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Alright... $100 down... $2300 to go
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Yes, I am back. It took what, almost two years to get my xanga back. It worked; and the story will continue.
~Jah Blessings and Love
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Name: Fool To Think
Artist: Dave Matthews Band
Album: Everyday
Song lyrics
"Look at me dreaming of you
All I could hope is to have you
To have you walking with me
Laughing so in love, we two
Almost drunkenly
I did imbibe of this
Fantasy of you only, hold me…
Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I fool to think at all?
I've grown tired of love
You are the trouble with me
I watch you walk right by
I smile, you do not notice me
Treat me recklessly
All you do is toss me pennies
But the silence in me is screaming
Won't you come and get me?
Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?
Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?
You make a mess of me
I'd dance a thousand steps for you
If you say yes to me
I'll be whatever gets you through
You make a mess of me here (was I a fool?)
I'd dance a thousand steps for you (was I a fool?)
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think?
Am I a fool, am I a fool for you?"
Yes, I am.
With night that are filled with nightmares and bad dreams; days that are filled with regrets and wishes, life is just so hard. I dream the dreams of a man whose life is going the way he wants, no mistakes are made and things that just keep on going correct. My life, sadly, is the life of a person who asks to much of other people, pushes to hard for what he wants until they are gone, and lies awake at night completely aware of all the mistakes made; past and present, but not aware of how to do anything about it.
Did I come home for the right reasons, should I just have stayed back in Chicago? Would my life be best lived if someone else was in control? Do I fear sleeping so much that I try not to?
I had a dream last night, it played out just like a movie: I was talking to Liz on the phone and she was happy and I was happy. We were making plans to go and see “The Omen” at night together and it was great. I woke up, feeling worse then I did before I went to sleep. Sadly that is not how it plays out, I pushed to hard for something (keep it clean you dirty thinkers) and yeah, kind of blew up in my face, and I fear that I can’t change it or do anything to correct it. Nothing else is needed to be said because it is my problem and I… yeah.
The night before I had a dream that I met a person at the festival that I had been talking to online and we became friends. Again I woke up to the realization that that will not happen and probably never will. Again my own fault because I ask for to much instead of excepting things how they are for face value. Again my insecurities do not allow for such a positive way of thinking.
Maybe coming home was a mistake; maybe I should have stayed in Chicago. That would have been easier, to just keep pushing on with my life and just focus on doing things to possibly make a future, but when I look into the future I see to far and see my Hell waiting and growing larger with each day that passes by, each tick of the clock. My Hell is formed by my selfishness, my wanting to please myself before putting others in front of my own needs. This post, most of then, are examples of this. Wanting so much from people to help me, instead of helping myself, “I am a waste of the flesh on my bones, I am a waste of the air in my lungs”. Very wise people once said that the worst kind of hate a person can have, is the hate for themselves; if this statement is correct, then I am the worst person that there is. I have physically accepted myself, but mentally I have not. I mean yes I do wish to be a little bit smaller in width physically but I mean that is not uncommon. I wish to be better off mentally.
Is it wrong to want to be with someone so bad, if not is it wrong then to be with them to forget about ones self? When others are around I don’t focus on myself I think about the other person. But why, I make them happy and that makes me happy? That doesn’t make sense. I wish I could be struck down by God right now to have the answers I seek, but instead I live on. Day in and day out, always asking questions and pushing for an answer that some can’t give, and some that don’t know how to say it.
What do I do, I want to be friends but I end up just pushing the person away more. I feel awkward calling and I feel out of place texting the person. I like to hang out, but at the same time I get disappointed when it doesn’t go right (for me). I have gotten over the anger part, but I still feel strongly and want to spend time, but I never have the opportunity or the means to have anything done about it. Am I just wrong in wanting to hang out, or am I out of place trying to add something to my life and possibly the other person of which I speak. Maybe I should just give up and quit while I am a head and move on, but I can’t. I want to do this and I want to spend some time with the other person, hang out, movies, friends, ETC. But nothing ever works. I don’t know.
