I've haven't written in this in forever. I think really because I didn't want to have to change anything. It was like a freeze frame of my past. I guess it was the last thing I was holding on to before completely letting go. This year I don't know what God will bring to me. I'm trying so hard to be the person I know he wants me to be. However, there seems to be so much more people weighing me down. Circumstances just put in front of me so I'll fail. I can't be apart of that anymore though. I'm sorry.

its hard to believe
we aren't those kids anymore
almost as hard as it is to believe
we ever were

Wow, thats all I know to say. The point I'm at in my life and the way everything is going is NEVER what I thought it'd be right now. I never thought things would end up like this. I guess life never really asks you what you want though, it just unfolds the way its supposed to.

I'm praying for strength through the difficult times but also through the joyous times because sometimes we don't mess up so much when things aren't going well but when everything is perfectly alright. That's when temptation comes in.

I sit here as tears fall down my face and am lost in what to do. For the last month I've gone back and forth on what I should do about my life next year. My best friend and boyfriend are leaving.

Is this what being alone feels like?

It must be becasue as I sit here all alone I feel completly abandon and lost. Every last person has walked out. I don't know what to think, how to feel, or what to do. Am I selfish for not wanting them to leave?

My heart is broken and this is where I hear Jesus saying when everyone else walks out, when everyone else shuts the door, when everyone else wont listen I WILL BE THERE. I will walk in, I will open the door when you knock, I will listen and listen. Why God do you feel so far away when I need you to be close to me?

lost

confused

hurt

dying?

If you were to ask me how these last two weeks have been I would laugh with a sigh. In a moment I glance back at all the things that have occurred in the past couple of weeks and can't even comprehend how I've made it this far. I've cried for nights over and over again.

*My boyfriend might be leaving to play prep-school hockey and while I want to be supportive it's hard (Pray he makes the team here)

*My best friend told me she was moving and leaving schools we will see how that one unfolds but I would miss her with my whole heart.

{These two people are the two people that hold me together on the days I think life sucks, they are my happiness, my pure fun, my excitement, my emotions, they are my heart imagine losing all of that}

*My grandpa's sick in the hospital

*I'm on my 4th Chemistry teacher (grades are dropping)

*Fighting with my sister everyday on the way to school and on the way back

*Have had soo much hw/papers

Today I draw the line. I will not let all these bad things overcome me, instead I will rejoice and thank God for all the things he has done thus far and for all the things I know he will do.

I've come to realize and understand you can't make someone want something you want; you can't make someone believe what you believe; and you sure as hell can't make someone think what you think bottom line.

I think sometimes I look at people and want to scream my lungs out. Do you not see what you have? What you got?

Throw everything away. Not because I want you to but because that's what YOUR choosing to do.