The qualifications of a good man! Tonight. This very night at 1:57am I learned why it is I am going through this pain.  Many many people have asked why Laura and I broke up. Many of our good close friends have been completely shocked. Just the other day I thought I would have to get a chair for one friend to sit down before they feel to the ground.

My close friends, including Laura’s dad have seen just how hard it has been for the two of us. Her dad honestly has seen both sides of the book. He has seen me weep until I was out of tears and pour my heart out to God on his apartment floor. He has been there with Laura while she fought back the tears in public places. We are both in pain. It is not easy for either one of us.

The night Laura told me the news and why she did what she did I told her I completely supported her and really respect her for what she is doing. Now does that mean I enjoy the idea, or like what happens after that? No. I love Laura Elisabeth Wood and I have for a very long time. I have devoted much if not most of my time, money, and energy into her. Baptist preachers will say some times “to know where your heart is look where you spend your money.”

There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that I am completely dedicated to Laura. There is no doubt that I would do anything for her. She is the girl I want to be with there is no doubt in my mind about that.

Tonight I remembered that I would do anything for her. Tonight I remembered who Laura is. She is a loving, kind, compassionate, emotional, person who has a complete and total fear of hurting others; and for a very long time she has cared deeply for me. We have cared so deeply for one another that wedding plans where under go. Today even I received a call from a lady who makes cakes! I was out on a catering one day at a wedding reception and they had the most beautiful cake I have ever seen.  It just so happens that the lady lives close to the both of us and that night I took down her name and number so we could talk about cakes later down the road. Well she called me today just to check in and see how things were going… I found the timing almost humors   

Laura and I have been dating quite some time now and if I could pin point any one thing that she has always had a problem about is my anger and how I handle hurt. At the age of 19 I was saved; though not until after playing football my entire high school career, taking out my anger, hurt, disappointment on the field. Since then I have been struggling with ways of letting go of my hurt. Many times the hurt turns to anger and then hatred. That hatred then leads me at times to take actions I would rather not talk about. Just for informational purposes I have never laid a hand on a girl.

But tonight! God Wins!! Tonight I have peace. Tonight my hurt has been taken care of by a glorious God! Looking back I see that the way I dealt with my hurt I thought it was normal. Since dating Laura her wonderful kind hearted directions have finally sank in. Many times on the phone and in person she spent telling me to give my hurt over to God. My response has always been after I fuss and hurt then I will give it over to God.

Tonight I talked to Laura. All she had to do was tell me her pain, hurt, heart ache and everything in me wanted to reach out and comfort her. In the past few days I have been on my face before God more than I have in the last 2,3,4 months! Just in the few days which have passed I have learned that I can be real with God because he knows my heart. He knows that I would love to just pause the universe until I have time to heal. He knows I THINK I would feel better if I had something to destroy.

I learned tonight to give my pain and heart ache over to God. Tonight I learned that I have to be strong because the girl I love is hurting. Tonight I learned that I HAVE to deal with my hurt anger and pain another way than doing stupid, immature, hurtful things that from the onlooker seem to be faithless. My faith is not weak, it is my pride that won’t let go and turn the situation over to God. Tonight all that has changed!

Lord tonight I give you this situation. I give you my anger, my hurt, my pain, my thoughts, and my actions. Lord tonight you are put before me before Laura. Lord teach me guide me; show me ways to occupy my mind so that I can respect the wishes of the one I so deeply care for. My heart begs for there to be no more pain on Laura. Praise you oh God for you ARE holy you do know what you are doing. Praise you for you do NOT leave us in this time, you stick to us being that still small voice. I pray God that I slow down things to listen.  Lord I am coming to you for strength because I do not want Laura to hurt anymore! May this be a lifelong lesion learned and remembered. Never again shall she be a punching bag! Lord forgive me; and build me up!