We are, we are the saints
We signed our life away
Doesn't matter what you think
We're gonna do it anyway

I know.  I KNOW it's pure cheese but there's something about some of the reality shows that just makes me happy.  Not the Fear Factors or the Wife Swaps or the Bachelors where people are simply making fools of themselves for 15 minutes or a few thousand dollars (not that those don't have their appeal as well).  But the ones where people have to actually compete on a talent or skill; ones where they have to outperform their peers with creativity and wit and maybe a little bit of fool-making. 

These shows not only make me happy, they inspire me.  They make me want to be a more creative, driven person.  They give me hope that people can and do follow their dreams.  Whether it's American Idol, Last Comic Standing, America's Next Top Model or Project Runway I watch with avid attention and root for my favorite (right now I'm leaning toward Jeff Dye on LCS and I have to admit that I'm shamelessly rooting for my fellow Oregonian, Leanne, on Project Runway).  I let myself get caught up in the dramas playing out not only in the challenges and performances but also in the horrid forced-to-live-together house situations.  I make comments to my husband like, "Oh I don't think Tyra is going to like that." or "Wow, Tim isn't usually so MEAN," as if I actually know these people. 

I also turn my tv off after an evening of watching these shows thinking I can sing or tell jokes or sew which is so SO not true that it makes me laugh.  Which makes me happy in and of itself. 

Oh well.  We all must have a guilty pleasure and mine is havarti in a world of swiss.  :). 

*******

I've been away for awhile now
Got me feeling like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

So apparently I was right the first time.  It's definitely the new drug that makes me ill.  I think the reason I felt better yesterday was because I was SOOO sick on Monday that I couldn't hold down food, therefore I didn't take the medicine either.  But yesterday I felt ok so I took the medicine and today I'm sick as a dog again.

But I went to work today and nursed my way through a quarter of a sleeve of saltines and two of those mini cups of Jell-O with minimal vomiting.  Yay me!  Also?  I didn't cry either time I got asked if I was pregnant (I get it, women carrying around a pack of saltines and a bottle of water looking green around the gills portray a certain message).  Double yay!  I did come really close to crying when one of the women at my office came to me and told me that she heard why I was sick and she was thinking good thoughts for me, but I think that's forgivable.  I do stuff like that when I'm NOT on hormones.  (Seriously, you have NO idea how many times I've cried at Kodak commercials and The Lion King). 

So here's my random newsish related question for today.  If scientists could ascertain which tentacle an octopus favors, what would they call it?  They couldn't just call it left-tentacled or right-tentacled.  Would it be primary, secondary, tertiary or octaviary tentacled?  Also?  If a roomful of monkeys sitting in front of typewriters for an infinite amount of time can eventually type out some Shakespeare, how long would it take for octopi to solve the rubik's cube (and how many of the cephalods would be needed)?

*******

I want you to know
That I’m happy for you
I wish nothing but
The best for you both

You would not believe how miserable and sick I am.  Fertility drugs?  Not so fun. 

I'm also increasingly lonely.  Granted, I think a large part of that just has to do with the vast amount of hormones I pump into my body each month.  (You would not believe how moody I am right now - it's embarrassing how often I snap at people or cry at nothing).  Plus, I always get mopey when I'm sick.  But I think a portion of it is this feeling of complete isolation I've had during this process.  No matter how interested people act about it, everyone has an opinion or advice or a comment to make.  But it seems like people aren't so much interested in how this is affecting me as opposed to laying their own assumptions and experiences on top of mine.  And not in a way that makes me feel like, "Oh I've been there and I know how you feel,” more in the way that says, "You think you have it bad?  Let me tell you how it went for me," or worse, the, "If you think this is bad, how do you expect to get through pregnancy and a child?"  The first reminds me of high school when you compete to see whose life is more tragic, the second is just so freaking condescending.  Have all my advice-givers forgotten that once upon a time they were unprepared nonparents as well?  Or do they just assume they're smarter than me in general?   

I think my favorite is the parents who say to me, "Just don't have any.  Save yourself the money and the time.  I'll let you borrow one of mine and you won't even want one anymore.”  The true irony is that the majority of people who have said this to me have multiple children.  I want to scream, "If kids are so bad, why did you choose to have more than one?!"  However I don't.  Because I am FULLY aware that the majority of these people are trying to be funny and warn me in their own way how hard parenting can be. Or maybe they’re uncomfortable with the subject entirely and think a joke will help transition out of the conversation.  Whatever it is, I'm POSITIVE that 99% of the time their comments are meant to be innocuous.  But with how sensitive I already am, I just feel like they think that I’m an irresponsible teenager wanting to play house or else just an incompetent moron.  And while I realize that I have never been a parent and don’t have actual first hand knowledge, I do think that I have an excellent imagination and a well-developed sense of empathy.  I'm fully aware that being a parent is not all fun and games.  I know that children are not fashion accessories or Chia pets.  I know that the process of expanding my family will be difficult at times.  However, I think it will be worthwhile, just like the majority of my advice-givers did at one point. 

I've also now had someone tell me that I shouldn't be taking fertility drugs at all, because obviously I wasn't meant to have children if I can't do it naturally.  Wow.  Because women who have to take drugs to force their bodies to do what should be doing completely naturally don't already have enough insecurities about why.  We don't already wonder if it's some sort of cosmic punishment or if it makes us less of a woman. 

There are a handful of people who are truly sympathetic and understanding but even then I feel isolated in the fact that no one else has been there to know what I’m going through.  I know, I just complained that people weren’t sympathetic and didn’t accept my own empathy of their situation and now I’m doing the exact same thing.  I’m unreasonable, I know.  Just like it was unreasonable to cry when my friend told me someone broke into her car last weekend or to bite my husband’s head off for not calling me on his lunch break or when I burst into tears because my dog puked on the floor today.  I’m aware of the unreasonableness I just can’t seem to make it go away.

Maybe that's it.  Maybe I'm just full of unreasonable-making hormones and people are busy during summer so I feel a little lonely.  Maybe I'm just insecure beyond belief.  Either way, I’m sorry for the sad diatribe.  I have been home (alone) puking up my toenails all day and the melancholy seems to have truly set in.  Maybe I’m not strong enough to get through this process. 

*******