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PrahualL77
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Name: Paul
Country: United States
State: Indiana
Metro: Indianapolis
Birthday: 7/5/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: People, Singing, Performing, Traveling, Airports, Spooning, Originality, Oxymorons, Taking walks, Walking fast, Hugs, The feeling of skin on skin, Starbucks, Talented people, Talking in accents, Overusing punctuation (especially ellipsis and the period), Anything clean, The feeling of the sun on my skin, New things, The feeling you get when you have new things, The smell of laundry detergent, Bounce dryer sheets, Sleeping, Being barefoot, Being Naked, Friends, Best friends, Family, Chimunks, Photography, Going on Adventures, Optical illusions, People even more talented than those I was referring to earlier, Smart people, Attractive people, Being home alone so I can sing as loud as I want, The Union, People Watching, Trying to make the best of things, Being random, Randomness all around, Grassy Knolls, Water, Swimming, Running, Reading, Listening, Learning, Talking, Communication, Dancing, Moving, Music of all types, Text Messages, Correct change, having a good time, Twins.
Expertise: I am an expert at: laughing, talking, jumping jacks, sleeping, staying up late, Chai tea lattes, spelling the word Chrysanthemum, making rice, taking pictures on my digital camera, tieing my shoes in a double knot, hitting the snooze button, chekcing my e-mail, checking thefacebook.com, checking Xanga, doing dishes, forgetting my spanish to english dictionary, taking my contacts out with no lights on, moving in the dark, walking with my ipod, laying down in my room mates bed, matching socks, packing, and being random....Oh yeah, and I'm really good at being absolutely amazing.
Occupation: Student. Barista. Lifeguard. A
Industry: Life
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  PrahualL77
Member Since:
5/29/2004
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| Hard Day.O eager eyes, which gaze afar,
O arms which clasp the empty air,
Not all unmarked your sorrows are
Have faith! Before life's tent is furled
Some hearts go hungerin' through the world
And never find the love they seek.
Some lips with pride or scorn are curled
To hide the pain they may not speak
The eyes may flash, the mouth may smile
And yet beneath them all the while
The hungerin' heart is pinnin' still
For them does life's dull desert hold
No fountain's shade, no gardens fair,
Nor gush of waters clear and cold,
But sandy reaches wide and bare
The foot may fail, the soul may faint
And weigh to earth the weary frame
Yet still they make no weak complaint
And speak no word of grief or blame.
O eager eyes, which gaze afar,
O arms which clasp the empty air,
Not all unmarked your sorrows are,
Not all unpited your despair
Smile, patient lips, so proudly dumb
Have faith! Before life's tent is furled
Your recompense shall come,
O hearts that hunger through the world.
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| It's time.Life...has been tumultuous, at best. The past year has been so full of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, that it's extremes border on bipolarity. And while I rest assured that what I feel, what any of us feel for that matter, is entirely subjective and coincides harmoniously with the events in the lives of every one of our neighbors, I can't help but feel as though I am alone in this. This life.
The truth is, even though know and see evidence that proves otherwise, I feel very, very alone. I don't feel partnered perfectly in the way that I have before, and what's worse is that, at times, I don't even feel supported. As some of you can attest to, my relationship with my closest and dearest friends over the past year has been unpredictable and surprising. Yes, I will forever stand by my belief that that people I have chosen to fill my life with are, without argument, the most amazing people in existence, but that doesn't negate any negativity I have felt towards them. Not at all. There have been times when even those who I would consider on the level of siblings have disgusted me beyond measure. And as I have sat and brooded, hinted and pointed out, brought to surface and yelled at the top of my lungs the fact that, at times, I cannot even stand the very air that the people I choose to surround myself with breath daily, I feel that all of my efforts, in any direction, have gotten me absolutely nowhere. And that leaves me feeling very abandoned and extremely alone. I feel unrecognized and unlegitimized. And that is a very scary feeling.
And truth be told, I think it is all because I am comparing this year to last. Yes. Last year. The year that I at one time thought to be the worst year of my life. Something that I still stand by, but no see was a premature judgment. The difficulty has been matched. The inner turmoil has been greater. The heartbreak has been matched and exceeded.
And while in years past I have been able to simply say to myself, "oh. You've done this before...it won't be that bad," this seems not to be the case.
Something I'm sure is completely normal and felt by so many, many people.
But I still question. I know I have done this before. I know I have survived all of this. I know I have out lived all of this. I know I have conquered all of this.
But the loneliness I feel outweighs all of the past.
I really feel as though I'm running out of steam. I'm a strong person--I know I am. There isn't much that has been thrown at me, in all matters of speaking, that I have not been able to see coming and handle strategically and effectively. But I am certain that I am running low. There are times when all the experience and all the strength and all the support in the world cannot help you. There comes a time when you just can't. And I feel like that time, for me, is approaching.
Believe me. I want to proceed. I want to overcome, but I. Just. Can't. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore because if I do, I'll break. I'm certain of it. I have been strong. I have been enduring. I have seen highs and lows come and go. I have been there for all of it. But, forgive me, I cannot do it any longer. For my sake.
I need a change.
I am drowning in monotony. I am suffocated by overwhelming predictability. This, coupled with being trod on by every single person I encounter, will break me.
The heart goes first. Then the Body. Then the Will.
Of course, this is all magnified by the fact that my life is going to 100% change next year. Most of the most important people in my life are going to be prematurely ripped away from me and I, for the first time, will be going at it alone. It's refreshing, but terrifying. And I'm scared.
