Country:United States State:Tennessee Metro:Nashville Gender:Male
Interests:changing people around me by stirring their souls and unlocking the creative passions of their heart by stimulating them and challenging them through art, media, music, and storytelling in hopes that everyone would discover their true nature and be authentic...yeah...or I could have just said 'bowling'
My friend Mark Collins passed away this week. He was 46.
I was watching TV the other night and this movie
had already been on when I found it. Maybe I caught the last 30 minutes
of it. I had to fill in a lot of blanks. But in the movie; the hero, of
course, had to face his fears and overcome some obstacles; join forces
with some unlikely companions and then fight the forces of evil. I love
stories like this. No matter how cheesy.
At the end
of the movie, the hero is standing and overseeing the area and
everything is made right and all of the people whom he saved were happy
and enjoying themselves. Newly formed relationships were flourishing.
And he looked over it and gave a nod of approval. I was moved by this.
I can tell a good story if it is a story that I want to be in. One I
want to be a part of.
The man who taught me how to
appreciate a good story and how to appreciate the arts, was Mark
Collins. He was my theatre teacher in high school. My longest and best
friendships to date were formed in his classes. I took 3 courses from
him. He taught me how to mentally block distraction. He showed me how
to see unlimited possibilities from ordinary objects. He forced me to
work with people that I wouldn't normally and in environments that were
uncomfortable. He taught me how to deal properly with criticism. He
affirmed my talents, encouraged my spirit, and rewarded my efforts. He
made me believe that I could be a part of the story. Any story.
As I write this, I realize that he must have done
this for so many others. So many people benefited from his life. I am
humbled to have been a part of his own story.
why I will always feel out of place in church settings
I've been a believer for a long time. And a churchgoer for longer. I
went to a Bible College; and for a few of those years, I was actually
studying Youth Ministry and preparing to to be a minister of some sort
working with youth and young adults. During that time, I learned that
my gifts and interests would be more efficiently utilized if I were not
pursuing ministry work. I would instead continue pursuing art in
profession and ministry/worship would be a natural life activity more
than a job or service.
Last night, I was reminded why. I experienced one of the most deflating
and disheartening experiences that I've experienced within a church
setting. Perhaps part of it is my fault. But I don't think it can
really be helped. Let me explain.
I go to a worship service on Monday nights and I've been part of the
leadership team for a few months. Well, really all I do is help out
here and there. I help set up and tear down. But one of the main things
we do is talk to people; greet people, and so on.
I got in trouble last night. I was pulled aside and told that I wasn't
to "self-promote." What that means is; I'm not allowed to promote or
tell people about Quiet Entertainer. The lady-in-charge explained to me
that she has a real estate business yet she doesn't go around handing
out business cards to promote her business. I understand that. She said
that often times people just want to come and worship and shouldn't
have people's agendas pushed on them. I understand that.
I apologized and asked if there had been complaints. She said there had
been several. She gave some other example of someone doing something
which I don't remember. Then she asked if I was offended. I said, "Yes,
somewhat..." and as I started to explain why, she cut me off and said
"Oh no, it's ok! Don't be offended! We are still glad you're with us!"
And despite any good intentions, this showed me that there was no
interest in my viewpoint or in whatever I had to say. So I will say
those things here.
I suppose when you are talking about yourself, you are missing out on a
chance to learn about other people. Some people have remarked that in
conversations, I don't ask enough questions. When you meet someone, and
that person is always talking about themself and not asking you
anything about yourself, I guess it can seem that the person is
disinterested in you and that the person is somewhat self absorbed.
Perhaps by taking opportunities in those social settings to talk about
what I'm doing; I am missing out on hearing about others. So I can see
that can be an area where I can grow or change. I will agree with that.
On the other hand, I disagree that me talking about my music or an
upcoming show is the same as someone promoting their real estate
business. Before and after the worship setting, there is a time for
being social. During this time, because I had been 'talked to' before
anything started; I felt very awkward. A typical conversation for me
when meeting someone new is "Hey, my name is_______ what's yours? what
do you do?" When someone asks me, what do I do; I just get nauseous. I
hate talking about work. I really do. And over the past year, I hate
that I work so much and so the thing that I have the most information
to talk about is work. I actually hate that about myself.
Something I really like about myself is pursuing music and acting.
Someone asked me last night, "Hey, so have you been DJ-ing?" And I
didn't know what to say. Was I allowed to speak on that? That's when I
knew there was a problem. When I speak about my music or something i'm
doing creatively, it's not the same as someone's vocational business. I
don't do what I do for money. I'd like to, but basically I do what I do
for free, and for the enjoyment of doing, and so that other people can
enjoy it also. Maybe that's why lady-in-charge does real estate; maybe
that's why you, the reader, can do what you do every day. I don't know
your heart. I know mine. So while I'd love to speak passionately,
openly, and honestly about the joys of FedEx; that is really a
challenge for me. More so than it is to speak about Q.E.
Some people just want to come and worship. That was another reason. But
why are there planned social portions of the evening? And what is being
promoted then? It's ok for people to promote themselves as UT
fans...it's ok to promote your love of sports. I hate UT. but I love UT
fans. Because they're all passionate about it. I have to respect that.
