We live in a society of cowards

"WHAT RELIGION BESTS SUITS YOU?"

Agnostic
You've probably studied loads of different religions, but you're just not sure if any of it is true. Evolution makes some sense to you, but it doesn't satisfy you. Lastly, your personality is one of question, but you won't go out of your way to find -The Truth- It's more of a hobby.

Here I sit at 1 AM, with a ton of homework to do and some tests to study for, and yet I am so fried all I can do is stare at my computer.  I studied finance for at least 6 or 7 hours today, and although I have much more to do, I just can't focus.  Time to procrastinate!

This weekend was Mustang Marathon, (a 24-hour dance marathon at SMU that raises money for pediatric AIDS research and support).  While it is a pretty grueling experience (I did it last year as well), I have to say that it is very satisfying.  When you see at the end of the marathon how much money was raised for these poor kids born with AIDS, it makes it all worthwile.  This year we raised something like $118,000 with in-kind donations from companies, and that makes me feel so great.  Additionally, I was the "Most Spirited Dancer" this year, the second year in a row that I have won that award.  Last year I won box seats to a Stars game, and this year I won an SMU t-shirt, sweatshirt, and 4 tickets to a professional soccer game.  I don't know a whole lot about professional soccer, so if anyone is really into pro soccer and wants to come to the game just let me know (I don't know which game it is yet).

On other news, the job search is not looking too promising.  I was speaking with the Archon group last week (a subsidiary of Goldman Sachs), but that ultimately led nowhere, so I am back to zero.  I have 4 or 5 other jobs that I'm going to apply for this week, and I'm really starting to work on using the SMU alum network in the Real Estate field, so let's hope something will turn up . . .and soon.  It's just about Spring Break and I still don't have any kind of a job lined up --> I'm not gonna lie, I'm getting a little freaked out.  I guess all I can do is heep my head up and re-double my efforts . . .there has to be something out there.

Good night all and thanks to anyone who gives me their thoughts.

     It has been a long time since I wrote anything in this, but after tonight I feel the need to write down my thoughts so that maybe I can work through them. 

     Tonight was an interesting night.  It was Kimmy's 21st birthday, and I was expecting to have a great time.  The party started at 10, so I showed up around 11 because I didn't expect anyone to be on time.  My roomate Mike and I get there (yes, Mike & Mike, get over it), and there is no where to sit.  There are plenty of people already there, and all of the good table are taken.  The only option was for us to sit in isolated booths by ourselves, so we just kind of walked around and talked to the people sitting down.  Kimmy didn't show up 'till about 11:40 (of course she has to be fashionable late to her own party), and then things got going.  I felt really antsy and out of place, and for some reason I really needed a drink.  Yes, everyone that knows me knows that I don't drink, but sometimes when you have been having a shitty time you just need something to help you relax and forget about your shit.  So I had 2 pretty powerful vodka concoctions, and I ended up enjoying the evening.  Unfortunately Kimmy had a bad time due to relationship-type issues, as did 2 of my other friends, and it really got me thinking about relationships.  I don't understand people my age, and the relationships that they have.  In my eyes loyalty should be unquestioned - if you feel the need to cheat on someone, why are you with them?  Just face up to your feelings and tell your partner - it is unfair to them, and it destroys any chance you have of true happiness.  Furthermore, I don't understand why people do shitty things to those that they are with - guys, you should treat your girl like a princess, and do everything in your power to make her smile.  No, this doesn't mean be a slave, but have a relationship of equals in which you give your all to make the other happy - trust me, if it is the right person, they will act accordingly.  If she is happy, then you'll be happy too.  Speaking from personal experience, I was happiest when I made my ex smile - she was happy, and this made me happy.  If you don't truly want to make your partner happy, and if do not enjoy helping them stay that way, then you are with the wrong person.  Finally, I don't understand the whole "hooking up" thing.  I view this as an epidemic.  People at SMU don't date, they "hook up".  I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to go get drunk with a girl at a party/bar/club and then take her home and sleep with her.  This is not something that I ever could or would do, yet this is the norm.  What ever happened to meaningful relationships?  I personally think that sex is something that should not come into play unless there is very strong feelings or even love involved. 

Why am I like I am?  I think I was born in the wrong generation, because I just do not fit in with most people my age.  I am so at odds with the conventions and norms of the people surrounding me that at times I feel like an outsider in my own life.  This is my last semester of college, and rather than being excited I'm just . . . depressed.  It's sad, because this is supposed to be the happiest times of my life and yet I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.  It's an odd perspective on myself and life that I have developed in my time at SMU.  At one end of the spectrum I am very proud of who I am - I am a person of very strong character and values.  I have a very strong sense of what I believe to be right and wrong, and I always try to be a gentleman.  I am open-minded, and I try to approach everyone with respect.

