Dearest Journal,
How I adore the. I come to you and I vent everything. I've known many to keep all of their problems inside. I can't help but release them, and my preference is to release them here. Sometimes entries should be private, but they are not. Alas, I know I can rely on you to vent my frustrations, my problems, my successes, my failures, my normal days, my sad days, my bad days, my wonderful days, my glorious days, and so forth.
I'm a man now. By law, I am a man. I am an independent unit of society; those who assist me do so out of goodwill; no longer are my kin required to provide for me. They still do; they support me. They are a great portion of my support system; a portion I block out of my life oft times. I do apperciate all they have given me and are still contributing; I hate to continue to accept their help, but I allow it on the whim of knowing that some day I will repay them. I will.
I have problems; everyone does. But now I am an adult - I can't run from them. I must face them head-on; Procrastination, laziness, depression; whatever you want to call it, is all up to me. I decide what I do. I need to be an adult, step up to the plate, and do what needs to get done. Laying around accomplishes nothing; yet I do it. I think subconsciously, I'm scared to leave. On the drive to see Ryan tonight a couple tears were shed when my mind lingered on the thought of leaving my beloved job, friends, and established life and reputation behind. None of it will transfer to my new life. It's virtually a new life that I will be walking into here in less than two weeks; embracing it and being the person I want to be is the next step.
I have always been scared to assist people or be outgoing in public because I'm scared they will judge me (I have a fear of people sensing I'm gay and frowning upon me literally from the second they see me.). I've had this invisible fear deep down for a very long time. I've never really tossed it under the microscope until now. Instead of giving someone on the street a friendly smile, I keep my head forward and continue walking. I keep to myself. I keep to the stereotype I've molded in my head that is the "normal heterosexual male." I keep to myself because I'm scared; but being gay is not all of who I am; I have this stereotype of the heterosexual male in my head and the "norm" -- and that "norm" is to keep to myself. But that's not who I am, and representing the stereotype of a heterosexual while in front of strangers to "avoid judgment" (which is not stopping me from getting judged anyway because I cannot control what others do) is simply ludacris. If I want to be a kind, outgoing person... I should be. I shouldn't let other people's feelings bring me down. I shouldn't let someone who snaps at me or makes a comment about me bring me down. So my first step to changing this is being an OWL at OSU. I will have to help many many people move into their dorm rooms. I will have to meet and make friends Thursday evening when I move in. Now is my chance to be the change I want to be, and then is the test.
My relationship with Ryan Weller is certainly different from any I've had in the past. Like most relationships, I've come to discover -- they are all extremely different. In each relationship, too, I've found I act different. It's interesting. I enjoy Ryan's company. I know deep down I don't want to leave him. There is still so much to explore with him; I know we will both give long distance a try. I don't know how successful it will be. I know I have my doubts, but every time I see him in person, and every time I look into his eyes, I know I don't want to leave him. I've never been a big "eye" person. But there is something in his eyes; I could stare at them for eternity. He is a very unique person in his own way, and I will truly miss him when I leave.
I will also miss my friends. This past summer is the first time I can actually say I've made "close" friends. Friends that are so close it hurts me to leave them. But like a pilgrim ship forever forging forward, I will roll onto newer, greater unmapped territory. Maybe I'll get lost in an ocean; maybe I'll crash into a small rocky island; Maybe I'll find a new home. Many of my friends have already left or begun college. I'm soon to jump on the same endeavor. We, as human beings, are all so different, yet all so much the same.
So even though there is financial trouble, all will be well in the end. Even if I'm in debt for the rest of my life, as long as I pay my payments each month on time; I will be happy with myself. There are things in life we all must try or experience no matter what the cost; I have a feeling my freshman year at Ohio State will be priceless. It puts me at ease to believe in me. And if I don't, who else will?