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Thursday, October 11, 2007

  • So I'm a total dork, but I'm going to tell you about the Bon Jovi dream I had last night. Bon Jovi (the whole band), Paris Hilton, and I were all in this outdoor bar thing somewhere on a beach (I think it was in the Caribbean or something, but nobody ever said in my dream where we were). Jon came and sat down by me and we started talking, but all these drunk fans kept coming up and grabbing at him (Jon's security guys weren't around--I think they were doing something for the show that was going to be later that night). So I went over to Paris and asked her if she could call some of her security people to come and get rid of these crazy women. She said it would take them a while to get there, but she would call. So in the mean time, I stood up on the bar and yelled at the women and said I would kick their asses if they didn't leave Jon alone. Apparently it worked, because they backed off and Jon and I went back to our conversation.

    It was a pretty great dream.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

  • School starts on Monday! Yikes! I guess I'm ready....yeah, I am. It will be fun. I have to go tomorrow and get my parking hangtag (wow--CHS nostalgia). I do have my validation sticker to put on my pass though. I was thinking about going to the English department building and meeting my professors, but I thought that might make me seem like a brown noser, so I'm probably not going to do that. I also need to get some notebooks. I went to Office Depot today, but they were pretty cleaned out, and it was SO expensive--almost $4 for a 70 page, one subject (not even 5 star) notebook. That was ridiculous, and I was not going to pay that much.

    I haven't turned in my 2 weeks notice yet. I'm going to on Friday. But now that means I have to work the first 2 weeks of school instead of just the first week. And another thing that sucks--my last day will be exactly one week before my 6 month anniversary (when I get my vacation time). But there is a good side to that--I'm fairly sure (I'll have to check) that if I go back then I will pick up where I left off in terms of my hire date, so I'll still be a week away from 6 months, so that's good.

    I put it on facebook, but in case you missed it, we had to put my dog, Tiny, to sleep. We got her when I was 9. She went into congestive heart failure. She's in our freezer right now. Yeah.....I'm serious. We're burying her this weekend in the family cemetary in White Bluff. Yeah.....I'm serious. My cousin is making her a coffin/box thing. Yeah.......I'm serious. My family is weird. I didn't want to put her there, I wanted to go to my aunt's ranch in Missouri (she has a dog kennel there). That way we could see all her puppies (and possibly bring one home). I don't think I'm going to go to White Bluff because that's where my grandmother (the one that died senior year) is buried, and I haven't been yet and I don't want to either. Not yet anyway. We'll see.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

  • I just realized something. "Just" as in maybe 30 seconds ago. I just realized my heart is hard. I got hurt by people I never ever thought would hurt me and I said that I wasn't hurt. I said that I was tired, burned out, that I needed a break. It wasn't true. I'm not sure I knew that until now. Now I have to learn how to soften it up. But there's not some magic recipe for that. I can't just whip something up and spread it on my heart and suddenly make it all better. It doesn't work that way. It's going to be a process--probably a long one. I'm going to have to be vulnerable again. I'm going to have to put my trust in people who aren't worthy, people who are going to inevitably fail me and let me down when I need them; I'll let people down when they need me. That's the paradox of humanity, isn't it? We need people. But the very people we need will let us down and hurt us. We have to figure out how to be ok with being hurt--to know the day will come--and not care. We have to open ourselves up to it and let it come. But the beauty of our humanity is our ability to love and be loved. Our relationships make us human. We bond with others; we share our lives; we trust. It's a beautiful thing, but it's also scary. I guess I'm getting a little philosophical on this post, but I just started thinking and this happened.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

  • Tomorrow I'm meeting with my advisor and registering for classes....

    Yesterday I was looking at all the choices I have at Memphis.....there are like 4 times as many classes being offered in the English dept, but I have no idea who or what to take. It's really quite frustrating. Hopefully meeting with an advisor (though she's clearly not a professor, and looks to be about my age) will clear some things up. who knows.

    I still don't know when I'm going to quit my job. It was going to be soon, but uh--I just spent all my freaking money in the last couple weeks, so that is not making things any easier. I had enough money saved to pay my phone bill for 6 months, but now that's mostly all gone. Not good!! Very bad!! grrr. Is it rude to be talking about money on xanga? Well, I guess that makes me rude. I don't know if I'll be able to quit before school starts, because my two weeks, if I turned it in today, would be like 5 days before school starts, and I'm not going to have the money to pay my credit card bills or phone if I quit now. Money sucks. It really does. I don't really want to tap into my "starting out" money, but it looks like I'm going to have to. I think I'm going to turn in my notice on the 17th, and then my last day will be the 31st. That way I'll only work the first week of classes and I'll get 4 more paychecks. Yeah, that'll work. I definitely just thought this out as I wrote it down. And since money is going to be tight now, I will be severely cutting down on my spending, which will be painful, but necessary.

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