this entry is such a crazy mix of random shit... like my brain
.:first off, i must reinstate the fact that i love my xanga! and by no means do i have to write so that it makes sense to anyone but me.i am not here for your entertainment, and my journal is not boring!!!! and i definately DO NOT write shit like "oh i bought new shoes today, and then i ate a sandwich" lmao...man that was a low blow...anyway, read if you must, but please don't be mean 
:.
MAN! i really don't want to write...i am dead tired and i feel sick... i do not even know where to begin...well i wrote this last night:
my rents came back from their dinner thingy and my dad was all fine and cool but karen was acting all psycho and she went off her rocker and just flipped. she was spitting out random bullshit. true, D was being a little smart with her but she takes it too far. anyway i was SO NICE all day and i swear i must have washed a hundred dishes and i fed the kids and all and she said thanks and all (which btw, i don't like her dirty thank you's) ANYWAY, i went and asked my dad if she was ok cause she was acting crazy and he said that she drank a little. *GREAT* so then i went looking for chris and D and they were in the garage and we were just talking about how crazy she is and then we were singing the "kyle's mom song" you know, kyle's mom's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch. monday tuesday she's a bitch. wed. thursday she's a bitch.... lmao anyway then K came into the garage, pretended to do some random shit in there and left. so then i left the garage and went to my room and i passed K talking to my dad so i pressed my ear up to the door to listen because i am a snoop, and she was just saying how we are all conspiring against her and that i know stuff and that she can deal with me and chris but not D...so then she started yelling at D and they went outside to talk and i talked to my dad. he asked me what was going on and i said that i don't know and that she's crazy and i am not stupid enough to cause shit and he's like "yeah i din't think so" he told me to just try to get along with her. we kept talking on and off and he said how the last few days i have been acting weird and doing stuff for him and that usually i don't give a shit about anyone else but myself. i didn't even know what to say. a lot of people have been leaving me speachless lately...anyway i told him about the empty vodka bottles. and we talked about marriage, taxes, money, my mom, sex, me getting a job, and how when he was in japan he slept with other women and he had only been married to my mom for 6 months, how she seduced him and made him marry her...just a lot of stuff...i told him how i really am trying with everything. he seemed cool about it all...anyway K still acted all fine and dandy with me..uff two faced bitch...so her and D were outside talking forever :and i went on the comp and ntaya was online and i decided to try and i IM'ed him and he wrote back, he said sorry a lot. god, he just tirstay up too many damn motionseay in me and it drives me crazy. i contemplate whether it is better if he is in my ifelay or not. the last few times that i have thought about him i wonder if we could make a elyatrioynrshyrip work. i am so fucking crazy to think that. he would never want that. it could never work, and i shouldn't think that. i don't even know why part of me would want that. anyway he mentioned my xanga, he actually reads it lol. but he doesn't understand 90% of it. i said i suppose that's a good thing! he hasn't figured out the number shit. i shouldn't have opened my big mouth. he brought up rtutstt isuussueesatts. he said how he doesn't like me riteiwneg about him. damn xanga causing shit. i don't know i just don't want to piss people off... i told him we need to talk and i am sitting here waiting for 11:30 to roll around so i can call him and i am so erretirfitegd. i almost want to cdrewrfffdy. i don't know why i am fucking giving in. this is bullshit. "in the game of seduction there is only one rule, don't fall in love" i don't think i aretrm iwvvvxewn lvbowvtre. god i surely hope not. but i am breaking the number one rule somehow. 15 minutes to go till i call and wtf should i say? what i am really thinking? fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i feel like i am going to puke. i feel the chunks rising seriously. i can taste it. earlier today i was thinking how perhaps i do let ALL boys use me...gawd i'm fucked. Aendtcxs especially. and when i was talking to him i got teurrfngnbbvered otrwgfjgfhf by him and right now i am in the kitchen writing this on paper and D is feeding me shit about how i am biased and how he's gonna 'shed light' on why K does the shit she does and blah blah i just feel sicker. brainwashed fool. i stand firm in my beliefs. well now it's 11:30 and i am scared to call artyeyyyent and i need to kick D away. SO SCARED...
