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| I seem to want to rant a lot lately. I wrote 5 pages in 15 minutes
yesterday. I guess that's what happens when you keep everything bottled
up. So here it goes...
It's New Year's Eve and I'm sitting at home on Facebook instead of out
celebrating with friends. I'm so glad this year is almost over. It's
been the worst year of my life. You know what I realized this year? No
one cares. You see all those movies about girls who have a best friend
that's practically a sister. A best friend who they can call in the
middle of the night to talk about something on their mind. A best
friend who they run crying to after the boy they like rejects them. A
best friend who they can act totally stupid with not caring about what
everyone else thinks. I don't have anyone even close to that. I don't
have a true friend that I can rely on at all times. I have never felt
so alone.
It feels like I've just been drifting along for the last couple of
months. I've been feeling invisible and just watched the days drag by
miserably. I feel ignored and like no one listens to me. I go weeks
without talking to anyone at my A day lunch table. There was a time at
the beginning of the year I made an effort. Eventually I had no idea
what everyone else was talking about because I was never invited to
hang out with them. It became too difficult and I gave up.
It's so easy to fool people. I've been smiling, masking my true
feelings. No one notices. That proves I don't have any friends that
truly know me. I guess some of is my fault. I don't really tell anyone
anything. But I was tired of doing that. So I decided to finally to go
to someone and ask to talk to her. I needed a friend. I sent her a long
message. She didn't reply. She sent me a text a month and a half later.
I called and asked if she got my message. She said yeah but she was
"too busy" to write back. Apparently I'm just that unimportant. So why
should I try again?
I really don't know why it's so hard for me to open up. It's so much
easier to do it in writing than actually tell someone. It was still
took a lot of courage to tell that person everything though. I spilled
my heart out to them and I didn't even get a reply back.
My heart's still a little bit broken. I still haven't gotten over him.
I certainly don't like him anymore. There's just regret that we aren't
friends anymore. Buy why should I want to be friends with him? Why do I
want to be friends with a person who immediately ignores me after he
finds out I like him?
Then there's that one guy I do like. Of course I would like him.
There's no way he would ever like me back. But that's me. Wishing for
the impossible.
I still want a boyfriend. It seems like I'll never find the one guy who
loves me with all of his heart. I'm starting to doubt there's even such
a thing as true love.
My grades are suffering because of all of this too. It turns out being
sad all the time really kills your grades. I'm just happy I still got
accepted to SLU and even got a scholarship. My grades still haven't
come in yet, but I'm pretty sure they're not good. My mom can't do
anything about it though. I'm already going to SLU. And what is she
going to do? Ground me? From what? I don't have a social life anymore.
I can't remember the last time I've been truly happy, completely
satisfied with my life. That was so long ago. Even when I was happy I
still had that nagging feeling that I don't have a best friend.
I'm not ready to graduate yet. I'm terrified of the future. It's so
uncertain and scary. Even though I've been saying I don't really have
any friends, I still don't want to lose those people. I still care very
deeply for them even though I'm not close to them. I'm certain I will
bawl my eyes out at graduation.
I wish I could be a kid again. I wish everything would go back to the
way it used to be, when I was happy. If only we could turn back time
and do everything over again.
So that's everything I've been keeping bottled up. Everything is
finally out there. I've gotten so tired of acting, of faking
everything. My thoughts and feelings are all here for everyone to see.
I'm ready for this year to be done. I'm ready to start over and begin a
new life. I'm ready to be happy again. Good riddance 2007. | | |
| so it's been over a year since i've written a real entry. i guess i should update...
last summer was the most amazing summer ever. it started off badly because on the last day of school the guy i liked (who didn't know i liked him at the time) said i was "just a friend" (oh how i hate that line!) and going out with one of my friends (she didn't know i liked him either). sorry if that's confusing. then janet's surprise half birthday party was that day too. it helped take my mind off of him but not much.
from there things started to get better. i got to hang out with my friends and since a lot of people got their licenses we got to go more places. there was so much to do and so much fun.
then came GYLC. it was one of the most amazing experiences in my life. i got to meet people from all over the world. one of my roommates was from korea. i became friends with people from singapore, germany, the philippines, new zealand, and many other countries. i was so sad to go home after that. i loved the feeling of independence and all my new friends. there's just no way to describe it to make someone understand how amazing it was. you'd have to experience it to know.
i came back and there was even more fun. i was in love with life. there was just one thing nagging me though.
after that i got to travel in china and japan. the food was so good! i got to see so much and everything was beautiful.
then things went downhill. junior year was the worst year of my life. it was just a long year of miserable, lonely depression. and then there was sleep deprivation and stress on top of that. i drifted so far away from people. soon i was just alone. there was no one to talk to. no one seemed to care. i just wanted the year to be over. i hoped that summer would make everything better.
summer was a little bit better. i got to go to GYLC again in july. this time it was in europe! it was just as amazing as last summer. it might even be better, but i'm not sure. we're actually managing to keep in touch and planning a reunion in florida for next july. i've fallen out of touch with the people from last year. i expected it though, being the negative person that i am.
but the summer after i was done with GYLC? it was pathetic. i pretty much spent every day and every night at home, except for dance performances. nothing got better. i still didn't have anyone to talk to. no one invited me to go out. i was still alone.
and now? now i feel unimportant. no wait, i know i'm unimportant. i tried to fix things. people are too busy. i guess i'm not important enough to make time for. i don't know when the last time i felt truly happy even was. even though last summer was great, i still wasn't completely happy. no one cares enough to notice anyway.
i know this is all extremely negative, but this is how i really feel. and the only way i'm even able to write all of this is because i know not that many people even check their xanga anymore. i'm such a coward. and that is the summary of my pathetic life for the past year.
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| 10 Coolest Cell Phones
Hyundai MP-280: the Perfume Phone
Nokia 888: the bendable phone
Telson TWC 1150: the camera phone watch
SparkFun Port-O-Rotary: the Portable Rotary Phone
NOKIA SURV1: the waterproof and outdoorsy phone
Vodafone 904SH: the phone with face recognition
Dbtel M50: the iPod-like phone
BenQ Qube Z2: little cube-shaped phone
Nokia Colores: the virtual hard drive
Samsung Serene: the elegant phone
http://www.oddpeak.com/item_60437.aspx
just thought that was kinda funny 
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