Brad and I hung out today, it was awkward at first but ended up okay. We had mostly a good time. I tried so hard not to cry but I did. I'm getting better though - more closure somehow. I know he won't come back and I'll live with that somehow, I just would like to be happier. I do think he'll start to miss me once break comes and he has nothing to occupy his mind but college just isn't the time for him to have someone, at least not the first year. I also don't think he'll find someone for a while - not being mean,  I just know Brad and even if he does, it won't last very long. We have a crazy connection that no other girl will match and I don't know if another guy can, probably when I'm married one day but not now. We pretty much acted like a couple today, we talked a lot and watched Advent Children haha. It's just habit for us to kinda kiss and hug here and there, just lay around but we're getting good about it now haha. He said we'd be like those best friends the kiss each others cheeks "Hi" and "Bye, your next boyfriend won't like me" haha. That's okay cause his next girlfriend will despise me :]

   Yes I miss him but I'm not in love, I'm not over him but I'll be okay, it just gets to be at times. Things happen for a reason, whether I like them at the time or not.

    If all the happiness you once had, is right there in front of you...why wouldn't you take it? What holds you back? I know if all my happiness was right in front of me - I wouldn't hesitate to take which was once mine. I know I'm a hopeless idiot, but for now..nothing can stop it. I just don't understand so much. "Would you rather have love and lost or never loved at all?" When your the one hurt, that brings on a whole new answer. What I wouldn't give for this pain to go away, just when I think I have a good hold on it all - it sneaks up on me and attacks. I honestly would have rather not loved at all. You don't really think about that answer when your in love, never have been in love, or aren't on the hurting end of the stick. When it hurts, it covers every inch of you. It takes up that empty relaxing space you once had in your head where it was peaceful. When you think of the wrong thing it begins to hurt physically, no longer a mental pain. I hate it. I've never been more down. And it's all do to another being?! Why?! I used to never let myself be so affected by someone. I hate it. I don't regret a single moment but it's hard. It's harder than anyone puts it. "You'll be okay" WHEN?! HUH?! When does it start to kick in? "Just ignore him" that's a BIT harder said than done. Maybe if I went away to school I wouldn't feel so bad and down but I have to wait a while for that.

  I'm so frustrated, yes I should be mean to him and ignore him, void him out of my life but I just don't have the guts, as long as he needs me around - I'll be there. He's my best friend and I know I'd rather have him in my life than not at all. It's so so hard. I wish so badly I could cut him from my life, I want to hate him and make him feel as low as I do, instead I'm there for him, I'm nice to him and try to make him happy. "He doesn't know what he did, what he lost, one of the most beautiful girls. It's not a loss on your part at all Katie, it's his loss completely" Sonny said that, my little 14 year old brother. That made my day, it made me smile and want to cry because it's so sweet and I know he means it. I just wish I could feel the same. I hate almost all my entries being about HIM. I want to one day look back at this as a learning point in my life but how much longer can it go on? If I cut him out I'll only be more depressed and for a longer time. If I could just find someone to help pull me from this stooper. It'd be so nice. I want a kinda big guy, not fat, not all muscle - just somewhere in between. Skinny guys aren't good for me, I know Brad was really skinny but..ya know I'm not all about looks. I'm still not all about looks but I'd like to look normal or small next to someone who can pick me up with ease, who I can laugh with, who takes me out and we have fun no matter what. Someone who is honest and I don't have to worry about him checking out another girl while dating me. Someone who likes me for who I am, and well who can handle my burping haha I've found out a few guys don't like that, I hate that. I want a GUY. Not a wimp. Not someone who whines. Not someone who can't handle me at my worst where I'm sad or mad. Someone who remembers things and knows I feel exactly the same as they do. Is that a lot to ask? It looks like it but I don't think so. I just don't know if guys like that exsist anymore.

  So I don't consider my life too thrilling so I don't post much about it. I now work at Marc's though. It's a grocery store I think mainly in the northern Ohio area. It's easy and goes by relatively quick but my back kills and feet but I can't complain too much. I thought I'd meet some cute guys from there but they seem kinda piggish, made gestures behind my female bosses back and bleh. And a lot of guys are younger and I don't want younger. I don't know, I'm not even really looking. I saw some cute guys but their all too skinny. I know I sound picky but I want something different from a skinny guy so I can feel normal. I'm not saying I want a fat guy haha I just want normal. Most of the people I work with are nice and understanding. Most customers are nice, mainly because I work in the morning and their old so they are usually nice. Kelly [my boss] scheduled me Sunday and that kinda made me mad because I said I didn't work Sunday's. So I'm working this Sunday 8-2 but no other Sunday's after this.

  I probably bugged both my bosses Kelly and Ed because supervisors have do to everything, even void stuff out. Ed I don't care about too much because he's rude and always looks lost or pissed, I haven't decided which one. Kelly looks like a little pixie [not in a bad way] she's nice and if she is annoyed with my being new she doesn't show it. I just hate that pretty much all this money is going to college. Bleh. It'll all play off, I know but still. There are some cute guys who come into my work but when your wearing a red smoch you don't look that tempting haha. I saw a really cute guy the other day but then saw him smoking and that's a huge turn off. Plenty of cute guys today though but I'm not trying so, yeah. I was supposed to go to the movies with my Mum today but I guess that didn't happen? Cool. Not. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with my old friend Matt in the evening. That should be fun and not awkward I hope haha. I don't work after that till Thursday, YES! haha I just want to sleep in is all. My body doesn't accept waking up early. Next weekend I'm supposed to hang out with Brad on Saturday, that should be interesting. But he's going to the Akron, Kent game first and I probably have to work anyways so it won't be till later. I do miss hanging out with him, we always had fun.

   Nothing else too exciting going on. SYATP concert was sweet. I hung out with Maggie last night and that was nice to just talk the whole time, cause that's what she does best but I love it haha. I felt like I txted too much but she was nice and she understands me. I kinda don't want a boyfriend, I just miss going to the movies, sweetest day getting silly presents and cuddling or kissing. Being single isn't fun, but I just don't know what type of guy I'm looking for really, I do know a little, that I want him kinda musclely chunky, ya know? Who makes me look small and cute next to him, he doesn't have to have fat, you know what I mean. but we're cute together haha and I love funny guys, if you can't make me laugh then there's no chance. I'd like a chrisitian guy but that isn't so strict and binding. Someone who's never boring but also can just relax with me, who can take me in any way, sad or mad and not flip about something I say while having a moment of insecurity. I don't know. I always feel like I ask too much but I know there's someone out there like that, and hopefully he's smart too haha.