The Art of the Premature Dump
Category: Life

I don't have problems with the early stages in a relationship.  I don't care that much, so I don't come off as creepy.  I don't care, so I'm not scared to start off the conversation.  And I don't care, so I'm not scared to talk about things more provocative than the weather.  Normally good traits.  You'd think that this would carry over to me not caring about coming off as an asshole as I decide that you'd rather not go on a first date or end a relationship that the other person may deem promising.  Wrong.  I may not care much, but I do care enough not to treat a girl like shit.

I try not to be a total asshole when it comes to dumping.  It's really easy to just ignore phone calls for a few weeks and they get the hint, but that's the coward's way out.  I used to do that and it worked like a charm, but it was the dick thing to do.  I like to think that I have learned something since my freshman year of college.  Whether that's true or not is another story.  But seriously, I have learned a few ways in which to end a relationship that really hasn't gotten off the ground yet while minimizing the damage you inflict.  If the relationship has gotten off the ground, do it the right way.  Take the girl out to dinner or invite them to your place to break them the news.  That's the only way to do it, but that's a little much for some girl that didn't date you for even a month. So here they are...

1.)  Get her to dump you - Okay, this one can be a little assholish, but it is effective in a number of ways.  Although rude, it ensures that the girl will leave you alone, she harbors no hard feelings about the breakup and it is actually her idea.  T do this, do everything wrong.  Stare at other girls when you go out, fart, belch, scratch yourself, get plastered around her and tell crude jokes.  She'll be heading for the hills in no time and will tell you something like, "This just isn't working out."  Just picture the friend of yours that has the worst game and imitate that person.  It works beautifully and she will gladly be out of your life forever.  Problem solved.

2.)  Be direct, but vague - Just tell her it's not working out.  Maybe you don't like her because she's a raging bitch, but don't tell her that.  Maybe she just isn't up to your physical standards and you agreed to go out with you when you had your beer goggles, but don't tell her that.  Maybe she sucks in the sack, but don't tell her that.  Tell her that is just isn't going to work out.  She'll surely ask for a reason, but don't tell her the brutal truth.  Most people (men included) don't want to hear the brutal truth even if they say they do.  Tell her something like you don't think there's a future between you two and you don't want to lead her on, or something along those lines.  She'll understand (at least most girls will) and she'll thank you for your honesty.  She may be a bit upset, but she'll bounce back quickly.

3.)  There's somebody else - This one works well, but can also backfire.  If you tell the girl that there's somebody else, preferably an ex that you have history with, she will probably back off.  She may be the type that will fight for her man, which could be a problem, but most girls are smart enough not to want sloppy seconds.  She knows she already has a built in disadvantage with an ex and can't really compete, so she'll probably understand.  If you can convince her that the ex was the one love of your life (or something like that), she'll understand and wish you the best, still thinking that you are a sweet guy.  If you can fake cry or at least appear to be emotional and stress that you don't want to hurt her feelings, you're money.  She may be sad that she missed out on you, but most girls are compassionate and understanding people.  It may be wrong to take advantage of this, but it does work.

4.)  Total honesty - This is one that I wouldn't recommend, but it's a way to go.  Tell her exactly why you are dumping her.  You are likely to have stuff thrown at you, be screamed at and probably have insults thrown your way having something to do with sex.  Just be prepared for it.  Making a scene is a likely possibility and she'll probably cry.  This won't even get her out of your life because she'll want to prove you wrong and have another shot at it.  They say honesty is the best policy, but they are liars.  Don't tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help you God.  You'll need God on your side for this one seeing as this one could get ugly.  Good luck.