Prophetic_Vixen's Xanga

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Thu, 17 May 2007 17:10:20 GMT

Jeepers. It's been forever. Sorry about that. A lot's changed. I mean, a lots changed. Things... worked out with Bill for a while. And then they didn't anymore. And then things got really hard in highschool. And then they were fine. And then they weren't again. And now they're pretty awesome. New guy (I know, that makes me sound like such a whore, but it's true) who's amazing and a guitar player/singer/keyboardist/clarinet player for his band which is really good and I'm really happy with him. Going out tomorrow to see Next and walk around the lake at a friend's house and Stefan's coming, so that kicks ass. Hazaah!

I don't really know what to say anymore. I think I need more practice at remembering how to write on my xanga. How sad is that?

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 14:57:54 GMT

Ooookay, so I'm pretty sure the world went "Hey! Let's act completely BIZARRE today to make Camille go absolute bonkers and think she's crazy....." Pajama Day during the PSATs which were....maybe not nearly as bad as I was fearing! Which is the first totally insane thing....

Then we went to Chemistry AP which was quite evil because Mrs. Doherty decided, "Hey! The PSATs were today?! NO WAY. Let's learn the hardest concept that we're going to have all year today! You guys are up to it...." and that was impossible, but I think my dead brain is maybe possibly maybe probably not but maybe starting to comprehend it. Then she gave back the Chemistry tests and was like, "Phenomenal job, Camille." And I'm like....wtf? Because I was certain I had fucked up the test because it was eerily not difficult. So I look down and see 96 over top of the 100 thingy and a giant smiley face and I'm like, "Mrs. Doherty, I think you gave me the wrong test! According to this, I didn't just pass, I got an A." "Yes, Camille, that's right." "Are you sure you didn't misgrade or something, because I'm really quite sure I did horribly...." *Mrs. Doherty laughs* It was WEIRD.

Then lunch was just....insane. Emily said that she is not only coming to Homecoming, but she's going to wear a dress! She and Kelly were teasing Bill all throughout lunch and the conversation turned....ugly. Apparently Bill has 5 doezn girlfriends and got them all impregnated during a 300 min. period. Yeah. Don't ask. They were joking around but....::shrug:: It was weird. Calculus was hellish, per usual, and then French was oddly evil in that we had a quiz that NO ONE understood the information for.....Oh well.

Then there was a cute segment with Bill and I when I was leaving and then I got to COME HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AGES!!! Weeiirirrrdddd.....

And now I have almost no homework, save for typing up an English essay....so it's all good.

HOMECOMING SATURDAY!! I'm PUMPED. Bill can't come.... *tear* but my DRESS IS AMAZING!! And weird, but AMAZING.

<3 you all.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 11:36:58 GMT

Whoever designed the concept of responding to Chemistry questions with essays should be forced to answer them for the rest of eternity and see just how "fun" it is. This week has been hellishly difficult and I really just....need a chance to breathe. But it doesn't look like it'll happen this weekend.....

Friday: Maryland Madness at College Park. Stayed up til midnight after we got back, working on the English essay that I still haven't finished.

Saturday: Chemistry essays. English essay. PSAT practice. Organize Calc binder. Cleaning and Laundry. Walk with the Beast around Savage Mill forest area. I just really hope I can go out with Bill tonight: it's his birthday. (EDIT://Didn't get to and that sucked, but we talked on the phone for almost an hour last night. That was groovy. ANOTHER EDIT: Finished all of my homework yesterday. I love you Orri! You rox my sox.)

Sunday: Work. College fair 1-4. (ONE MORE EDIT// I've decided I'm not going to college. Way too stressful. I'll work at Barnes and Noble and write books part time. That's the plan.)

Yeah, basically, I'm screwed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PRINCE OF DENMARK. Not that you read this, for if you did, I would've been screwed a long time ago....

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:41:51 GMT

Soooo...basically, Sunday kicked ass. Because I went on a date. With Bill. And it went....exceedingly well. Even with the little glitch with my mother. But now I'm confused. And kind of hurt. Because it's like....nothing's different. I mean, true, I wasn't expecting the whole world to shift and be perfect and sparkling....but I was sort of expecting that he would atleast, like, acknowledge me differently. But....I don't know. Maybe he's not really interested and it didn't really mean anything. I don't know. I'm just so tired.

Anyways. New poem. Don't really know about....anything. So. Stuff. Enjoy, I guess. It's not great. But it's not dreadful (I hope).

"Searching"

And so with gentle padding

Soft-spoken footsteps that none before could hear

You listen into the darkness

For the one who promised to let you near

The crimson lies of the past slink silently away

You watch them go with no regrets

This is a new chapter, one with no boundaries

You lay down your money and make your bets

She’s watching you with a sweet, velveteen allure

What it is that dances in her eyes, you never were sure.

Everything that you’re not, everything that you might grow to be

Is shining through her soul, like light through the leaves of the tree.

