I just got back from visiting my sister in Indiana. It was one of the best weeks ever, but on one of the first nights I was feeling really, really sick. Jessie and Mike were already asleep and I was on the floor of the bathroom for I don't know how long, totally immobile. I've never felt so sick in my whole life. Especially without actually throwing up. I was just lying there, eyes closed, telling myself over and over and over again. "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine..." And for the most part, that worked okay. But when I started to feel like I really wasn’t okay any more, I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter and pictured Josh, my boyfriend, next to me, holding me, looking into my eyes. And that was enough. The worst was over and I was able to go back to my internal "I'm fine" chants until the worst came again. Even though he wasn't there, just being in my life was enough. He helped me through it. Because when he looks into my eyes like that I just feel so...safe. Like nothing could ever hurt me.

But its just an illusion.

I told myself the next morning, once I was feeling, for the most past, back to my normal self, that when I got back to California I was finally going to tell Josh how I feel. Say those three scary words that shouldn't be scary at all. That's was makes it all the more horrible.

I was never safe with him. I was free falling and he was able to make me feel like I was flying. But no matter how it feels, when you're falling sooner or later your face is gonna smash into that pavement and then you're not gonna feel anything at all.

He doesn't love me.

He never has.

He's taking a few days to think things over. Try and work things out. Figure it all out before he makes a decision. But what can he possible figure out that will make the situation any different?

I have a decision to make, too.

He broke up with me once before, for the same reason. I cried harder then I have ever cried before. I didn’t think I would ever hurt as much as I did that night. Then we got back together and worked through it and as soon as we start to be okay again, as soon as I start feeling safe again, it happens again. Or will. Soon. Probably. I didn’t cry much but it feels so much worse. Like the pavement is coming up fast and I’m bracing myself for the crash, knowing that once it comes, my world will be blown to pieces. Nothing will ever be the same again. I won’t ever feel the same again.

I won't feel again.

I know that's not true. That I'll get over it eventually. But for a while...

For a long while it's going to be hard. He's my dream guy, the guy I've always pictured myself with since I was in the third grade. Every aspect of him, his personality, his tastes, everything is that guy. The guy that, even before he had a face, I pictured myself being happy with forever. I always just assumed he would love me back.

I was playing the Sims a while back and I made little Josh and Rachel Sims that went to college and got engaged. I was really looking foreword to making those little guys get married and to see what cute kids they were going to have. Not that I really want to marry Josh or anything. It was just a nice thought. A fun game.

Forgive the Buffy reference here. Apparently that's all my life is. But I'm totally Anya. Ignorant and naive and...new. And totally in love with the one guy that can't commit. That won't commit but still wants to be with me. We watched the episode of Buffy where Xander leaves Anya and he took Xander's side.

I should have seen it coming.

I'm an idiot.

A fool in love.

Just another cliché.

To sum me up in one sentence: I am an independent, creative, 19-year-old drivers-license-less community college student.

I am going to school to get my general education out of the way so that I can eventually go on to film school. First and foremost, I want to write, but I've found that I am also in love with cinematography, directing, editing, and pretty much every other aspect of filmmaking that I've played around with so far. I love TV because of the immense character development, mythologies, and even simple continuity time lines that go into them. My dream is to one day create my own TV show. Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, and the upcoming The Doll House, is my role model in that regard. I secretly wish I could live in Sunnydale and take Willow's place when she goes crazy again, cause we all know she will. Or maybe I would just find Oz and heal his poor broken heart. Ha. Anyway, my favorite shows on-air right now are Pushing Daisies, How I Met Your Mother, Lost, and my semi-guilty pleasure, Desperate Housewives. If I could write even just one episode for any of those shows, it would make my life.

I like to take corny clichés and reinvent them. For example, "the fullness of a glass is irrelevant in a world of free refills," or "when life hands you lemons, you can squeeze all you want but all you have is lemon juice until life gives you something to sweeten the deal." It's pretty lame.

