He sat in his car. He had turned off the car. He had turned off the lights. All he did was just sit there, listening to the hammer and pounding of the rain on the rooftop. Cars passed and passed, but he was waiting for something. Then he saw it, the black Toyota Camry he had been waiting for. It pulled up across the street, and a stopped in front of a huge house. A house that was two stories high, red brick, five huge open windows in the front, and a big white door. A woman got of out the car after apparetly picking up after herself to get out, and ran inside, trying to dodge the drops of rain. He waited for the light in the top right corner of the building to go on, and then he got out of the car, grabbing the necessary tools he needed. He sneaked up to the front door and gave a look through the windows. He went around the side and found a gate; it was open. Then he realized why. The growl gave it all away. He'd have to find another way. He threw the tarp he had over the fence and heard that dog go at it. He then ran around the other end and slipped a credit card through the back. He heard her on the stairs. He crept into the darkness just as she rounded the corner. He saw her open the back door that he just opened and looked around, apparently for her dog. He heard her call the dog and then heard the ruffling of the tarp. She brought it in, locked the door behind her, and sat it on the table not one foot from where he stood. Then she walked back up that stairs. He heard the water starting to run. He knew she was in the shower. He picked up the tarp and put it back in his bag. He slowly crept up the stairs, so as not to creak when walking up. When he reached the top of the landing, he noticed a lone sliver of light creeping from the far end of the hallway. He slowly walked up to it until his eye could see fully through the crack. The light was coming from straight ahead. He pushed the door open farther, but by only another inch. He continued to do this until he could fit the whole of his body through the open area of the doorway. By the time he was through the doorway, she still hadn't stopped her shower. He creeped to the bathroom, readying himself for a sudden stop of the water, but by the time he reached her, it was still running.

23 Aug 06

"All right, all right," I surrender, "I'll tell you what is the matter."
I take in a deep breath.
"I haven't been around much...because...I found out...that..I...have cancer."
She's taken aback.
"Now that you know, I'm sure you can't wait to tell everyone." I close my eyes for dramatic effect. "Be gone from me." I can feel my hand wave her off.
Silence. I slowly open my eyes, and there she is. With a look of total unbelief and a face that tells me that she didn't know if to believe me.
"And how long have you known?"
"A while now," I breathed in a quick, fake breath, "I went to the doctors and they ran some tests." I said this as solemnly as possible.
Her Face's voice was starting to get louder. "Really, now?"
I answered an awkward 'yes.' It was more of a question than an answer.
"Well, that's weird. You haven't been set up for any appointments in a while."
Fuck. She was an intern at my doctor. I forgot about that.
"I've been going on the days that you're not there, so as not to worry you." Whoa, smooth.
Her Face was yelling at me now. "I have access to all of the registrars."
Shit. I forgot about that too. She must have noticed I was looking for a cover, because she asked, "Really, what's been going on?"
What the hell am I supposed to tell her? I can't tell her the truth: I've been hanging out with her boyfriend? I mean, she's not my best friend, but she's been a good acquaintance. I can't tell her that. Even if she wasn't a good acquaintance. You don't do that to another girl.
"Okay, okay," I surrender again, "I've been going and reading to children at the orphanage." I throw in a disgusted sigh.
"What? Why is that so bad?"
I start to get upset. "I just don't want people to know." I cover my face with my hand. "I have a reputation to uphold. Now, this time I know you're going to go tell. Be gone."
Silence. I slowly remove my hand and open my eyes once again, and there she is. Again. No longer with the look of unbelief; just a face that is screaming at me that she doesn't believe me.
"You don't have a reputation."
Shit. No denying that.
Now what the fuck do I do?

24 Aug 06

I look around with no succession in finding a way out.
Do I tell her? Do I not? Should I try to lie again?
I make a decision: I run.
I can see myself in slow motion, making a quick turn and running like hell, screaming for the exit door. And then I see myself run into it.
"It's locked."
She sounds annoyed. Crap.
I quickly and awkwardly stand up, rub my head, and respond with the generic, "I knew that."
She paces up to me, putting her hand into her purse. Pepper spray maybe? I don't know, so I just raise my arms in defense and close my eyes. Hoping not to see what I'm about to feel.
Silence. I slowly open my eyes, and there she is. With a gun pointed at my head.
"WHAT THE FUCK!"
"Since you won't respond to normal procedures, and this seems hard for you to answer, I thought I'd take a different route."
Who the fuck's boyfriend did I just mess with? She just pulled a gun out from nowhere, on a girl that has only been avoiding a simple question.
"IS THAT THING FOR REAL?" Why was I still yelling?
"What. Has. Been. Going. On?"
I spill. I spill everything. The gun seemed to cause me to acquire diarrhea of the mouth.
She doesn't look too happy.
As she's putting the gun back she says, "No."
"Look, I know it's not what you wanted to hear, especially from me, but-"
She shakes her head. "No. Not 'no' to you. 'No' to your question."
"Question?"
I realize then, as she is walking away from me, that it wasn't a real gun.

26 Aug 06

I lay in my sleep, trying to figure out what the hell I went through today.
Was I dreaming? Was I really actually asleep?
The image of the gun floated back up into my mind. It had looked so real. How could it now be?
This was the question that was beating me up in my mind.

2 Sept 06

I am fuming. I can't believe he did this to me. I went through all this pain an torture for so long, and he betrays me. Did all those days hanging out mean nothing to him? He just dumps all of reality and goes on leading this life of fake happiness.
Or maybe it's not fake. I think that's what pisses me off the most. That he's happy, and I'm not in his life anymore.
I think what also pisses me off is that fact that I feel like he's pushed me out.
He just fucking pushed me out of his life. And not even for her.