     However, at the same time I am sick of myself and sick of my life.  I have some really good friends and I there are many things about my life that I love.  And yet, I just feel like there is something incredibly vital that I am missing. As pathetic as this is, much of my current state is brought on by my inability to find someone to share my life with.  What I feel is captured best in the George Strait song Living and Living Well: 

"There's a difference in
Living and living well
You can't have it all
All by yourself
Something's always missing
'Til you share it with someone else
There's a difference in living and living well"

I really believe that this is true.  You can live your life, and you can enjoy it, but what's the point if you haven't got someone to enjoy it with?  This leads me to my question: Why can I not find a girl?  I've had one girlfriend in my life, and it's been over 2 years since I've been on a date.  I think that maybe I just want too much, and that I am too picky.  I know that what I want is a lot, but I believe that we should never give up the "good" in order satisfy our needs and spend time with a "good enough for right now."  Perhaps I am dreaming, but this is what I want:  I want a sweet, caring, good girl.  I want someone that has a drive and intelligence so powerful that I can see it every time that I look into her eyes.  I want someone that is beautiful and in good shape - not the skinny model stereotype, but someone that is in shape from athletic activities and who has a toned body.  I want someone that can have fun but be professional, that has class but can be incredibly goofy.  I want someone that I can have long intellectual discussions with, and someone that I can just sit in silence with.  I want someone that has strong character, that is possessed of unshakable integrity, and that pursues what she believe to be right with passion.  I want someone that challenges me, and that I can challenge.  I want someone that I can cuddle with at the end of a long day.  I want someone that I can respect, and someone that I can trust in unconditionally.  Most of all, I just want someone that I can make smile. 

There, my laundry list of the ideal woman.  I realize that it is supreme arrogance for me to believe that someone that amazing would chose me, but hey, we all have to have dreams right?  I've reconciled myself to the fact that this is not going to happen anytime soon - I've been at SMU for 4 years now and have met only a very few women that I would truly want to date, all of them with boyfriends.  Maybe it's just this place, and the kind of people that it breeds.  I truly do not understand SMU women.  Countless times I have seen these amazing girls with complete jerks.  There are so many sweet girls here dating schmucks who treat them terribly, and it drives me nuts.  Why do these girls not realize that they deserve so much better than this?  I know a lot of girls that think that all SMU men are assholes looking for one thing . . .well to all of them I say you are looking in the wrong places.  There are many great guys here, you just have to look outside your immediate circle.  This is often true in life, if you just look outside of the "bubble" that you have created you will find so many amazing and inspiring things that it will blow you away.  And so, through all of this ranting, I have realized my own problem.  I am too caught up looking for a girl at SMU.  Dallas has over a million people in it . . . surely it has someone special.  Surely it has someone that I can make smile.  Thanks anyone who reads this for trudging through it all, I hope that reading my BS can help you in some way, or at least provided you with some enteratinment.  It's free, right?  Best wishes to all.

Yea, so I haven't been posting anything on here this year because i STILL don't have internet at my apt (although that should be fixed by the end of this month).  Also, more importantly, have NO time for posting random info about my life that no one really cares about . . . 18 hours senior year with a bunch of other stuff going on really saps the time.  However, I saw this on my friend Kimmy's Livejournal and I had to add it - this is so classic and fitting for SMU.  Sorry about all of the foul language - I don't like to post that, but it's part of the whole quote and it helps get across the personality type.  And some people wonder why I can get sick of SMU.

Wearing Your Collar Down is for Poor People
By I.M. Adick, III

When my ancestors came over to this great country 400 years ago, they had a vision for a utopia, free from minorities, liberals, poor people, homosexuals, and immigrants. There are few today who share such lofty ideals, but we're easy to find: Pastel polo shirts, loafers without socks, tucked-in shirts, but most importantly, collars up.

Call me a douchebag. Call me an arrogant little cocksucking dickhead. Beat the shit out of me if I'm not with fifteen of my B-frat friends (unlikely). But just know this: I interned at Smith Barney this summer. Where did you work? A Blockbuster? That's right you insignificant sack of dogshit; I'm going to be your boss. So take your t-shirt wearing, financial aid, blue-collar ass over to Blockbuster and get me a copy of Old School. Do you even own a tuxedo?

Look at my girlfriend. You think she'd go for someone who didn't have his collar up? I don't think so. I remember the night I met her. I bought her so many $9 drinks she couldn't even walk. So I drove her home in my BMW 328ci, but not before I took a few "liberties" with her. The next morning I took her to brunch and went to the mall, where I bought her some blouses. You assholes don't know the first thing about being a gentleman. You probably don't even know how to sail.

When I get out of business school, I'm going to be making $120,000 a year. Add that to my trust fund, and I can buy a country club membership, a ski house, and still have enough money to go barhopping around the city in my designer clothes and shit-eating grin. Maybe I'll offer you a hundred bucks to flip my collar up for me. I earned it you middle-class fuck up. I bet you went to public school.

You're so predictable. I bet I can guess your political party just by looking at you. My cronies and I range from elitist northern liberals to heartless conservative bastards. I've wasted enough time with you. Get some rich parents, an internship, and a pink polo with the collar up, and then maybe I'll let you hang out with me.