The long road on I-90

well, I am here in the Black Hills and I enjoy being back here at AMR.

I have to confess it was a petty emotional ride out here. I love camp, but this year it was extremely hard to leave home for some reason. I feel I am at a pretty huge cross road section of my life at the moment, yet everything is sort of at a stand still. My whole heart is not yet at camp. I keep having doubts and questions as to why I am here, but then I have those times where I really realize why I am here, why I am a counselor at the Fort.

I cried a lot as I made the long trip on I-90. I cried because it was hard to leave my family and the familiarity of my home. I realized that I have only spend about the equivilant of around 5-6 weeks at home all year? I love seeing my family, but I also love to be on my own. Only, when you don't spend the time at home the way you want to, it becomes saddening. I love my parents. I wish I could have quality time with my parents, but why does that quality time come when I'm leaving? Perhaps I just wish I could show them the affirmation of my love more?

I also realized that the support and stability of Andy at Concordia won't exist next year. Last year was an intense year. I work a little too hard when it comes to school, but I realize that to reach for my dreams, I have to be able to work toward them. Andy was my buffer and the only person I could connect to on the deepest level at Concordia. Now, I feel like that is ripped away a bit. Phone just isn't the same, but I am happy I at least have that. I love my friends at Concordia - they are amazing, but there are some things that I can never really talk about with most of them. A lot of fun to hang out with, but really hard to connect with on some deeper levels.

Perhaps you have experienced this?

Anyway I-90 was a big, long tear filled prayer in my heart about fears, wishes, loneliness, and dreams. It was theraputic, but also unnerving. . . . .My prayer is that this summer I learn some huge things, but as of now I am exhausted.

I hope you are all doing amazing and your summers are going well.

Love, Rach

[1] O sing to the LORD a new song;

           sing to the LORD, all the earth.

[2] Sing to the LORD, bless his name;

           tell of his salvation from day to day.

[3] Declare his glory among the nations,

           his marvelous works among all the

                   peoples.

[4] For great is the LORD, and greatly to be

                   praised;

           he is to be revered above all gods.

                    ~ Psalm 96: 1-4

I love days that are a bit gray and wet, but I love them most because I can revert back into my shell and ponder more somber thoughts. These days never give me energy in the sense of tackling big projects or being motivated, but they do give me engergy to reflect and ponder different parts of me or things I read or experience. I'm a deep thinker that can sometimes get lost in very intense thoughts or ideas about things I read, experiences I come into, and issues that come up in life. I ponder and am quiet -- many people ask me if I'm ok, or if they know me well, they realize I'm just in one of my "moods."

This verse does not feel like a rainy, gray day. This verse feels like the opposite, but today was the day I curled up in  fleece blanket and opened up to the psalms (I love the psalms) and what do you know -- I was lead to Psalm 96. I wasn't really feeling it, But I liked it. Andy told me that in class they were talking about Lewis's belief that God is the only source of whole, forever lasting happiness. I truly believe that. To be happy doesn't mean to be all out insanely vibrent and audatious. I truly believe happiness is being content and settled within that contentment.

The dictionary definition defines "happiness as" good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy. I feel that too many people emphasize the 'good fortune & pleasure' a little too much in a materialistic way. Perhaps Lewis is talking about true, lasting happiness coming from God because it's the peace and joy - its the contentment that you may not have everything you want, need, etc., but you can still be happy and find that happiness in the most beaufiful places.

I find it in the mornings when I curl up with my fleece blanket on my futon and read my Bible, I find it in the gray, somber days and the vibrant, green days. Happiness shouldn't be conditional, but constant.

Where do you find your happiness?

[1] O LORD, my heart is not lifted up,

          my eyes are not raised too high;

      I do not occupy myself with things

         too great and too marvelous for me.

[2] But I have calmed and quieted my soul,

         like a weaned child with its mother;

         my soul is like the weaned child that

               is with me

[3] O Israel, hope in the LORD

         from this time on and forevermore.

        - Psalm 131

Sometimes there are no words for how great an impact words put on us. . .

Have you ever felt the security in a hug?

When I was little it was climbing up on Grandpa's lap or Grandma's and resting my head on their shoulders. When I was little it was going up to my Mom and asking for a hug. Security was what I wanted. The strength of arms surrounding me and the steady thumping of a heart beat underneath my little ear calmed me. It was a source of strength I could feel and understand inside.

I have recently realized the value I place on a hug. I'm not just saying one quick, "catch you later," but one of a more deep nature. The value of a hug is reached for in emotion and security. Have you hugged a significant other before? A friend? A parent? A relative? Have you been surrounded in the tightest, tenderest hug? Andy, one of the biggest gifts in my life, gives amazing hugs. I tend to bury my head in his shoulder and listen to his heart beat. It's my favorite thing to do sometimes.

It reminds me of when I was a little girl -- the feelings of security and deep love for someone.

This whole journal is based upon a Bible verse I found recently:

“Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him,

             for he shields him all day long

             and the one the LORD loves rests

                    between his shoulders.”

                                        - Deuteronomy 33:12

How much more loving and intimate can the Lord be? In my mind, there is nothing like showing security as resting your head between two strong shoulders. The writer of this deuteronomy text has my support in this annalogy. This verse just makes me want to curl up and revel in the security that is granted to me - the support of the strongest shoulders and heart beat around.

May God Bless!

By the rivers of Babylon

Where we sat down

Hey! Hey! we wept

When we remembered Zion

Let the wicked carry us away

Captivity

Requiring of us a song

How shall we sing the Lord’s song

In a strange land

Let the words of our mouths

And the meditations of our hearts

Be acceptable in God’s sight

Here to tonight

By the rivers of Babylon

Where we sat down

Hey! Hey! we wept

When we remembered Zion

Always dear to my heart. Jonathan and JB^2 - I miss you with all my heart.

If you want a song that makes your insides as well as your outsides weap -- here it is. Simple, yet deep.