Raynettetasha's Xanga

I hate boys

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 05:03:23 GMT

I hate dating with the ego's, miscommunication, awkward moments, the status, the "talk", ALL that crap is stuff I wish I didn't have to be apart of. But then again I want a love, and the only way to get to a love is by dating. So I'm stuck doing what slowly kills me inside. I tried thinking about what I could do to make it better, but I came up with nothing. I'm stuck dating and hating it till I do meet that love.

I also notice that when I do date, one person is always giving more then the other. I am taught from past relationships that if I am giving more it's because that person is just no that interested. So the guys to follow will automatically get statused that there just not that into me because I feel that I am putting more effort then they are. This could be a problem because when I feel that way I pull away

Monday, October 02, 2006

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 00:38:17 GMT

I went to a bar last night withthe new boy. Had a great time :). But then he said something that got under my skin. I wish it didn't but it did. Why is it that guys have a better time getting over something that bothered them then girls. Maybe I'm stereotyping. But for the most part I think it's true. When I'm bothered I'm qutie and I do this so I can figure shit out, to evaluate if it's a big deal or not, if it is a big deal then I would talk about it and if it's not then I will drop it. I think most people , when they see this part of me think that I'm really upset or something. But I'm not (exactly). I'm just figuring shit out in my head.

all is well with a little communication

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 16:19:15 GMT

Well I talked to the new boy, and it's interesting cause he emphasized how important that is, which it is. I am clear on what we are and what could possibly happen. (But I'm not crossing my fingers)

On to more interesting subjects, this stupid little bug keeps flying next to me, it's quite annoying.

I had my first test since I returned to school , in an "actual class". ( my theater ones, don't count) I think I got a damn C or B- ( I'm crossing my fingers) I waited last minute to read and study. ( Note to self, KEEP UP WITH THE READING). I also realized that my history teacher is HARD CORE. This is the level I think all college professors/ teachers should be teaching at. We get away with so much. Anywho, I am now going to check the closeout( I'm at work, stealing the internet) then go to the gym..... hahaha, I've lost 11 lbs.

I believe only one person checks this page other then me, and that's you. (Stephen) So hello, and thanks for being interested in my non-Sense.

hard lesson.... hopefully learned.

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 19:52:05 GMT

I have come to learn that if your interested in a relationship then you need to take things at a moderate pace when starting to go out with a new person. Since I am looking for a relationship I do admit I am vulnerable and weak. I have read to much into actions executed too early in the relationship. This only leads to more complications a few days later. What can I say my ID took over but now my SUPEREGO is kicking my ass. I feel like an ass, but only because it's my fault. The male has done no wrong but take what I have willingly offered. Ugh..... I hope I have learned my lesson. Now I take a step back and try to make myself compose and cool. It's hard making ones skin thick when deep down I sit and shiver.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 02:24:56 GMT

Life is a movie with many climaxes and not always a happy ending.

I want to meet a great guy. I want to be in love.

added on 9/30

I want to continue working on making me a better person. Boy and love ( they can wait, cause I'm no longer)

Monday, April 17, 2006

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 03:09:58 GMT

i met a boy
he was not coy
i thought he could possibly be my new fav toy.

we talked for a few
and chilled like stew

marinating in our conversating

.... he he he....

Reflection on horoscopes

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 20:19:37 GMT

My horoscope for today:

You go straight to the heart of the matter. You discard all the unnecessary clutter, peel away any obscuring layers and contemplate the thing itself. What do you see? It could surprise you -- maybe what you thought what you were looking at (or for) is something else entirely. It's a possibility, anyhow. And it could turn out that there are still a few layers to penetrate. All in good time, dearie, all in good time.

I am a believer of horoscopes. Sometimes there like words of inspiration/wisdom. If something gives me that, whether or not it's a fact or not, I'm going to take it and learn/ be inspired from it.

If you read your horoscope and you can apply it to a current situation in your life, then there you go. It's advice without even asking for it. It's an objective (semi) point of view.

