QuackinDuckie22's Xanga

Vocab Change

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 16:43:41 GMT

I need a change in my vocabulary.

I no longer want to say "I will...." or "I am going to..."

Instead I should be able to say "I am..."

I'm tired of making excuses, tired of living on the edge. I just need to do stop thinking about it, stop pondering, and just jump off into the water.

I need to stop living my life in the future and live in the present. The right now, stop waiting for the right time.

The time is now.

I am standing, I am changing, I am starting a new fire.

2 wishes (I'm saving one to free my genie)

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:46:01 GMT

If there was two things I could change about myself it would probably be the following:

1. Be more carefree
2. Be more easily entertained

I find the lack of these two things in my life to hold me back from experiencing life to the fullest capacity.

For example with being more carefree. Mike and I have talked several times about moving. Not just moving to a new residence, but moving to another state, possible another country. It would be just to experience life somewhere other where we both have grownup. Just a temporary experiment to see what life is like elsewhere. But even though there is a part of me that desires to do this, to leave behind what I know and explore the foreign lands, a more dominant part of me is repulsed at the thought. That part of me logically sits me down, tells me how much work, how much time, how much emotional burden such a move would cause. And then I am convinced, for I am a woman of logic. And logic almost always wins with me.

That's just one example of how I am held back.

Many times I use the phrase "easily entertained" as a derogatory statement. Sometimes hinting at someone being simple minded, or immature. But truthfully, sometimes I wish I could just be "easily entertained". Those who are "ee" laugh at things others can't laugh at, have fun while others are deathly bored, etc. Instead I usually sit around head between my knees, waiting for fun to materialize itself before me. Life is boring when lived that way. Thankfully I have Mike who tends to pull me over to the darkside at times. But I like the darkside, they have brownies! :]

Capturing the whole picture, I just need to stop being so tightly wound around the calm, cool, collected, and mature stick. Sometimes I let the end dangle a little, but its not long before I'm back wrapped neatly into place.

Unburdened

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:47:37 GMT

Response.

Our love, the decisions we make, the way we live our lives should be a response.

If we would just focus our lives on His love, His word, just get to know Him, we would respond appropriately.

Too many times we try to force changes into our lives thinking it will make us cleaner, more pure, more worthy. But He gave us grace for a reason, we need to stop trying and just respond. Just love Him back.

Faith a response to His victory.

Love a response to His sacrifice

Priase a response to His goodness

Worship a response to His unmerited favor

How great He is. How awesome. I will sit back and just let Him change me, instead of trying to change myself on my own. I could never make myself good enough. It is He who completes me and finishes the work He has begun in me.

New Understanding

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 17:52:05 GMT

I've been baffled by one thing lately. Peace.

A peace that surpasses all understanding.

I should be wracked with fear unsure of what the future holds. I should be concerned about this inner turmoil I've been struggling with. I should be burdened by the lack of many important things in my life. I should be miserable because of my loneliness.

But I feel none of it. Well not entirely, there are moments when fear, concern, burden and misery try to intrude upon my life. I mention one name. Jesus.

Peace.

It doesn't make sense, but that doesn't bother me. I am just happy it's there.

Not complaining, just grateful.

Explained

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 20:18:06 GMT

*Disclaimer* This blog may not make any sense, just needed to write some thoughts down.

I've been feeling strange lately. I feel things happening, deep inside me, but I can't figure out exactly what they are. There are a few things... and it's really weird that I know that there are separate issues, but I don't know what the issues are... if that makes sense. And honestly, it's a little frustrating. It wears me out.

I'm not upset about it at all, just confused. It's weird to not quite understand what's going on with yourself.

And I also say this to explain the lack of blogging as of late. I don't have much to say, as I don't have much knowledge of what's going on with me. And I don't like to talk about the everyday stuff unless it's something significant or I got something significant from it. So... there you go Hyun and anyone else who has been wondering what's been going on.

Everything

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:56:06 GMT

I try so hard but don't succeed, because only You can give me what I need.

Thumper's Favorite Adage

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:39:23 GMT

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

The most profound wise sentence ever found in a Disney film. Sadly, though I've known this phrase since before I could make mud pies, I never really grasped it's full implications. I must admit, it's simple. Say nice things, and if you can't, just don't talk. Somehow in it's simplicity, it slipped away. Wiggled it's way right through my fingers and hid itself somewhere deep inside my brain.

But this past two weeks in my small group we have been hitting topics that really bring this to my attention. I think Someone else was also trying to bring it to my attention. One week we talk about kindness, the following week gossip. Talk about someone shouting at me "YOU SHOULD REALLY THINK ABOUT HOW YOU ARE TALKING!!!"

I like to think of myself as a nice, kind person. And for the most part, most of my friends, family, people that are close to me would state the same. Yet, I do think I am actually deservant of such a descriptor. I say this only because I tend to: gossip unintentionally, speack sarcastically, and tease people for a laugh. All three things with my mouth, all three on the low side of the kindness scale.

I never realized how much of a bad habit these things have become. But now I am quite aware and am working at it. Thankfully, I don't have to do it on my own.