Shadows are cast, but you no longer fear their enigma

They are a part of the scenery, passing you swiftly by

Shedding the weight and burden that sunk into and poisoned your skin

Mollifying its livid touch forged new wings that encourage you to fly.

Seasons change and the rosebuds unfurl in gentle waves

The same that lap at your toes in the saffron sand

Never before have you dared to bring someone this close

To watch as you gingerly held your heart in your hand

And that she wraps her fingers around yours

And closes them back around to hold it ever more

You know that she is the one from your flailing dreams

The one that you’ve been searching for.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 16:37:45 GMT

Neeeewwwww Poem....I know you all must've been holding your breath in wonder about it...Sorry to make you wait. I think it's gooooood. No title yet. Short and structured which is very much not me. But it seems like so little is nowadays.

Farce.

The word rings out above the hollowed faces of the crowd.

Within my ears, the buzzing shrieks, far too loud.

I’ve betrayed them all with my lightning wit.

If only I could also betray this lingering pit

The same that stations within my stomach, digging oh-so deep

Determined to deprive me of my soul refuge: a single night’s sleep.

No scar did I mean to sear into your heart

Do not hide behind a false innocence: you too played a part

In the destruction of something pure,

The destruction of something sure

You meant what you said and you did what you meant

Leaving me tired beyond comparison, every morsel of energy spent.

Yet you lay there in quiet serenity, knowing that she loves you still

Knowing that so long as my heart betrays me, I’m under your will.

You play this game with the knowledge of eons past under your skin

You condemn others in an attempt to wash clean your own flagrant sin.

But if the Lord above does not find you and reprimand with just rewards

The witches have their own secrets, and they will have their say in hordes.

And so, with regard to your wellbeing, the same that smote me well

I do love and beg of you, remain this way, lest your soul be tricked and sent to hell

Sparse.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 23:07:30 GMT

I am Joe's Broken Heart.

Extraordinarily painful and relevant and lonely dreams last night...the kind that should fade with the light, but just don't. Instead they creep into your smile as you laugh hilariously at episodes of House and play the House drinking game with highly sugary soda. But tomorrow is another day. Dear god, tomorrow is another day.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 14:53:55 GMT

Mood today: Meh. Can't complain I suppose. Well, I can....and would, but I've got wayyy too much shit to do.

You know, just because I post poems, that doesn't mean you can't just not read them or not look at my other entries....anywho, here's a new one. It's...different, but I guess all of my work is then. It's really kind of nifty: two different personalities that switch back and forth, one is an attempt at structured rhythym and rhyme which I've never really been good at and the rest is free flow. Enjoy!

“She says/He says”

Smoothing the crinkled, riddle-stained edges

Of a fading, simple photograph,

She longs for days passed when the world

Could be summarized by an epitaph

An old man clinging to a smiling grandmother

A friend, an elder, gone from this world of hate

All that remains are whispered, tree-fort secrets,

A million stories telling of hope and fate.

Her gossamer hair shimmered under the

Unusable florescent lights, the very same

That pricked us when we slept in our cells

The classrooms of knowledge and learning

Where our intelligence and passion meant nothing

Unless it could be funneled into a multiple choice answer.

He turns away when her eyes latch onto him

He’s rubbing something into the corner of a paper

Looking for the answers to the world

As if all that really matters is what you can savor.

His hands are callused from searching for someone to save him

He is the shadow of all the earth

The negative space that lingers

Between a death and a new birth.

The sparkling bag that she carries is overcastted by her beauty

She is rain and coconut milkshakes, coated in a cherry glaze

Her eyes are a cascading waterfall, reflecting back what lingers

In the depths of a soul, an aura so deep and vibrant shines out

That if the light were ever lost, the whole galaxy would wipe away,

As neatly as ink flows from a wet letter.

She steers towards the light shining ahead

Knowing that all that she’s left behind is draped in a solemn shadow

A demon rising from the abyss to cling to the hidden faces,

If only she would turn around…if only she could see the finger tips

That graze at our heels, nipping and clambering to pull us under the current.

Her eyes could save us all with their miraculous radiance.

He writes at all hours of the day, his pen scrawling away

The errors of judgment made by others,

He’s more forgiving than an angel called down for no purpose

Other than the little boy rang, longing for his mother.

His name is angelic all on its own, a phrase of light and promise

He sees people for the sole reason that they need to be seen

She’s witnessed him save a million lives

The fact that the favor has never been returned is obscene.

She turns towards him and her mouth moves slightly

Yet he’s certain this time that no sound did come out.

She moves towards him as a butterfly would

Grazing nothing and sweeping past with the lightest of breezes

Ruffling only the nearest flowers with its steady beats.

She rests gently near him and leans in, her lips near his.

“Tell me a reason for why we live side by side in these fits of silence

And I will invite you in to witness the sweetness of a catatonic violence.”

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 18:21:34 GMT

Soooo...overall, extraordinarily bad day. But that's why we have Daniel Powter...to sing about our awful days so that we know we aren't alone.

