A YEAR THAT STARTED BY ACCIDENT:
It's been one year since I returned to IHOP. I wasn't planning on
returning a year ago. I wasn't planning on returning ever, actually--
not to IHOP, not to God. I was determined to find my way apart from
the so-called Lover Of My Soul. I wanted Adventure and Peace, all at
once. But I didn't trust God. I was too busy wanting to Be God.
Kansas City was just a dot on the map, one of many places marked on my
prodigal itinerary. It was the first stop, actually. And it turned
out to be the last.
I cried a lot my first week back here. It wasn't just the end of my
short-lived wanderlust, or the end of my Summer of Darkness; it was the
end of five excruciatingly long years of torment and doubt and
Ever-Delayed Dawn. It was a coming out of the Land of Hope Deferred
and Questions Unanswered.
(With all my capitalization, can you tell I've been Musing with Winnie-the-Pooh lately?)
Jesus won my heart over, after I'd told Him ("for the last time now,
and I really mean it") that I would never trust Him with it again. I
still don't know how or why. Sure, there were truths spoken and even
supernatural encounters, but these had happened before. Such had never
convinced me to faithfulness before. I was still the wounded harlot,
wincing from and questioning the very Love (the only Love) that would
bring my healing.
But somehow this time was the tipping point. This time I dared to stay
at His feet, even when demons and my own heart begged me to do
otherwise. And, apparently, I held on past the point of no return.
I've been ruined. I've been healed.
Well, of course it's still a process, but you know what I mean.
The thoughts, the frustrations, the accusations still hound me at
times. Sometimes I almost have myself convinced, "See? Once again it
was only temporary. Here comes the Darkness again. Where is God now?
Why don't you just curse Him and die?"
And sometimes I start to believe it. Sometimes I'll mope for several
minutes, hours, or even days. But, in the end, I snap out of it. I
refuse to lay down and take it.
There's Fight in my spirit now, where none was before.
I ask for lots and lots of Grace. I have no power of my own to win, to
stay faithful, to love. But that's okay, because it's easy for Him and
He's more than willing to help me. We've got this system going and it
works out great: I ask for Grace, and He gives it.
WHAT I'VE GAINED:
Boldness. Boldness is probably the biggest thing I've gained this
year, with all it's synonyms: confidence, initiative, determination,
persistence, faith.
I've taken on tasks that were intimidating to say the least, things
like leadership or mixing a 48-channel analog sound board... and with
no prior experience for either of those positions. In the end, I
learned to thrive with such challenges. But such are more pragmatic
examples. Of course this has transferred to life's intangibles as
well. In pursuing my relationship with God, in pursuing meekness...
And, actually, meekness is the other big one, next to boldness. I
know, that may seem like a contradiction, but it really isn't.
Meekness is the safeguard against "boldness" being nothing more than
the expression of pride through impatience and anger. And boldness is
the safeguard against "meekness" being nothing more that pride ("false
humility") expressing itself through fear and insecurity.
I know better who I am now-- where I came from and where I am going. I
know my rights. I know my inheritance. I know my position.
And I'm learning (slowly...) that it is my joy not to demand these, but to instead choose to lay them down for the sake of love.
It is so Happy to Love.
MEEKNESS TOWARDS GOD, TOO (as if I have any right to demand "my rights" from Him anyway, BUT...)
As much as I'm gaining ground and growing in so many ways, I still
wrestle with impatience on this journey at times. Let's just be
brutally honest: IHOP is boring. I want to go places and do stuff, you
know? Missions is still very much on my heart, for one thing. And,
for another, I just really enjoy traveling and have a thirst for
adventure.
Sure, there are encounters with God in prayer. Those are not boring.
And there's all that I'm learning about love and about myself by living
in such community (the only greater [read: more difficult] sanctifier
is marriage, according to Allen Hood). These chances to grow are not
boring. But, I could still have either of these anywhere else.
There's nothing all that special about IHOP for me to have such
experiences.
So, why stay? Obedience. Love. Submission. All one in the same.
It's so easy for us missionary types to put our desires and vision and thirst for adventure before God.
"But, God," I plead tensely, "shouldn't I be doing something??"
His answer?
"Wait."
Sigh. I don't like that answer. But I like Him, so I sit tight (and, admittedly, sulk a little bit).
No, I don't think I'll be here forever. But, when I do leave, I don't
want my departure to be accompanied by even a hint of bitterness or
impatience. There's obedience, and then there's obedience all the way
down to the heart level, where a wonderful transformation takes place
by the power of the Holy Spirit. When the time comes when the Lord
does call me out, I want Him to find my heart free and to have a track
record of meekness and joyful obedience in my relationship with Him.
Even if that means "wasting my time here" for a little while longer.
One big thing I've learned lately: The sooner you embrace the
circumstances you find yourself in (instead of wishing things were
somehow different), the sooner you can learn from them. No season in
life lasts forever, so get as much out of each season as it comes.