now it's 1:30 am...well well well. i always have a way of scrweing shit up don't i? in my relationship wrtgitytsgh artgfbgdnt i ALWAYS thought i was the streatengfde one. perhaps i was wrong. i don't know. i am just so frustrated right now. i care. i have to admit that i care and i wrtasgnbv'rtfg sutertggfppohdsdfgse to. if i have only ktrgihdgssrweged him and i crefvabvrsgre this much, what will happen if we hreartrgvbsazve srewaegfdgx? have i fucked myself over? he said perhaps i analyze too much and make things more complicated than they really are. this is the one thing i try not to do! and i preach about it and i am doing it! he said maybe i push my friends away. did i do that with zareh? i feel like everything is my fault. maybe i do push my friends away. i try to push kyle and my burbank friends away because i am afraid of losing touch and being hurt so i am trying to speed along the process. i am so deathly afraid of getting hurt that i am missing out on the fun i could be having with them now. maybe i have some deep rooted problem. maybe back in 8th grade when raffi said that he couldn't be with me because i had too many problems he was on to something. i feel so bad and so unworthy and so hopeless and lost. i feel lame. he always thinks that i am mad at him. and that i even push him away and i don't tell him how i feel. i hear this so often maybe something is wrong with me. like i have a problem. we talked for 2 hours. of course the setrewrxurtgretral itrntynerutendewtos were there...some funny ones too! (i didn't make you come.....do you want to get off? the phone!?) but anyway it wasn't even atrbtroewrrreut terwtrtrthat this time. we talked about our frtewienrdsewrhiprw and it was like things were back to the way i wrarewrerttntted. the way it should be in a sense. for so long it was all about seretrtxewqwet. blink 182 said it best "WELL I GUESS THIS IS GROWINrG UP"...i'm just learning shit and feeling it out. i hate when these walls i built come tunmbling down though. i hate being vulnerable and open to hurt. it terrifies me. god i care about anretrerehtewttottnewrywe. i'm just afraid becuase i have so many emotions for him and i try to push them away. and i just don't want to get hurt. i thought he was a jeretrwetqwertttrk who was using me and now i feel bad for thinking that because he prrwetotwtvetewted otherwise tertwrtonyreiwerghert. yeah, i have a hard time believing it still. he says he has a hard time believing a lot i say too. he said how 3 hours is juresrtwett too murewttch to seewqre mwtvhge and if i was crethhlojgjsejr he'd sesesdrerye me all the tteryijmhhgdhe. sometimes he is just like whatever, i'll drive the gfh3hgfh hhgfdoutyewrs...he wanted to mtreeyerwet hatwreylfway. i am such a bitch. he said he could sense in my tone that i don't care as much anymore and he was like fuck it, till next time. I ALWAYS SCREW UP. i said maybe i care too much. i don't know... he was saying how we have been friends for so long and he thinks thats retrmatrerkabytele and he just talked about how he cytyayeyrweyed and i wanted to cyeryewyy. i said i felt bad and he said he felt dumb. i fytyucyketyed it up. he tried, and i sycytrewyteyeyd it up. i am such a stupid fuck and i don't know shit. i have to write him an email, i feel terrible....so while i was writing all of this i heard D playing music and i'm like why are you still awake? and he said he had a seizure and no one knows that it happens and he said he has a lot of problems with his brain but tries to just go on day to day. fuck. when it rains it certainly does pour. are my problems miniscule in the grand scope of things? or are they life altering? i'm so confused. uh. right now i just want to be with Aytwshdfhgh and is that wrong? maybe i am missing out by not opening up to people. god i am fucked. he hasn't btryeurugthren with antryuruyortune siyteunce me. that is insane. he atypuoruluogiretzed a lot. and talked about how he carytewtyuued and we are ferireetyws4ernds and stuff. now i feel bad, for ending on a down note. i must fix this. i let my other friends tell me what to think of him but i never gave him the chance to say how he felt. i feel like such a dick. i want to have sytueyutryex wytrurtith hierytyem. but now will i get atytutaurtuutchueud? i should just do this shit. i'm too seytyuxuertaytylyly fyrtryuusthgrkatled. i wish i could be with hlimrtyult. i hope he doesn't think i'm an idiot. i dont know what to say...he said a lot that