you that are better off unsaid until the time is right. Thats why i keep people at a distance to THOSE components, because i can't risk anyone at all to know... not now at least. That is my own choosing though, to challenge that is to disrespect my choice as to what i want to do with my own life.

As far as myself; i almost wrecklessly get into friendships. hahaha, there is almost no rules to who i meet as a friend and from the get go, i open myself immensely. Where some would say it would be unsafe to be that open to a new person... i do it. I know what the consequences in doing that can be, and i'm ready for anything that may come my way that may be an opposition from my actions. Getting close to me isn't as hard as it seems... it's just a matter of how close you would want to be. There are layers upon layers of myself. People like to think that it's just me trying to protect myself... not completely.... it's also to protect the other person.

...keep in mind... i'm a darwinistic person... that should tell you the extent of my will power.

but distance... i think most people already know why i am so distant. Thats just how i can function now. If you recall some time back in early 07.... wherever there was a memory, i placed a big black void in it's place. It helped me function freely... at the cost of holding onto dreams. You'd be extremely wrong to think they were just memories of Allan... they were memories of some of my closest friends, memories of fun and great times we shared, memories that i knew would only hinder my ability to 'recover'... some of those friends... i completely erased out of my mind. As those voids grew in numbers, the further my feelings  went adrift. Why do it at all in the first place? because i just didn't want to lay there dead anymore. I wanted to live, i wanted to move on, i wanted to get back on my feet and keep walking... and the only way i could do that... was to erase people out of my memory and life.

... but for every loss... there were gains. the way i see it, for every one thing that was lost, i gained back two of a better memory, of better friends... Thats where my hope sprang from... that drive to get back up and keep on going. Thats the funny thing... these people are chosen at random as my life goes on. I never planned for these people to enter my life with this type of impact... it just happens on it's own. Fate i guess...

"cu... e vehymmo dumt res..."