Yeah, i'm at school. Once again I look like a damned idiot because I don't know what i'm doing.

Everyone wants my rival, Warren..They even said they wanted Waren to help them, not me, because he actually knows what he is doing. I couldn't help them at all, and in fact ,the Cisco I class probably figured it out before I did and Nick even pushed me aside sort of..I was more in the way to them than I was helping them..And Mr. Ford knew that I didn't know how to do it and made me try to help them anyway..Why? To see how stupid I really am? How much help do I need?

Well, i'm sick of being stood up by Warren. Why am I even in this class at all to begin wwith? He always wins everything, does all of the complicated stuff because he devotes his life..It's easy for him. I'm good at Cisco too, but not nearly as much as he is..And i'm so useless in comparison to him..

I felt so stupid and useless. I was unable to help them at ALL. I'm pissed and i'm depressed at the same time. One for being made a fool ob by myself, and two for looking so dumb and being such a pushover by the lower level classmembers. Everything just really bit. Everyday I hear something great about Warren. I try real hard to change on my own, but, well, I never get anywhere in comparison to him, and I always get over looked.

Enya - May It Be

It's 12 AM, and once again, i'm going to go to sleep, feeling as if I accomplished nothing. Procrastination..Is this a fear of reality, or what may be to come?

Today, I was very normal acting, for the most part. My weird side didn't show too much, today. Today was a beautiful day, with a gentle breeze.

Oh, yeah. There's actually a girl that likes to talk to me and walk with me and stuff (and has class.) It feels nice to know that I have a good best friend now, who thinks i'm cool.

I talked to my counselor today. ..There's no other way for me to graduate but to go to summer school. I tried so hard not to do that. I wanted one year without going to summer school. Now I HAVE TO, and if I don't, i'll always HAVE TO. I hate myself. I can't stand looking at myself. And my grandmother thinks she's dissapointed.

She has no idea how much i'm hating on myself for this. She thinks I have no morals or any care for what I do, just because I don't jump for joy and discuss with her every aspect of my personal life/the issues within it. It's her own fault i've shut her out, she's too difficult to communicate with anymore.

I finished 4 reports, all last night. I turned them in, along with some notes. Right now, I should be caught up.

I'm going to have to let go of somethings, if I want to feel good with myself again.

For one..mIRC. That is my biggest distraction.

Two, anime, which i've slowly been dimming on anyway. Noticed how I hardly listen to japanese music anymore? Yeah.

My resolve is going ot be hard..Sigh. Maybe that's why I can't let it go, it's been one of my only sources of happiness thus far. But I have to keep going. I need to move into real life, reality now.

Enya, featuring Enigma - Return To Innocence

It's finally May, and I know the day is coming. The day i'm going to fail, I know. I know I won't graduate. It took me a little longer to recover this time, but i've certainly become stronger because of it.

Eventually, the determination within me flamed back up again, and I can work. I just felt like a dissapointment because I failed so badly. To my parents, to my friends, to myself, more than anything. And I won't forgive myself for a long time.

But now i'm working harder and better than ever, and i'm glad that i've found this. I don't want to fail the second half of Art, that's why i'm not graduating to begin with. I'll look my fears in the face and face them with confidence.

I'm tired of running away, and I won't let myself anymore. I'll shape my own destiny with these tired hands, and i'll look up at the sky one day, and be happy, hopefully.

Right now, i've done one out of four reports I have to do to make it in Art. Please give me hope that I will finish them. The deadline is Tuesday, but i'm going to Monday just in case, I won't be slapped in the face by life anymore. That's when grades come in. And I want to see the proof that I made things up in Art. Proof to myself.

Also, about myself. My personality is beginning to develop, slowly. Last month, I learned about..

Fear Factory

Enya

Disturbed

Evanescence (again)

Tool

I'm trying to become more widely cultured. I think that's all for today.

I hope I return to myself one day.

Michelle Branch - All You Wanted

Typical day. I tried a new style where I keep one pant leg, and lose the other, exposing my leg. On the leg is my wristband (for arms). Just something to stand out, I guess.

I'm going to be doing lots of favors, like usual. Fixing this chick's cellphone, building some 3D puzzle. The chick wanted to pay me to do the puzzle, but i'd feel bad taking money from women. If you ask a man kindly for a favor, I think he should do it if he can. Courtesy, and stuff. Plus, it could be fun and entertain me for a while.

I'm bombing fourth hour, slacking off and being lazy like typical. I seem to have gotten this misconception that I am perfect at everything, and that i'm so good that I don't need to do anything (which is partially true, starting off), but then I start slackin' and I get behind. Way. Then I look like the stupidest one.

Talking to my hacker friend, Skyler. He's cool, he hooks me up with a bunch of stuff. He's a nice guy.

Still finding a date to the prom. Blah! And I thought I was good enough.

Now, to my internet life. Staz got arrested. She has some real preps at her school. Next thing.

...

Nothing else.

Music: Evanescence - So Close

I just woke up - I'm so tired. I always work so hard, and I just barely get by. Why is it, that whenever I try my ultimate best, it's just barely good enough?! Why am I always that student that lowers the standards for the rest of the class because he can't keep up all the time?

I'm so tired of that. Teachers always cut slack for me, it's so obvious to anyone.  The problem is, I don't want them to do that! Because it makes me feel like I can't do it on my own..Like those smart kids, you know? I'm supposed to be one of them, but i'm like, the deformed one in the group or something. I know I can do this stuff and get A's on them.

But why..? Why is that not happening? Is this too much for me? No, it can't be. School is easy, but I want to be on top, not barely above average. I want to be one of the best, but does that go against my destiny or something? I feel like there's something missing..

Is enough, enough?