Maybe I am a fool at life; maybe I am just not cut out for the role that has been dealt to me. Does anyone know the role that God has written to them? I would like to know the answers, but know at the same time I will not get them and asking for them only causes problems.
Recently I have gotten in a fight with a friend, Paige, and am lost as to what I am supposed to do. I feel conflicted, the friendship is very important, but yet at the same time I know that in the long run fighting is also useless because life is so short, a blink of the eye from Jah above, if that and it is all over. I want to work it out, but don’t know how to go about doing anything to resolve what is going on. I feel lost at that also. Tonight I will probably dream that things are fine, that we are hanging out, laughing and enjoying the friendship that we have had for a while, and I will wake up knowing that that is not the case at the moment, depressing me even more.
I want to hang out with friends; I want to be with the people that I care about (some more then others, hopefully she knows I am referring to her (and it isn’t Paige at the moment)). I don’t know, just to many questions with no answers and a feeling that I have lost the battle of life with myself.
On a smaller note, my Xanga has been hacked and I have no way of changing the background, the tag lines or anything like that. However my laptop is storing the cookies that allow me to kind of be logged in so I can post entries and mess around with contact information. But, I cannot change anything because it is asking me again for a login password and I don’t know what it is. If anyone has an idea of contacting Xanga (I have been trying for more then a week now) then please let me know how. Krakan@msn.com.
This has been added also, so yeah:
Leave your name and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my favorite memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours.
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I am home now. It feels nice to be in my own house, to be in my own room. I can't believe that it took me so long to come back here. I am going back to Chicago on Friday morning to say goodbye to some friends and work through Saturday. I went out to Grand Haven and went out on the pier. I didn't get far because I had to go back for Brittany and Kyle, but it was still a fun time. There was so much lightning it was amazing. There were several moments where it was bright as day and then night again, just amazing. I don't know what I will do Wednesday or Thursday after I talk with the manager over at CompUSA on 28th street. After Saturday night I will be home for the rest of summer, to be with friends, to be with family, to rebuild myself. I need that.
I hope that I can hang out with Liz while I am in town this time, that would be nice.
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It is a long drive from Grand Rapids to Chicago. There is nothing that can describe the feeling, knowing that I am leaving everyone that I care so deeply for. It makes me feel alone, it makes me feel empty, and it makes me feel worth nothing. I came into work and felt physically sick; I almost threw up. I called home and started crying, I haven’t cried because of missing home sense I moved down here in the first place. I started thinking; thinking is a bad thing. The trip out to see the stars, the trip out to see the storm, staying home for a few days, are these all signs of myself just giving up. Right now I just feel so empty, I don’t know how I made it through the day at work. I saw a bug when I brought my stuff into the house and I felt just like him, so small and insignificant. If someone stepped on him they would laugh and not think twice about it. I feel like, I feel like if I were to die… it wouldn’t mean anything to anyone, it would cause a laugh and then I would just be brushed off and forgotten. I often feel like that, I always feel like I don’t matter and that I am un-important. I feel like a bad person; I have seen into my own future and I see hell, the eternal burning flames of un-imaginable torture waiting for me. I have seen into myself and I am filled with a sense of dread and disgust. I see everything that I wish I wasn’t… and I think back and there was never a time where I really did like myself on the inside. My honesty with people drives them away, and my openness and affection freak others out. Being myself causes me to be alone and denying who I am makes my life even worse. I find no peace in knowing that I am my own person because I feel that no one likes this person, this entity that is myself. I try to bond with others and feel like I fail miserably, I try and form a connection with people and it feels like a joke. I am taking the summer term off from school; I am being transferred from my work to the one out on 28th street until the fall. I have taken the second step in letting my dreams go, I have taken another movement in setting myself back in a hole that I might not be able to climb out of.
I feel alone, I feel so lost in a sea of people that I am forgotten and lost in a sea of faces. I feel that in no ones mind do I stick out as a person that they would want to be around; if no one wants to be around me, then why must I be around myself. I don’t know if what I feel or hope to feel is true, I feel like I am forcing something on people that they do not want and that it is driving them away. I have said it before, and shall say it again. I hate myself as a person.
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