I'm scared and I'm alone and I'm tired.
If I don't retreat and regroup, the effects of all of this will be devastating. Epic.
I want to hold on.
I want to continue.
I want to proceed.
I want to wait.
I want to persevere.
But I can't.
I can't because I have.
For so long I have. I have done all of that for so long, and I'm tired. I need to stop. Take a time out. Regroup. And take it slow. I need to put strategy into me. Because when you're alone, me is all that matters.
Forgive me. | | |
| So my feelings have been confirmed.Ok, so I admit that what I posted last night/early this morning was fueled by feelings that I don't normally let take over--when I let them take over and show themselves happens even more infrequently. I will put a small amount of the blame on alcohol. That's fine.
But for me to come home today--stone sober, mind you--and be confronted by the very things that are currently pissing me off in immeasurable ways only reconfirms and intensifies my sentiments. It makes me feel a little more justified for feeling like that. Like I'm being completely rational.
Now, if, and when, I do voice these feelings, I'm attacked.
I'm a pretty easy going person. I'm pretty giving. I'll even dare to say--I'm generous. But my generosity is being abused.
and.
it.
is.
so.
draining.
I'm an running low. I am running out. I am coming to an end.
I don't care. No. Really I don't. Just ask me first. Just ask. I promise you I'll say yes...just ask. I feel stupid for feeling like I have to hide my own things just so I can have some sort of guarantee that they, my things, will be there tomorrow. When I need them.
I know I'm not guiltless here. I know that. I know that sometimes I do the same thing. But this is ridiculous. It's accumulating and it's almost too much to ask one person to bear.
Whatever.
Maybe I need to just start locking my door when I leave.
God. That's immature. I don't want to be that guy.
But maybe I have to be...
be blessed. | | |
| Well, it's been a while...but that's fine. To be quite honest, I frequently think about updating this thing just to get some things out of my head and down on "paper", but most of the time when I am in the mood and the words are aching to come out of me it is as I'm laying in bed, reflecting on my day, my life, and the days of my life. So, with early classes in mind, I roll over and try hard to sleep, vowing to keep what I have to say fresh in my mind...which of course never happens.
Today's exception is only due to the fact that I just got off work and am still fully caffeinated.
But a lot has happened since this semester started, since I last updated. We've seen Lindsay Lohan check in and out of rehab. In a short 3 minute segment, Britney Spears made her biggest comeback and fall from grace at the same time. I got a promotion at work--I'm a shift supervisor now. (I have keys to the safe...I'm kind of a big deal.) Yet, with all the change that is happening around me, I seem to be in the exact same place as I was a year ago. And just like a year ago, some days are better than others. Last week was good. This weekend was great. Today, wasn't as good as I had hoped. It's really nobody's fault. Honestly. It's just some days are better than others. I see that as perfectly normal. Sometimes, I think that the only thing keeping me together is the knowledge that I have done this before, I have been here before. I know how to do this, so I can do this. It's a small thought, but it carries a lot of weight. Monotony works. It's almost like I've practiced. It's just hard for me because I made a promise and I don't break promises. I know in this situation its ok. But still...I made a promise.
I know I need to leave this place. I will, but I have to do it in my own time, in my own way.
I've begun to focus a little more intently on my future. So that's good! I have made the personal vow to kick it in strong for the last half of this semester. I have too. And then, I have to do well next semester as well. So far the classes that I have set up for next semester seem to be stimulating and challenging enough to set me up for success. It's important that I do well to get in to grad school. There's also a fancy little internship I learned about for next year that I have my eye on. I know I probably should have looked into one prior to graduation, but from what I've heard, this internship will be a good thing regardless of when I take it. So I have to finish this year strong so that I can apply for that. It would be in West Lafayette next year.
If I don't get that, I'm looking into taking classes for my masters next year. Technically I'd be labeled a non-degree seeking senior, though I fully intend to "seek a degree". If I did this, I would just be taking classes that I could eventually apply to my Master's either at Purdue or anywhere else. The point of all this is that I will most likely be up here for another year...just not as an undergraduate student. I kind of like the idea of this. I'll have my degree, I'll have my diploma, I just won't be diving head first into the career world just yet. I'll be productively hanging out. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to leave Purdue yet. There are still a great deal of things holding me here and I'm not sure if I'm ready or able to give any one of those things up just yet.
I know I need to leave this place. I will, but I have to do it in my own time, in my own way.
I've been missing home a lot lately, which is odd. Well, I guess it isn't. It's not really my house (although I do miss that a bit), or Indy, or being there over the summer. I really miss home though. I miss my mom. I miss my family. I miss safety and security; family and familiarity; rational and reality. I was discussing with my dearest of friends earlier...and I just miss good things and good people. Not to say that I'm not surrounded by good people here, because I most certainly am. But...sometimes, I feel that when I'm away from home I lose touch with what's really important. Yes. College is fun and I love my life here...but home always serves as a good reality check. It keeps you grounded. You know?
Well. I think that shall suffice. I really should get some homeworks and studying done. I have to work 26 hrs this week (bleh.) and I have two papers and two exams next week. So I should probably be using every second I have.
Red cups come out next week!!! Christmas is coming!!!
"Your recompense shall come, O hearts that hunger through the world."
be blessed.
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| Awake.A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other
So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other
So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see
We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today
And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today
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