PyOOr_ImAgInAsHuN's Xanga

Friday, September 22, 2006

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 08:53:01 GMT

hi guys...people...girls...w/e

EVERYONE NEEDS A GAY GUY

(even straight boys, although they'd be hard pressed to admit it...you anti-gays too...we're great, face it!!)

Okay so....I feel like I have some GREAT ADVICE TO GIVE...

I want to be an Advice Columnist (is that word?)...no i mean it. I'm serious...I really really do. How great would that be? Okay so look...

You should send all of your issues, concerns, other-worldly difficulties to: mtabarangao@yahoo.com Oo, and make sure they are like anonymous so I can impartial.

I'll read them and bulliten my responses ~~(SO EVERYONE LEARN SOMETHING!!!)~~

I'm excited...

Hope to hear from everyone soon...

Yours truely...Matthew FYI...I'll posting the responses on Myspace, and you'd have to be my friend to receive it. Myspace.com/pyoor_imaginashunorMyspace.com/matthewsmyspace2or You can tell me you're from Xanga and I'll post it here as well.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 07:10:51 GMT

Written By: Matthew C. Tabarangao

Place: In the car, at the hospital, before work

Time: 7:30 AM

Date: Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Sometimes I regret that I don’t talk to Joey and then I realize that it’s always going to be that/this way. I just happened to be the one to get angry and make everything “official”. There is something to be said about me, however, I think. I must really be a terrible person/friend to not talk to a best friend anymore. This, too, may be the reason that I find myself alone/single so often. How do you let years of anger and frustration go? How do you let go of love?

And let me not blame everything on my past, let’s say I’m on my merit, in becoming the person that I am. Well, then that just makes me a bad person. And if I am simply a bad person that why do people like me? Or do they even? Am I the hunter and they the hunted? Am I a user? Am I two faced and evil for my own means of manipulation? And if I am this great manipulator why haven’t I been found out and set aside. Or maybe that’s just it. I am found out, then I move again to “fertile” ground where I can prey amongst the lesser animals? Am I the true snake in the grass? Or better the vampire in the dark? Waiting and watching for someone to take the life out of until they have nothing left to give me? Am I?

And to think, that if you’re reading this, you’re my friend (theoretically), which could mean I’ve used /am using you and it’s only a matter of time until you too are used up/fed up with me. Do you feel used, maybe on the verge of being used up? Who knows?

I guess this is beware…

Written by: Matthew C. Tabarangao

Place: At home, in the guest bedroom

Time: 10:09 PM

Date: Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I wanted it to be over as soon as it started.

I feel like I’m swimming upstream with one hell of current pushing me the wrong way, like I am slowly slipping backwards, like my goal is too far way and the world is too strongly keeping me in my place. I feel like I am running a race that I know I can’t win. How do you deal with that? I’ve been asking a lot of questions to things to which I would usually have the answer, or at least pretended I did. I mean SOMETIMES I did actually have an answer, other times I think I just put 5 and 6 together to make 11 hoping that there was not another variable somewhere in there that I was not anticipating; this is never the case mind you.

I feel plagued with more than I even I care to handle. I bare it, but like an elder to osteoporosis w/o medication, I am slowly but surely losing. Everyday sanity slips further and further out of reach and I find myself wishing for something that is not there. Even in complete and utter frustration I knew I had a rock and I knew that alone, no matter how hard I tried, I could not do it. Everyday I look around and hope that I find a new one, and everyday I look around to see nothing. I like to think about things, and how they could have not been this way if only I had made different, and maybe not so life altering changes. However, those do not matter. Things are what they are, and I must put behind and make change, because that is all I know how to do. I’m not sure I ever learned to cope.

I am sick. Sick with dread, with sadness, with depression, with disappointment in myself, with mundane tasks to pass my time, with life, with everything that used to make me happy. What is one to do when nothing seems to make him happy. I’m starting to realize just how much I’m pushing my “social” self. I’m stretching my self rather thin at work and it has not gone unnoticed. I’m reaching for something that I no longer have, that I thought I would no longer need, that I no longer want.

When I die sometimes I think I don’t want to be remembered. Someone is likely to remember my voice or my smile, my random out bursts, my cruel and yet funny jokes, or my insane love for shopping even when I had no money. But, will anyone remember me because I was great, because I was better than the next best guy? Will anyone remember me for me, and not my actions, will I have, maybe, left wise words on someone and changed a life? If I am only remembered for the material things that I could do and did do, I’m not sure I want to be remembered. If I cannot live on, I think I would prefer death in the solace of itself and not people searching for something to say to comfort my family members. When I die, I think I’ll be crying because of all the things that I have not done and all of the things that I never had the bravery to admit. I think that, when I die, things will be different, for everyone who knew me. A weight will be lifted. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I were to die I wouldn’t be able to write, and there for would not be able to worry, and I most likely would not be able to project my “life”, if you will, for lack of a better word, on to others which could, in the end be a happy thing for a few people; this makes me smile.