So I don't get angry when a UT fan talks about UT. In a church setting.
I just talk about Memphis. Or I go somewhere else. or talk to someone
else. I certainly wouldn't take them aside to say they couldn't talk
about UT. Because, gosh, when I come to a church setting I just want to
worship.
It's ok to promote the name of the band and the worship leader. I guess
because it's ministry. I guess because it's worship. I don't know. I
can't remember feeling so let down and so unvalidated. So deflated. Not
since I was told by a woman at a church that I should never use the
turntables because it was inappropriate. Not since I was told at Bible
College that the music I was playing on my radio show (hip-hop) was
inappropriate.
I was a youth minister for about a year and a half in Illinois. For a
long time, I struggled with trying to find a way to do the ministry
part while also using what I felt were my gifts and my desires that had
been given to me. After I had been there about a year; I met some guys
that encouraged me to do a show as Quiet Entertainer. My first ever
show by myself. I did the show. It was great; I felt great about it and
people liked it. It opened doors; but later I had a really huge
argument about it on whether it was appropriate for me to do that sort
of thing.
That's not why I left Illinois; but it speaks to something. I never
felt comfortable being completely myself after that around those people
who had issue with what I was doing. And now I feel very awkward here
in Nashville in that setting. I could feel it last night. Someone asked
me about DJ-ing; something I really love; and I couldn't respond in a
way that I normally would; out of fear. She was probably thinking "Why
is Greg being so weird? I thought he liked DJ-ing?"
I have had some great church experiences; and met great people in the
church. But it seems like my love for acting and music is so foreign to
some. I always feel out of place or that my own interests are not
welcome. I suppose that church shouldn't be about my own interests.
However, so often I feel like it can be about everyone's interests but
mine.
I'm going to work on the things I need to change, but also; I am not
going to put myself in situations where I am going to feel awkward or
inhibited either. Not on purpose.
I
really do believe that not everything that happens in life happens for
a reason. I think that some things in life should never happen; or when
they do happen; it really sucks. But so often when crappy things
happen, I hear people say this as if to say "Oh, it's ok."
But
when bad stuff happens, it isn't ok! And when we screw up; sometimes
there isn't a reason. Sometimes, we just make mistakes. And that's ok
to admit. I don't think it makes us weak or lesser.
As I look
back over my year. I was realizing that I have gone through and
experienced a lot and I also have two or three regrets. And I caught
myself thinking, "Oh well it's ok because everything happens for a
reason." And to be fair, it's totally reasonable to pull something good
out of a bad circumstance. And when you do that, you can say, "Well, if
that hadn't happened; I never would have _____." But that doesn't make
the bad thing ok.
I guess what I want to avoid is blaming God
for everything bad and sayig He must have some great reason for it. But
there are no reasons for some of the things. I guess the key is to
learn from both the good and the bad circumstances and to grow and find
positive meaning in each thing. To me, that is different than just
blindly accepting that something is ok because there must be some
unknown reason behind it.
So yep. I'm very pleased with 2007.
I played a lot of shows as Quiet Entertainer. Performed at Cornerstone.
Went to Bonnaroo. Went to Austin, Dallas, and New Orleans for some
shows. Joined a church. Made some friends. Stretched myself. Became a
working actor again. Got to be in two commercials and a music video.
Praise God for all those things. I am eager to grow.
I think
despite every obstacle; I think I still "ran for it." But I need to be
more disciplined in a lot of areas where I stumbled this year. So in
keeping with the theme, this is 1 Corinthians 9:24-27
24Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
25Everyone
who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get
a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last
forever. 26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27No,
I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to
others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.
So there it is. Happy New Year! Let's talk more in '08!
Every
so often, I will pray that God will allow me to know Him more. When I
do this, usually it's just like "Well I guess I should go to church
more or read the Bible." On occasion, I will get an insight; that I
don't think really comes from the Lord. But then suddenly, and it's
almost like it's God talking to me.
I know that there are some
readers that don't believe in God. I have often wondered whether to
explain or share these types of things in my blog. But I hope that
people can connect through some of the things I share. And it's kind of
an underlying theme. Especially with friends of mine. Any friend of
mine; I would want to relate to and vice versa.
Anyway, I was
saying about God...sometimes He gives me some insight. I was thinking
about Abraham in the Bible. He's referred to as a friend of God. Later
in the NT, all believers are called friends of God. But in the OT, it
seems to be a special distinction.
I remember that Abraham was
asked to sacrifice his son on an altar. God stopped him just as he was
about to do it. In the story, we get that God provides (He provided
Abraham with a sacrifice just then.) But I see also that God was giving
Abraham a unique perspective and a look ahead at what God was going to
have to emotionally and mentally deal with as He was going to sacrifice
His Son to save the world. So Abraham went through the mental process
of what God was dealing with. So in that, Abraham and God could relate
in a new way.
I think that I have experienced something that
allows me to relate in a new way. This past fall and winter, I have
liked a girl. And without getting into specifics; I'll just say that I
have pursued actively and in a way that I am proud of. But I'm still
single. So that's that.
