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| Man, I wish I could stop feeling this antimocity against my mom. She's so emotional about stuff that shouldn't turn emotional. She's like Bill O'Reilly, really.
So, the situation is that when we were together Cortney wanted to take another class for college. We asked my mom if we could put it on the credit card, she said yes of course, so we did. We were going to pay it back when we got her financial aid check which usually recoupes the cost. What had happened was that we got to the college late and turned it in late, this meant we wouldnt get it on the 4th like regular, but no worries because it was on credit, we went in a week after the fourth to see what the hub bub was about. They said we wouldn't find out about the financial aid check until the last of the month, near that time, we broke up. The fancial aid only ended up being about 35% of the tuition, so we were kinda screwed. So now we had all these new bills with moving and stuff, and god forbid if we used it for that, but we did. Now we owe my mom this money back and she will call us constantly and remind us about it, so much so that Cortney has stopped answering her phone because my mom would just hound her like a creditter and say "you still owe me, you still owe me" because she thinks Cortney broke my heart, and as a mother thats the only way she can lash out at her and thats the only thing hanging over her head.
Cortney stopped answering her phone to save herself from this, so my mom calls upwards of 20 times. Now, my mom figures "she won't answer my calls! Shes trying to get away from me! She used me and now i'll never see her again!" all because Cortney didn't want to pick up the phone and get hounded. My mom then convinces my dad that this is happening and he ends up thinking the same thing, but about the car and the car payment. It just so happens he co-signed for our car and if she won't answer her phone (according to my mom) she's trying to get away and F-up his credit.
That was all happening in Fresno, in Seattle we were shoe shopping. They call and say how theyre going to repo the car and she doesnt deserve it (for no other reason than breaking up with me.) They call and tell me all this and it makes Cortney sad because she didn't do anything wrong, all she did was break up with me, but apparently my mom sees this as the wrong thing that makes all her debt with her due immediately. I assure my father Cortney is good for the car payment and he leaves it in my hands. My mom isn't so understanding. I called Cortney and told her that everything is cool and she thanked me and said she was actually making a payment right now.
Cortney moved out and we both had stuff going on so we decided that every one of her checks she was going to start paying her part on the stuff she owed, likewise, I was going to make payments when I had the money. This was agreed upon and my mom calls to remind me of the same exact thing, "I was just thinking about it (again) and its fucked that I'm the only one making payments on the cards (even though you're both paying other bills and haven't settled everything out after the breakup) and so I think what I'm going to do is go ahead and cancel your cards and cut mine up because this is getting crazy." She's preemptively screwing me before I even accumulate the money to actually pay it with.
Honestly, IMHO, I think its her way to lash out at Cortney for "hurting her baby" and she's making herself sick with worry over nothing. We've had a lot of stuff happening and now that everythings coming to a more settled state, we're going to make payments, soon, but not soon enough for mommy dearest, apparently.
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| So, I've been writing more of my autobiography in my little purple journal.
Cort and I broke up. She's been acting kinda mean. Making sure I know our money is seperate.
I don't know. I don't care about that sort of post-breakup stuff, but she makes it a point to make sure I know.
She also basically comes and goes as she pleases.
I thought she was my best friend.
I want to meet new people.
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| There has to be a way to both be happy.
I wish I could just fit in the little glass box and stay on the dresser while she found herself.
I've been giving it thought and I think that the best thing to do is stay together and find a way to make everything better ourselves. What do I do without Cortney? We both love each other still, so I think we should move, start fresh, slow down everything and enjoy "us." Work, and US is all we need. Schooling, just everything gets in the way of our connections. I think we need to shake things up and start loving each other again in the way that we used to. The kind of love that made her want to rearrange her life to move to Seattle, the kind of love that makes me want to marry her, the kind of silly notes and smiling pictures together.
No more tears, all you need is love...love is all you need.
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| I'm all jittery and my eyes are full of tears.
Theres a lump in my throat and emptiness.
and I can't find my phone.
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| Again, the whole driving thing came up. Its not that I don't want to. I'd like to, I just have some fear inside me. I don't know where it stems from, but I just get really nervous. As soon as I start, I think 'ohshit-ohshit-ohshit.." I think about how I am going to hit another car because I can't gauge my turns or if I try parking I'm going to scrape, just a slew of things.
But, Cortney gets mad at me. She thinks I'm dumb for having this fear and to just suck it up. I just don't know whats wrong with me or why I feel this fear. I just get nervous black squiggles when I start. I can't explain it well enough for sympathy.
I'd like to do it and make Cortney proud...
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