Of all the things….that I could have said, I have only said a few of them…more to come…at some point, probably soon.

And I should mention, if you are reading and are tired of reading about me bitch, then don’t ready hunny, it’s that simple.

remember...

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 14:25:12 GMT

aw! i felt so Xanga-loved...

like i don't write here often, and thats because of myspace, but still...like when i do, people read and ask questions and attempt at making better...

thanks!

Friday, June 23, 2006

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 22:20:49 GMT

so i think i messed up...

BIG...but i can't take it back now...its over, i think. 6 years...gone...but you know, i don't think that im sad, i just kinda feel alone...

what do you do when things like this happen? i don't know, doens't matter i guess, because im not going to do it...2 best friends in the course of about a year....wow right?

although i still have a couple bests...its just not the same....

too bad my inside temperature doesn't reflect the outside temp...if it did id be scared of the next ice age...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Wed, 17 May 2006 15:10:14 GMT

wow, its been a long time, but i sometimes feel the need to write about things...or about nothing here...especially because this site is no longer as "watched" as my myspace...HAHA!! some fun things go in there and some not so fun things go in here...oh well, i guess it doenst' matter so much....so....

somtimes, i miss you but most of the times i don't, i just felt like i had to say that...boys these days...they kinda pop in and pop out of thought...

there are a great many things i have yet to take upon my self to understand and still so many things that i do understand so much better than those other people. im entirely bored with things....iunno, maybe its just me...but i really do want everything to eventually be perfect, most of all i want a seamless movement from school/stockton to work/sacramento....right now i kinda seem complicated and i don't do complicated well, i end up flipping out and then it all goes to hell...but eh, i think ill be fine....and that whole higher education thing, just majorly kinda freaks me out...i just have to figure that all out when i get to it, i have a little while...

i want to go camping...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 06:36:04 GMT

in love again...

maybe...but maybe not so much, i guess it all depends on how you look at it...however....it doesn't matter so much...im slowly weaning myself from the thoughts...

eh, everythings fine...

DECEMBER here i come...

old friends...

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 17:31:21 GMT

old friends..make new friends...and forget about the old friends....

then you never see them, they flake...or lie...then...well...you're back where you started...no where...the same place...oh well...

i won't make the same mistake for the 3rd time...i refuse...

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 18:56:38 GMT

im tired...i feel it...

why is it that you linger still? i would much rather you just go away now...please? for a little while...

one or the other, but never both, it makes me write dumb things to people that i should not...excuse me...

and to you the boy in class...you're not my norm...but i find you perfect...im just so afraid that im much to bad for you...and i feel that maybe id ruin all your goodness...

k bye

and happy valentines day to you...

Monday, February 06, 2006

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 03:32:12 GMT

so while everyone watches something about something something i wonder...slightly...about things which i should not, becuase its a lot better that way...

and i think that im hella tired of people thinking that i do not care...when i care far too much and yes being self centered usually gets the job done, but acting otherwise hurts much to much to be delt with..maybe when i find someone/something worth actually liking then ill change, but until then my fukkked up lil boys i will act as i will w/o your drunken scrutiny...its just not cute my dear...and thats fine...

fuck it..fuck you...

and yes...in the car...i lied...BUT I THINK YOU KNEW THAT...and thats all i have to say about that...

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 04:10:07 GMT

could it be possible that ive regressed this many years? no really...its GOING to pass..but...WHY NOW!? why THEN?! WHY?!

its been years...and...NOTHING...nothing at all...not one shred of emotional i-wish-it-could-happen-again....not ONE!...then the moment is right and everything falls into place. i don't like it, i can't stand it. makes me feel like i am to good at repression that i can be cold for years at a time, but still be torn apart bu a single moment. i just don't understand...do you know how scart that is? like to know that you can control you like that? its terrible...these are REAL emotions, the kind you aren't supposed to be able to control. does this prove what old folks say about love and its neverending-ness? or am i just phasing...for like a week. only time will tell i guess, i just really don't want this.

it would explain everything...why no ones good enough, why nothing works, why im looking in all the wrong places...why i end up liking people that i know...that I KNOW won't like me back, why i set me up for heart-break...yeh...no...too much reasoning that works...no, i just don't want it...i can't have it...you have to understand, it needs to go away...go away for...forever...for good...always...

i dearsay...i love you...and ive never stopped...after all this time...all of that fighting for "sanity"...all of the hiding...the hatred...the anger...the time i spent figuring it all out...could it be...that i just love you...and ive kept it hidden for this long....

too...im done running in circles. im just tired, i think even i have exhausted my will to be a "game player". im tired of one night stands that lead to why's in the morning...or a lonely ride home and some odd sickening feeling of accomplishments...im done with caring what you do...and what he does...and what you to do together...and then to talk about it and skirt the issue like its some disease or fatal move that will get us both killed...

anywho...im out...i think only one person will get all this right...and thats okay...so...

i love you...i really do...but it can't happen...and thats fine...just don't get to close...please?