saying and doing something pt. 2...

Before i continue on, i wrote this earlier today but by somekind of misfortune or small miracle, my computer froze. I suppose i have rephrase what i wrote or make it straight to the point. The last one was winding and had too much to focus on.

     After writing, " Returning Home" i became such an emotional mess. I didnt' think it would have made an impact on me and the other parties involved. So i spent the night driving out my sorrow and frustration. Which later led to a  phone call of desperation and insanity.

I was scared to lose my "Home" but instead i gave up my faith and hope in everything else.  I was desperate to save an amazing love, beautiful, and mind blowing love that i think it was going to destroy the amazing, beautiful, and mind blowing friendship. I think it has given it a dent. In my despair, I made so many promises and wished for last week to happen again. A voice said, " You always say things but you don't do them."  Its true.

Sometimes we tell ourselves, I will go on diet,  I will stop smoking, I will call my ex and hang out with her, and  I will give up on love or feeling to make things right..or make things feel right. As i hung up the phone, i realize i had to suck it up. I had to move on ..let go and realize life is amazing, beautiful, and mind blowing. 

I went to airport with Masa to drop Jeong off. It was nice to have human contact.  We bid her another safe trip and hugged our sweet " fat bitch" and headed off to kmart to indulge in some cd shopping. It was my dear friend Masa's birthday and we indulged in an array of different music. I found Coldplay's X&Y.  The song, "Fix You" has always drawned me.

That night, "Fix You" brought me to sleep- and woke me up at 11:30. I told myself , " It was a beautiful day and counted my blessings" I was going to make it a beautiful day despite the rain.  It was time to let go ... bid farewell to all the memories that bound me and say goodbye to my supposed "happy ending" and crumbled " wonderwall". I bought three balloons- one heart shaped, two circle ones and a card at the shop at the mall.

It was a coincidence I saw Crystal. She has always been a pillar of strength and I hugged her and told her i was in a hurry. I later called her and told her how important she was because she was leaving to the states for GOOD. I told her not to dwell in the past and realize she is happy now. A lesson i need to take to consideration myself.

I drove to the point. I wrote short message in hopes that i could trade this for something better. I would give up something that matter so much to me and hopefully get something better in the end. I think I did. I was reintroduce to Hope and Faith. I would find love again and I hopefully it would as or even more amazing, beautiful , and mind blowing as the last.

The song on my cd player was set to "Fix you". It echoed out  as the balloons ascended into the sky...the raining sky and as i became drenched.

/lights will guide you home/ it will ignite you bones/ i will try...../ to fix you/

I watched as the two round balloons carried the heart. It seemed like it gave up like mine but the two elevated it to the heavens taking my wishes. Tears ran down my face one last time and i said "goodbye" and i meant it. 

Returning home.

 I remember writing about lost keys and friendships. I remember writing about losing something in order to be found. Sometimes they just return to you. They come back not exactly what you had but they come back. I lost my keys and this cool key holder. My best friend gave me his early this summer. So i got it back- the holder and the friendship i thought i lost.

Today, Jeong came in this morning. Masa and I picked her up. She was refreshed from her HongKong Trip. We had breakfast. She says," She can tell if something is wrong, if something fishy is going on" . But this nosey girl likes to read text messages on other people's cell phone so that doensn't make her clairvoyant or anything.  She looked at me and said, " whats wrong, Brother?"  I told her things are fine. I hope she doesn't notice the small details, the little changes  that will or has taken effect in recent days.

On our way to pick her up, I know i'm so rewinding, but we had to past this lookout. It was like  4 50 in the morining. The lights were still sparkling, the stars lit, and the SPOT was clear. Sitting in the passenger seat of  Masa's Beamer, I stared into that space that once melted my heart, elevated a love, and put butterflies in my stomach. I felt nothing. I was hoping for that hairs on my neck to stand. At the time, I has numb. Right now, as i write, I have this hollow feeling in my heart and i want to feel.  I want to cry but i think i'm all out of tears.

I have return to the place where it might have began. These places should spark an emotion. Everwhere i went today was reminder of a good memory. I think returning to these places....going back into memory makes it harder to let go but it something that must be done.

*returnign to Masa's passenger seat, I sat there staring. The music was playing loudly and what coincidence to what song was playing.  It was James Blunt's "Goodbye my lover". It went by fast so and we rushed to pick up Jeong.

After waiting for like 45 minutes, Jeong finally walked out through the gates. We waited for the rain to pass and then packed her things into Masa's car. I asked Masa to play that song once again. It did. Jeong tried to kill my mood by talking jibberish again. Her accent echoed from the backseat. I reached from the passenger side and grabbed her hand. She held tight. I think i was going to be alright.

/goood bye my lover/good bye my friend / You have been the one/ You have been the one for me/

I returned into the arms that once comforted me. I returned to the eyes that stared at me hoping to fix me..save me. I returned to all the kisses with my eyes closed so tightly.

Then i opened my eyes and realize it wasn't gone. I haven't lost everything . One place that i returned to for comfort was long deserted road in Nimitz. There someone who i called , " my home"  made the walls easier to lean on.

I didn't lose my way. I haven't lost everything. I had returned  "HOME".

just like that...

 I LOST EVERYTHING....

 /someday we'll know/ why you weren't meant for me/

Everything...

I've been stressing about changing. I've been trying to get the serenity to accept what i cannot change and the courage to change the things i can.... you know the drill.

All has been done in the pursuit of happiness or what would make me "happy". Actually, all is being done to have everything. CAN WE HAVE EVERYTHING???

Can we have the dream, the love of our lives, and success? Would having everything make you happy? I used to believe that a person's passion could elevate them to do great things.. have great things...be great things. I used to think that if  i had something else, was somebody else, or just getting that pat on my back for my efforts would make me happy. Perhaps the promotion or job recognition would finally make me satisfied with my life.

Those things haven't happened. And FINALLY , I understand. The irony! Someone trying to have everything...Get everything in pursuit of happiness is finally satisfied at failure. I didn't get the promotion, I didn't get a trip to Paris, I didn't pursue my degree. 

What is everything? Everything is what i have. What i have is what I need. Distinguishing the wants in life and the needs help you understand the true meaning of everything.

I 've had everything. I have everything....

spots.

Can a leopard change their spots? 

Can  a person change what they've always known? Change what  made them, THEM? 

An important person once told me, " One at a time." So one at a time, the spots will disappear. It will take awhile because this leopard has soo many coarse and dark spots. Never the less, they'll be erasing.

" Think of  happy thought" a child hood icon said to make children believe they will fly. I'll will think of the things that i have to make me forget the things i can't have. Right now i have nothing and everything all at once*