I didn't get a part in the play. Which sucks ass. Because I was good. Like, I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I was very decent at what I did. *sigh* However, there is a silver lining there for I am going to be taking the job as assistant director: hazaah. And Alburger said I'd be fantastic for the job....especially since no one else has applied. But that is sooo besides the point.

The other part of today was....dreadful. I found him during lunch and Emily basically had to shove me towards him which was bad enough, but apparently his friends know all about it, so they were snickering and being losers as well. I asked if I could talk to him and he said sure and popped up...and I asked why he even bothered to tell me that he liked me if he knew he was going to be with his girlfriend anyways. He just sort of ran his hand through his hair a bunch of times and looked really ashamed. I said, "Obviously you knew ahead of time, otherwise you made your decision in 30 seconds." "I just...wanted to tell you." I don't know how to work with this. I keep getting these huge waves of billowing emotion and I start shaking all over and feel like I'm literally going to explode or be horrendously sick and generally the only temporary solution is to start writing sad lyrics from kick-ass songs really quickly. *sigh* I just want someone who loves me and holds me and keeps me safe and comforts me when I need it and makes me laugh and is willing to kiss away my tears. Why is that so goddamn hard to find? Oh well. Tomorrow is another day. Another....16-some hour day where I'm constantly moving. Sounds like a blast. People keep on telling me that there's no way he and his gf can last, but...I dunno. Knowing the way my life works, they'll get married right out of highschool, move into the new house being built right down the street and be happily married for sixty years or whatever. Then get a divorce right before she dies of a heartattack. Something like that. I'm definitely of the philosophy that a long distance relationship can't work for long at all unless you've already been with the person for a few months or a couple of years. I mean, I'm an excellent devotee to relationships and even I couldn't make it work. So...he's doomed, right? lol. Orri swears I'll have another chance. I just hope he's right. And that it's soon.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 18:03:10 GMT

Toranity is a funny thing. Especially when the tables turn, and you know that even while you're shriveling up and feeling completely desolate, someone is feeling absolutely horrendous for making you feel that way, no matter how many times you try and tell them that yes, you hurt, but yes, you will be fine.

He likes me. But he's staying with his girlfriend. He's liked me since last year, and his girlfriend is just a couple of weeks old. I've liked him since the day I first saw him....and he's staying with her. But whatever. It's just another tile in the grand mosaic and it's just another chisel-full out of the marble. It's just one more nail in the foundation, just one more brush stroke on the canvas. It means absolutely nothing, right?

Then why do I feel so...underwater? Not even screaming or crying out...just...drowning. Alone. It's cold comfort to know that I am familiar with my surrounding waters.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 20:20:08 GMT

"Cold Comfort"

And so the cold truth seeps over you

A damp blanket in the freezing climate

A frigid comfort that clings with a rigid grip

No one here has been sent to help you

Around you are puddles of lies and jungles of

Impending defeat and deceit that you can scarcely

Consider standing up to face.

The masks are lined up in front of you

Standing as still as an frozen sculpture

An ice swan poised with perfection

Waiting…waiting for you to move.

You continue to stare at them,

Longing to stroke them, see if they

Are in fact, feasible. To see if they

Are, in fact, multifaceted.

To see what lurks beneath

Yet you are trapped, longing to

Push forward, to reveal the truth

The quintessential essence of your world

Select few have made it this far

Only a sprinkling of others have dared

To break past the visage of conformity

To dare to elbow through the satin

And the velvet.

To question.

So sparse are the numbers

Of those that have realized just how dishonest

This town is. How the realms of perfection compete

And collide, collapsing over one another

Until another can rise from the ashes

A new, pristine society based on fresh, innovative lies.

You have finally taken your trembling,

Tingling fingers (the same that you could scarcely control)

And you have pressed past the invisible forces that bound you,

Trying to contain your movements, to make each one correct

You raised your arm, and pulled away the mask,

And found the one who was supposed to care most

Lurking behind, scared and alone, having betrayed you

Yet again.

And they look at you…and look at you…

And wonder who you are.

This is a new life that has commenced.

And yet…you are pulled back through

The murky waters of the previous one

The feeling is inexplicable, unfathomable

The swirling emotions that consume your mind

The questions that flank every facet of humanity

Bubble and rise, leaping again and again,

A hellfire desperate to lick pure flesh

She leans forward to you and whispers the final test

“It is your entire fault…This whole world, the chaos

That reins, the very same that you loathe,

Is all your creation. And it has always been your decision

To allow it to run unbridled. It has all been your doing.”

Your eyes widen in fear, in utter despair and disbelief

And the pain settles in, a cloak engulfing your heart

And your soul.

The wall that blocks off those overwhelming emotions

Has finally begun to crumble and cannot rebuild

Because for the first time,

You cannot see the truth.

You’re walking blindly through the same field of lies

As everyone around you.

For when one truth topples, so do the rest.

All that replays is the sweet, liquid whisper…

It is your entire fault