Sitting here at work

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 21:36:58 GMT

I'm here at work, and I've got bunch to do. But can't do them cause our ticketing system is being fixed and updated so I can't do anything. Funny isn't it. So I'll tell you a story, a true life story, about this past weekend. I went to visit my mom in havesu.

I learned a lot when I was there, about myself and about my family. Funny how that happens. Well this story could be a 500+ page novel with the font size of 5 but I'm just gonna give a little one.

I went to havesu with my Auntie Fran, Auntie Suzette and my good friend Dee.I drove us back home.

-backstory-
Crazy aunt does drugs and is loud and obnoxious.

-Back to story-
I dealed with it the whole weekend. On the way back home I just had enough. I asked her to not yell in my ear while I was driving. Her response was not pleasant, so she just kept being obnoxious and rude. Short story, shorter, I told her to shut the fuck up, we exchanged bad words, she smacked my mouth and tried to choke me while I was driving , I hit her back and bit her hand (that was trying to choke me) so hard there was blood in my mouth and everywhere in my Auntie Frans car.

so now I'm sitting here at work and the cut on my upper lip that stings whenever I eat or drink anything. Damn my crazy auntie.

Some poems and...

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 20:18:40 GMT

1.
Dancing images in my mind fly by with no recolection,
My smiles reach the highest point of no return.
Lingering reflections in my subconscious trickle crudely un-invited.
My current being becomes doubt.
Imaginary dreams compel my soul and drive me.

2.
There is no weight to anything you say or do.
Your words float on by on an open sea.
Your cries are not wet and
your sorries never meet my heart.

3.
Time will tell
if our feelings are real
if our wants are desires
if our hearts can mend
if our love is infatuation
if our words have weight
if we can handle anything
if were meant to be
if our time has passed.

4.
I never know where I'm going.
I have trouble choosing where to begin.
I don't remember how I got here.

5.
Someone to no one

Someone tastes
    no one swallows
someone falls
    no one catches
someone wants
    no one needs
someone looks
    no one sees
someone touches
    no one feels
someone cries
    no one hears
someone talks
    no one hears
someone changed
    no ones changed.

6.
The beat bumps, skips and then repeats a never ending off beat.

From todays trip to work:

7.
I never got the chance to show you my world was right. You tasted a sample but didn't swim in the life.

8.
These boys
they come and go
to hide the pain I feel inside

These boys
they amuse my time
but nothings real like you and I

These boys
there fun
I will not lie
but none of them would stay by my side

These boys
I do give them a try
but none are good enough to stay on this ride.

These boys
I'll let amuse my time
till you are ready
to be with me with pride.

9. (inspired from one of Charles Bukowskis poems)
I can hear my waiting laughter,
    it sounds so sweet and real.
I feel my waiting happiness,
    it feels inviting and warm.
I see my waiting future,
    it looks bright and promising.
I stand here in today,
    and know I've got a long time to wait.

10.
Hey you
you'll do for now
come spoon me in the night

Hey you
you'll do for now
come fuck me just right

Hey you
you'll do for now
come hold me and tell me everythings alright

Hey you
you'll do for now
come talk to me to fill my time

Hey you
you'll do for now
come walk with me on this road

Hey you
you'll do for now
come hurt me until I know

Hey you
you'll do for now
come here
and amuse me.

11.
I notice your backs towords me, but I still see your face, so i'll sit here and wait.

12.
Unspoken words

when will.....
                                     you and I.....
will we.....
                                     if we......
how can.....
                                     we will.....
it'll never happen.
                                     someday.....

13.
love
its shit
it makes you sad
and then you cry
which brings lonliness
to do stupid things
then time passes
those feelings
gone
on to another person.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 23:18:05 GMT

Standing in my isolated threshold
I see no point of return
I back track the journey to my current surroundings and conclude that I am alone.

The walls of my past rise more each day.
I close my eyes and dream them down.
The ignorance of bliss and narrow mindedness flows through my eyes and mind breaking down the walls of my past's future one blink at a time.