I've learned a lot during this time.
I've learned a lot about myself and about this person and other people.
And while I am still friends with this girl, and it's been a great
friendship; the "pursuit" aspect of the whle thing has been
frustrating. And the frustrations have finally outweighed the benefits.
I was pondering this and trying to figure out why. I finally came to a
conclusion.
This woman who I was putting energy into, has been
very affirming and very encouraging of me and my efforts. Telling me
that I am one of a kind and the only real man or the only good guy out
there. Yet, she would rather be with another guy. Seemingly, any other
guy would be more desirable. Yet when other guy doesn't pan out; or
drops the ball; I am the guy who will hear about it. This is beyond
frustrating because well, if I'm really such a great guy...well you
know what I mean.
Some people have asked what was up with
those videos I posted in the other blog. Both of them; while about
completely different things; seemed to capture the emotion I have been
feeling as I have thought about all this. "How come (she) don't want
me?" "I tried my best..." Seemed to be the best way to express it
without outing anyone at the time. Also, I found those two videos to be
compelling and perhaps took you through some of the same process that I
have going through, if only for a moment.
As I considered
this, I immediately got this notion that this is how God feels. Often,
believers will praise God and say all these things to God but then we
can turn around and look for other things and praise other things; or
spend time elsewhere; and when it doesn't work out; we turn back to God
and complain and cry out and pray and wonder why it's not working and
realize that there is no one like God. I think God is allowing me to
see and experience the same kind of frustration that He must feel with
believers who go back and forth and say one thing but act and feel
another sometimes.
I hope that as I continue; I will remember
what I have learned and try to treat God with the respect and love that
He deserves. Also, as I experience emotions and other things in life; I
hope to be able to learn from them in the same way I have learned.
This
seems kind of personal; why put it in a blog. I hope that people who
have experienced something like this will be able to relate and also
see the same thing that I see. That would make this particular feeling
worth it. And I hope it is.
I am up EARLY! It's a rare occasion. I hope everyone can enjoy it!
I was out and about this weekend. And I saw this guy; he looked really familiar. So I am trying to look at him without looking...you know? Trying to figure out who the guy is. He dressed pretty nicely. Had the stubble look going. I could swear I had seen this guy before. I couldn't put my finger on it. I thought, "Do I know this guy? or is he famous?" Well, I finally figured it out later. It was this guy.
Or at least it was someone who looked exactly like him. And I am thinking, where do I know this guy from? And I was just racking my brain trying to figure it out. Well, I don't watch a lot of TV shows (except for one that I will mention later) and I normally watch a lot of movies but I haven't seen any new ones in a while. So what's he from?
Okay, so he was in Sweet Home Alabama. Pretty ok movie, watched it with my sister. But isn't he in something else? IMDB-time! Oh, sweet! He was in Can't Buy Me Love. Remember that movie? OH, ok. I've heard this name before...this guy is McDreamy....
and I thought, who comes up with that name? McDreamy? You know that's a TV character name. I had to do some research to find out that this isn't the guy's actual name on the show. Thank goodness.
So what's up with Grey's Anatomy? Actually, I have seen one episode. I can't remember what happened in it. I just remember that one of the characters seemed to do strange things...with guys. I think she was one of McDreamy's women. (Just saying that name or typing it makes me laugh. I mean, seriously.) Ok, her name in the show is Meredith. All you Grey watchers, does she get around a lot in the show? Is she the missing cast member from Sex and the City? Is she a recurring guest star in Desparate Housewives? What's her deal?
I guess it's fitting that she ends up with a guy named McDreamy. So did he name himself that? or is that her pet name for the guy? It's such a made for TV name. It's just a step down from Ben Dover. But I can't make fun. My favorite show Heroes has a character named Hiro...
Which brings me to my next point. Tonight is the last episode of Heroes. Indefinitely until the strike is over. I am so saddened by this. Heroes is one of the greatest shows I have ever seen. I can believe that there is a strike. I was hoping that my favorite show wouldn't be affected. When will there be a new show after this? Who knows?! But make no mistake, I don't blame the creators of this wonderful show.
I am siding with the Writers Guild of America.
I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And I understand that the general public isn't always going to get the best and most accurate information about the real details of a situation. But I just plain think the writers are right on this one.
Most of you know that I am making plans to enter the profession of acting. Full time as soon as it allows. This sort of situation would affect me. It affects all people in the industry. In my quest to become an actor who makes a living off the craft, I know the concept of residuals. I respect that part of the business.
It's not as easy as just saying to writers to go get a job. I am a firm believer in doing what you are passionate about (even though I currently work at FedEx; but those who know; know that I am miserable). And it's not as easy as just firing the writers who are on strike and then hiring new writers; because then THOSE writers will be paid unfairly also. I say unfairly because SOMEONE is being paid lots of money and increasingly more money as the industry grows through internet and DVDs. So if someone is getting paid; why not everyone who is involved?
I think it's inaccurate to call it greed on the writers part because people are making money off of what they do. Ah, I could go on and on about this. But check out this video.