My favorite band is a local Sacramento Star Trek parody band called Warp 11. They sing kind of raunchy, very explicit songs about sex, sci-fi, and rock n' roll. A massive power blast, some say. I've become semi-friends with the lead singer Captain Karl Miller and the keyboardist/vocalist/dancer Chief Science Officer Kiki Stockhammer. We exchange e-mails every now and then, and if you look really hard you can see me, my dad, and my best friend Tommy in the background of the music video to their song “She Make It So.” They invited me on stage once at a massive concert in the park in downtown Sacramento. I've even been to their house. Twice.

Many things creep me out, among them: squirrels, the Downy Soft Bear, and any child that has ever been on the X-Files. Ironically, I love horror movies. But one thing I love even more is horrible horror movies, like Motor Home Massacre, Camp Slaughter, and the Japanese zombie film Stacy. I also have high hopes for the 2008 release Frat House Massacre. My mom once asked if these movies have their own genre. Like, by their very horrible/hilarious nature they can't really rightfully be called horror movies. And then you get some that are just so bad they have to be trying to make it funny, right? But you just can't quite tell. Horror, comedy, who knows? So, I think she's right. They should have their own genre. I’ll work on that.

I can't play any video game that gives me a gun, not from any moral objections, but simply because any time that I'm put into a position where I have to use it, I have a minor heart attack. The only exception is the classic Tomb Raider games but I mostly just like locking the butler in the freezer.

I've been working at Starbucks since mid-October. I love it so much, but I am totally addicted to coffee now. It's not even funny. Did you know some people are so addicted to caffeine that they actually sniff caffeine powder? Or that Balzac, the19th century French novelist, drank over 40 cups of coffee a day and died of an overdose at 51? Or that if you drink 100 cups of coffee in one day you'll probably die of an overdose? Crazy stuff. They oughta teach us that in training.

I have dyed my hair pretty much every shade of every color imaginable except for blonde. I first dyed my hair the summer before seventh grade - red was my choice. I went to a private school so I could only do the fun colors over the summer - purple, blue, green, you name it. I once had about five outrageous colors at once and I went to Paramount Studios in Hollywood with my family, and Wolverine said he liked me hair. I really want to do blue streaks with my natural brown hair, but as long as I work at Starbucks, it's strictly o-natural.

I am repulsed by feet. I never wear sandals or open toed shoes. Once, in fourth grade, for my school's semiannual musical, we had to wear sandals because we were supposed to look like we were in Biblical times, and I almost cried because I wasn't allowed to keep my socks on.

I hate - HATE - burping. It's disgusting. Especially loud burping. Ugh. Disgusting. I also hate Guitar Hero. If you spent that much time with a real instrument, you'd probably be a real rock god. And don't get me wrong, I'm not a video game hating freak. If it has a story and all that, I think it's an amazing form of entertainment - interactive movies, if you will. I love it. And then there are games like DDR - you probably should just go out and learn to dance for real, but at least you're getting exercise so it's not a total waste of time. I can even get behind racing games. It's some nice healthy competition with yourself or friends, and after a few days, you get bored. Move on. But with guitar hero, you gotta keep playing the same songs over and over and over again, mastering the songs, being the best you can be at something that doesn't matter. It's a waste of time. It drives me crazy.

Another things I hate: driving. I really, really hate driving. I even get a little uncomfortable in the passenger seat of a vehicle from time to time, but obviously I can't really get out of that. My worst fear since I was a kid is of getting into a car accident. I've always had an inkling that my death will somehow be related to a car. You always hear of young people going to school. Good kids, their whole lives ahead of them. Real potential, you now? Lots of dreams. And then BAM. They're walking to school one day and a car swerves away from a raccoon. The kid's killed on impact. Or they're driving home one night and a drunk driver impales their car. They die on the way to the hospital. Their life, their potential, their dreams, all snuffed out in an instant because of some rodent or one too many beers or just some stupid jackass driving too fast on rainy night. I've always had a feeling that that kid's gonna be me some day. I guess that's why I've always believed in living for the now. No time like the present, right? That's one cliché that I don't feel the need to change. (Lame.) I have a long list of things I want to do before I die and I try to be spontaneous and never waste time. I want to get as much out of my life as possible. Whether I die tomorrow or live till I'm a hundred and twenty-seven, life will always be cut too short.

Anyway, I guess that's really all you need to know.