Trusting: of College Essay Proportions

I can't even trust my dog. I wonder if when he looks up at me with those big brown eyes, and wagging his tail if he is excited to see me, or he's just pretending. Now, I realize that this is a ludicrous assumption, but it's true: I have trust issues. They just embedded themselves into me over the years, and I didn't realize it at all; it was a slow process that took years to accomplish.

One moment in particular of the day that I let myself go was earlier this year, last school year, and I just, to this day, can’t even fathom what came over me. I had been trying to work up the courage to ask a guy out. Now, I know what you’re thinking, that’s just not a big deal, get guts and just do it. But I can’t; I’m too paranoid and over thinking about motives and issues that I can’t even get far enough to plan it out. I just never could get over those haunting trust issues.

Alex was two years older than me, a senior boy, and I just couldn’t do it. I saw him twice a day, my orchestra class, first period, and my Spanish class, sixth period, and over a 3 month period of talking, flirting, and getting to know each other, I couldn’t help but like him. He was taller than me, but many people are, by at least seven inches. He had short black hair, a lean body, and he was from Singapore, my favorite kind of boy. He was also one of those types of kids that were always quiet, barely even answering yes or no questions. That was probably one of the main reasons I was so drawn to him. I had to get this guy to talk.

I had been discussing all through lunch about how to approach him with my two friends. When I say ‘discuss,’ I mean ‘being told what to do.’ Alex and I had gotten into a schedule of when we ‘run into’ each other, and since I hung out in the back of B-Building next to the speech room after I finished off campus lunch, and he started to go to the bathroom everyday since he found out I was there, I was going to do it then. That was saying a great deal about how much I must have liked this guy, I wasn’t over thinking about it as much as I usually was.

I sat sitting in a lone desk in the hallway with my friends messing around on the back stairs when he rounded the corner in the shy way that he does. I honestly don’t remember what he was wearing, but I vaguely remember he was wearing a white T-shirt, and if he indeed was, it probably was the one that he got from his ex-girlfriend; the shirt with big, green print that said “Define Girlfriend” on it. I immediately felt so much worse about the plan to ask him out. On occasion, he would get the better of me and manage to produce a startled scream from me when he sneaks up behind me, but I was waiting today.

We said our ‘hello’s and he went off to the bathroom, and I realized I missed my chance, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to do it now. He came out, said ‘good-bye,’ and when to his AP Environmental Science class. Not three minutes later, the bell rang and the routine of herding cattle-like activity began. He came out and I was waiting again, this time I was sure that I was going to do it. I was so sure that I kept my mouth completely shut while walking with him to our next classes; me to AP Psychology, and him to Gym.

We exited B-Building and started our way down the ramp towards the cafeteria. After moments of silence, I said “See ya later,” and started walking away from him, only to realize that my legs were moving me back in his direction.

And that’s when I heard it.

It was my voice, and I felt my lips move, but I wasn’t saying it. But as clear as day, I heard a “Hey Alex!” and right as soon as I realized it, I had somehow sputtered out a “Would you want to go out with me sometime?”

It was as if someone else was doing it for me, and I was watching the movie. They looked and sounded just like me, but it was definitely someone else. There was a little gap of time where I realized what had just happened, got lightheaded, and walked away. I knew I got turned down, and I knew that it felt horrible, but I still couldn’t wrap my head around why I did it in the first place.

I was walking away from him to AP Psychology, dreading the fact that afterwards, I had Spanish with him. Anna, one of the two friends that had been talking me through the plan minutes before, stood there waiting for me at the A-Building doors. She had noticed something amiss about Alex’s and my gestures and knew what I had done. I don’t even remember acknowledging her. I also don’t remember my Psychology class. All I could think about was next period, and having to see him.

What was I going to do? What should I do? Is he going to ignore me? What if he treats me differently? And the questions kept coming. All of this thinking somehow made the class go by faster and with the sound of the bell, I knew my worst fears of the day were about to be realized.

I walked out of my classroom, and there he was, waiting for me like he usually does. I couldn’t believe it. Just the fact that he was there made me feel a little bit better.

I started joking with him about the whole thing. I questioned him, “Are you sure it’s a ‘No,’ ‘because if it is, I have a right to kick your butt.” He just did this smile-smirk thing that he does, and nodded his head, and what was left of my fake happiness faded away.

I sat in Spanish class, sort of wishing that I could just disappear when all of a sudden a little ball of paper hit me. This startled me for two reasons. One: this is how we flirt in class, and I had just assumed we were done with all that, and two: a piece of paper just hit me.

I glanced at him, and he made a ‘read it’ gesture, so I did. I was expecting an explanation of ‘I like you, but not in that way,’ or something generic like that, but instead I opened up an apology. He said it’s not that he didn’t want to; it just wasn’t a great time because he had just broken up with his last girlfriend and it was too soon. And I have to admit, even though it wasn’t a ‘Yes,’ there were other things, such as his mother’s issue with my ethnicity, that didn’t make it a ‘No’ anymore either.

Alex and I are great friends now. He just finished his first week in college, and we talk as much as we can, just about everyday, and even though I’m not ‘with’ him now, I find it okay. We’re excellent friends.

The whole situation made me come to realize that, yes, I indeed have trust issues because I couldn’t force myself to ask him out. I was afraid of what he’d think of me, and my response to his ‘No’ and my thoughts through class only proved it more, but I realized that I can deal with my issues. He helped me realize my fear, and though I’m not over it, I’m a step closer than where I was before.

"so that's it"