The Overtrodden Path

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 19:07:39 GMT

Why do I insist on everyone in my life having a label or a role? I seem to tattoo titles across people's forehead. I see that person I automatically classify them to the role they have in my life. I leave no for flexibility, and that's where my perfect plan fails.

It seems I have too many expectations. My mind demands people to assume the role I have given them. Often times the opposite happens. Then my heart sinks down to my feet, where I walk on it all day and then I attempt to pick the flattened out organ, fluff it and return it to it's permanent residence in my body.

Expectations weary me, but yet I can't seem to rid myself of their evil presence. Worst of all it seems that expectations were designed to breed failure. First of all, many times the expectations I create are never revealed to the victim, therefore to think that he/she could fulfill those expectations is absurd. Yet they still ensue.

At least there is One that will never fail me.

I must defeat this evil demon that insists on wreaking havoc on my life. But until then, I think I'll get a tattoo on my forehead which states "Expects too much" or maybe I'll just write it in permanent marker.

Story so far

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 19:46:20 GMT

10 years ago I didn't understand who I was or what I believed, I just acted upon what I was told.
Today, I know what I believe and understand that I am found in Him and I act because I know.

He has brought me so far

9 years ago my fear of imperfection had developed so far, it crippled me from doing many things that I could
Today, I know that I will never be perfect and that I can do all things through Christ, I have no reason to fear.

He has brought me so far

8 years ago I was chasing after love, trying to fufill it through boys that just left me more broken.
Today, I have a husand who I know loves me, but my true source of love and fufillment will always be above

He has brought me so far

7 years ago I had my life planned out, I knew who and what I wanted to be.
Today, I know where my life is headed, but I want it to be led by God and God alone, not my own selfish desires.

He has brought me so far

6 years ago I thought I could not live a day without my friends.
Today, God is who sustains me, my friends are an added benefit.

He has brought me so far

5 years ago I began to lose sight of my purpose in life, unsure of why I was living.
Today, I can never lose sight of my purpose because I do not create it.

He has brought me so far

4 years ago my life was in shambles rocked to the core by divorce and distrust.
Today, I am healed from the pain and learning how to trust again.

He has brought me so far

3 years ago I realized the true power that I had within and beside me to overcome every trial and temptation.
Today, I am operating in that power more and more and overcoming what I never could have before.

He has brought me so far

2 years ago I was a new graduate from college looking for that job that would make me rich.
Today, I have secure job, have learned that riches mean nothing if I a not living God's purpose for my life

He has brought me so far

1 year ago I was dreaming of the day I would live in my own home, it seemed so far away.
Today, I live in a beautiful house which God has blessed me with beyond what I dreamed of.

He has brought me so far

And He will take me even further.
I am excited to see what He has in store for me.

A Friend Indeed

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 21:30:57 GMT

I found this story on the web today:

Real Friend
Author: Unknown

Horror gripped the heart of the World War I soldier, as he saw his life-long friend fall in battle. Caught in a trench with continuous gunfire whizzing over his head, the soldier asked his lieutenant if he might go out into the "No Man's Land" between the trenches to bring his fallen comrade back.

"You can go," said the lieutenant, "but I don't think it will be worth it. Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your own life away."

The lieutenant's words didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway. Miraculously he managed to reach his friend, hoist him onto his shoulder, and bring him back to their company's trench. As the two of them tumbled in together to the bottom of the trench, the officer checked the wounded soldier, then looked kindly at his friend.

"I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead, and you are mortally wounded."

"It was worth it, though, sir," the soldier said.

"How do you mean, 'worth it'?" responded the lieutenant. "Your friend is dead!"

"Yes sir," the private answered. "But it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive, and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say, 'Jim, I knew you'd come.'"

Many a times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not really depends on how you look at it. Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do so that you may not regret not doing it later in life. May each and everyone of you be blessed with the company of true friends.

To make a short story long: it brought tears to my eyes. I'm not sure as to the truth of the story, but it got me to do the unthinkable: think.

I've always desired to have great friends in my life. Ones that I can depend one, friends that are by my side through large and small. I've learned through many uninspiring experiences to be in posession of a good friend, I myself, must be that friend. Thus, I have given up on looking for a good friend, instead my efforts are focused solely on improving my friendliness factor. I crave to be that friend that someone can depend on through the wars of life, that friend that knows just what to say at the wrong time (I can't be perfect!!), and I hope that being that I will be able to find somewhere in the bushes of this jungle called life, one that will be there for me. Though I have a few prospects, I'm still young and honestly haven't been through enough to be settled in my heart that they are the ones, but I hope that when I'm fifty and having those torturous heat flashes (or whatever age you hit menopause), some of the friends I have now will still be around and floated with me an a dingy through the storms of life.

But mostly I have to be thankful for a friend who has already proven Himself. As it says "No greater love has man that this, than he who laid down his life for his friends." John 15:33

No matter if I end up alone in the middle of the sea, I know that there is someone there watching me, forcing the sea to float me gently me to shore.