Hello.

For years I wanted to start a journal, to jot down things worth remembering, to chronicle my life's ups and downs. But I could never decide on a medium: a paper journal is much more authentic, and allows me to use stick figures to better illustrate the unspeakable. But my hand-writing has deteriorated to true chicken scratch, so I'd much prefer working on the computer. But I find it mechanical to depend on a computer and internet for something so personal. Hence, I put off the idea of keeping a journal regularly. Though occasionally I made some Xanga updates, they by no means represented the full spectrum of my life. But then again, I'll never be able to do that anyway, it'll always be highlights, and lowlights.

The reasons of my return are to organize my thoughts, develop some serious introspection, and attempt to open up again. I used to write private entries, but I'll try to do less of that now. There are many things I'd like to say, but people seem so caught up in their lives that they hear you but don't. I'll write in here from time to time, I don't know who reads it, but it does not matter. Sometimes the entries won't even make sense anyway.

I used to be mature for my age, I used to succeed in many things, I used to be confident. Many things change each time I move, and I've lost many of my good qualities throughout the years. I've become lazy in high school, mainly because my eyesight became narrow and I did not feel competition. And when there was competition in college, I had lost the capacity to get back in the game. It had always been easy for me to make and maintain friends, but I have lost that natural ability as well. I'm still trying to figure out why, I guess there are many reasons, and they all lead back to the high school bubble I was enclosed in. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm a rebel. A dumb rebel, because the things I rebelled against were things I needed to accomplish. When people matured, I chose not to, I wanted to hold on to my childhood, hold on to what was safe and familiar. I'm hungry.

I am a girl who unsuccessfully attempts to rid of her girly acts. My mom taught me to be the most proper girl that everyone admired, but now I sit with my legs open and burp in public. But deep down I'm as girly as ever. Fickle, emotional, and let the littlest things bother me.

Well, today's introspection ends here. I will move on to my next topic.

Trust is a fragile thing. You must approach it with extreme care. For a naive person, it's easily obtained. But once it's broken, it is hard to build back. This is what I learned from my trip to China. As we came off the bus, several tricycle carriages came up offering to take us to our destination. It was only a 5 minute walk, but we decided to ride them for fun because heck, it cost only one yuan (13 cents). We told our chauffeur where we wanted to go and got there in no time. But we realized that it was not the place we had said, and our chauffeur said:"oh yes I know, but this place is really good too, you should check it out." Dumbfounded and a little irritated, we made him take us back to the right destination at no charge. After touring our first stop of the day, we went on to look for the bus to get to our next location. Of course we looked like lost tourists the way my dad reads the map, so a guy came up offering to take us there in his private car for only 5 yuan. We knew that he was not a licensed taxi driver, but this kind of service was not uncommon in tourist-y towns, plus, he is not going to kidnap us in broad day light and take us to a bun shop to sell as meat. We got on, and the first thing he asks is, have you been to "this one place" (the same place that the tricycle took us the first time). So we knew he was up to no good like our previous chauffeur. "Yes we've been there already, just take us STRAIGHT to our next destination please." Seeing that we knew his motive, he carefully said, "well have you been to this other place? It's really nice! If you just go there for 10 minutes, look around, you don't even have to buy anything, I can get a three yuan commission." We said no in literally 20 different ways, and he still wouldn't give up. He stopped the car at the place he wanted us to go to, and waited for us to get out. My mom finally felt sorry for him and decided to go in, watch him get his commission, and get on with our trip. And he saw her memorizing his license plate so he did not dare leaving us there. The place was a silk factory, and it showed how silk was made which was really interesting, reminded me of the days I kept silkworms at home as pets. We came out, the driver came up to us, pretending like he was talking on the cellphone, told us that an emergency came up and he had to go pick up his mentor blah blah blah. I guess he didn't get his commission because we didn't spend enough time at the factory. My mom demanded that he take us to our destination as promised or she would call the police. Threatening him worked, and he did as she said with his tail between his legs. It's shocking the way people try to manipulate you, the way they throw away their end of the promise, the way they break your trust and lose your respect. I was pick-pocketed in Shanghai, though the attempt was unsuccessful, it makes me sick to think of the prevalence of such act and the many things that make this city a beautiful poison apple.

There is much more to say, but my butt is sore from sitting.

So long.

Kathy's cool!

clearly, i won the picture war. 

i've been trying to come up with the perfect thesis for my paper for the past hour.  i got nothing.  michel fokine... blah blah blah.  but what a great man who revolutionized the art of ballet forever.  it is for his genius, dedication and creativity in perfecting the theatre totale that i award him... person of the moment.  clap clap. 

in psych the other day, we watched a pbs special on this guy that got his thingie cut off when he was little and was forced to be raised as a girl then he turned into a boy again and got an artificial thingie and got married but committed suicide last year.  it's so sad. 

this weekend was really fun right glo?  we went to the beach and stalked two hott guys, i bought a 2 dollar jawbreaker that's too big to fit in to my mouth, still haven't finished eating it.  then gloria tripped and rolled down the stairs in ae, i have proof.  i think we were gonna go to dormal, but i didn't wanna get my dress sweaty.  i love that dress.  love it love it love it.  y'all can tell me how beautiful i look in it.  go ahead don't be shy

oh and say can-can if you think the guy posing on the bed is pretty.