suyiuoruipjrkijksked me. i was wrong. i'm taking all this shit out on him. god i have to straighten this shit out. i suck...i officially suck. hardcore. i need to sleep on this one. man i'm so ready to thuyiyuriiuiow hiitiim oiuiiuut of my licxghdfhfe because i do cghfdharhe. and i get afraid. i am afraid of commitment. i have problems. fuck me. anyway karen and my dad were talking about me. i didnt get much. something about pictures. i cant say shit, but then i should. what do i do? A said i am contradictory. i talk shit about K being that. maybe i am contradictory too. maybe all people are blind to their bad traits...fuck this world is crazy beautiful. i was afraid that A would be on my mind more. and oh, he is. damn we should just do it...we should...2:19 am....
THURSDAY sept 11th:
ok so i suck. stuff has happened and i havent documented.um real quick...D has been acting like a real dick lately and K was like "oh do you have a crush on angela" uhhhhh ewwwww...i talked to brandon on the phone, that was crazy.he has a QUTE voice. he said i needed to mention him so there it is <----- ....me laura pris meg and kyle might go to Oceanside....
so this is mighty complicated but i am going to try and back track then work up to the present moment... well D tolld me that A is not really a friend. that made me think and now i'm too confused.maybe i should tell him how i feel, be vulnerable, and if i get hurt then oh well...i want to do A&B...mmm i am bad 
.:make me feel good!:. haha..... i talked to my kyle on the phone ( garage button...you know the clicker....lol) um well maria called and we talked for a sec...i have been putting off saying this, but we don't even talk anymore, and we havent even really seen eachother since graduation..i don't know, i'm ignoring it. she said she finally met my brother....so i have been talking more to >himz> lately and it pisses me off becuae i am far away from everyone i want. and everyone is out of my reach. ~bzzz bzz bzz zero bzz bzzz bzzz~ i kinda pictured him like fred durst lol....dorky cute. i think it could def. be cool with him. i am a tease who is afraid of commitment and being hurt so i push people away. damn me! i hope he's cute and he likes me. oy i am shallow... anyway i was listening to some cds the other day and i was all choir-ish and i got out my mic and i was performing popshow in my room. waaaayyyy fun... i think deci's should do- heaven must have sent you by bonnie pointer or don't leave me this way by thelma houston. ok so now to the real story on what has happened today..
MAJOR DRAMA:
well karen went to the market and derek went on the comp and i was looking at what he was doing and he was on kazaa downloading music! so i;m like what are you doing? and he didnt answer me. and i said you can't download music and he said "yes i can" and i said no my dad doesn't want us to, plus you are on my account. and he said "oh well" and shrugged. and i said well what are you going to do if we get sued? pay for it yourself? and he said yes. and i said that was bullshit because we aren't allowed to and that he is on my account. so i was SO PISSED i went to call my dad but he never answered cause he was away at lunch..then karen came home and i told her and she started yelling at derek and he denied it all and said i cant believe you are siding with that tattletale. i went in my room and just started crying because it is so not fair! i get penalized for using the comp but i dont do anything harmful. and i am not rude to anyone and i try to maintain peace and i am a FUCKING GOOD KID yet i get crap..it's just not fair. anyway derek came in to apologize because his mom made him and he was saying how i cant tell my dad and that i am selfish if i do because i will be fucking up his life and he will be out on the street. and he wanted me to promise i wouldnt say anything and i said i dont know because it sucks that i am nothing but nice to you but you can be a rude smart ass with me....blah blah...anyway he said that if he is kicked out then his life is over...anyway my dad called and i wasnt gonna say anything and i tried not to but he made me so i told him and he was so pissed and said that i did the right thing and no matter what happens its not my fault and that derek is getting kicked out now...so karen told derek and he got all pissed and left....i dunno this is the extreamly condenced version...fuck i feel so sick though. i dont mean to cause problems but he fucked up...i don't know...
btw- cristina got a tatoo!!!!!!!! omfg
anyway moving on i thought i'd post some random lyrics and sayings, and some random quotes from friends over the years because i like them and they make me feel good, so damn you all who thinks this is boring lol...
sex quotes: lol
"i swatted her like no swat team can. i turned a cherry pie right into jam."
"i'm a givin cause she's the reciever. i won't and i don't hang up until i please her. making her feel like an over achiever. i take it away for a minute just to tease her. then i give it back a little bit deeper."
"do me till i'm well done"
"i want your body to the very last drop, i want you to holla when you want me to stop"
"all i want is to lose myself in your room. all you want is a slowfuck in the afternoon"
friend quotes:
"now you really are a stalker" -angela avakian to me
"uh you're really hot"-me to noah bastian
"he has a whip! he's whipping me!"-noah
"gosh people, it's not like it's nsync"-me at an eden's crush concert
"uf! es muy feo"- celeste talking about ricky martin to the spanish teacher
"i'll give you some hot oral"-aaron
"he died? so he is dead?"-kevin fernley
"i love those little guys"-A
"horny horny horny"-cristina
"all over my nuts, my nuts"-James
"it feels like an orgasm, the peak of your stretch"-kevin fernley
"does this excite you?"-kevin
"mrs. vezina asked me a question in history and i'm thinking about it, looking around, and i look at the fan and it says 'holmes' and i couldn't concentrate anymore, i saw little dancing kiel's everywhere"-me
ok so anyway i love those ...yeah i have been talking to this person lately and wow...yeah...just wow.... random cuteness:
PunkInfanta: that's sweet
***********: i know
**********: im tryin to sweet talk
PunkInfanta: HAHAHAHA
PunkInfanta: keep going
PunkInfanta: i'm a sucker for it
**********: think im goin to go look at your pictures
**********: so i can be aroused
**********: the picture oh u in the middle is seriously so good
PunkInfanta: lol
***********: i could look at it like all day
PunkInfanta: wow
PunkInfanta: that's really nice
PunkInfanta: but it's nothing lol i'm just standing there
************: stop
************: its seriously a good one
************: tell u how pretty you are?
***********: u are very pretty
PunkInfanta: lmao
PunkInfanta: thank you
PunkInfanta: i hope you aren't just saying this stuff
**************: im not
PunkInfanta: ok
************: seriously u are pretty
PunkInfanta: thanks
************: i wish i could be with you....
************: haha
PunkInfanta: lmao how sad
PunkInfanta: you laughed
PunkInfanta: haha
*************: fine then
************: i take it back
PunkInfanta: lol you're cute
*************: thanks
PunkInfanta: you are going to make me want to have sex with you
PunkInfanta: haha
************: oh no
PunkInfanta: hahaha
***************: i cant wait
************: u have to come down here
PunkInfanta: you really are excited huh
**********: yes....
PunkInfanta: oh i'll go down 
PunkInfanta: hahaha
*************: oh wow
PunkInfanta:
PunkInfanta: so what's on your mind?
**************: you
PunkInfanta: what about me
****************: how beautiful and cool you are
PunkInfanta: wow
*****************: what?
PunkInfanta: that was really nice
**************: i know
*************: and true
***************: call me after 530 please babe
************: hey baby
***********: about how prett u are
call me please.....
