| Well what an odd mood I am in tonight. I think this just might be contentment. How strange. Anyway, let's talk about some meaningless stuff. If you get bored just skip down to the second paragraph where there might be something of philosophical interest, but I'm making no promises. Anyway I found out that I can make World of Warcraft work on my comp. I have officially crossed the line into true nerdom and am quite enjoying it here. There's a distinct lack of real girls and an over abundance of pimples but hey, no place on Earth is perfect, and I'm not quite ready to make the jump to the perfect place yet anyway. I'd probably muck it all up. So I just recently realized that I'm a huge Steven King fan. Whodathunkit? I say realized because I was sitting on my couch messing around on Myspace and listening to one of his books and realized that in the past few months I've only read books by him, Simon Green, and Dean Koontz. He isn't quite as morbid or creepy as most people think, or perhaps I just have a different definition of morbid and creepy  . He's got some strange stuff in his books but still, the sheer amount of awesome cool stuff makes up for it in my opinion. Now for the hopefully somewhat philosophical stuff. I'm going to be talking about stuff that's been changing in my own mind so there is a good chance that this will be A. Shallow, or B. mindless drivel. Anyway, I've decided to stop trying to be happy. Yes ladies and gentlemen, that's correct, cheerful little Rick has finally given up on that battle. It's entirely to much work and well, to be honest I've found that it's yet another thing that seems to pop up far more often when you don't worry about it. Instead I'm going to start trying to be content. WARNING Rick is about to make a metaphore. The way I see it happiness is like an egg. That's right, an egg. It's fragile. It's doesn't last long. When you try to hold onto it, it tends to break. Then you're left with egg on your face and that stuff is sticky. I wish I had a metaphore for contentment but I don't, but the important thing is that contentment is a state of mind. It's easy to hold on to, in fact, after a bit of practice it happens without thought. This bit may get deleted as it deals with a subject that I have difficulty talking about because I find it more than a little embarassing. You may wonder why I decided to type that bit, and I actually am not at all sure. I'm not going to look for a girlfriend anymore. It hasn't worked for the past twelve years since I decided that cooties weren't all that bad, and it doesn't appear that it will be working any time soon. Now that being said, I'm not sure what to say next. This is something that is of monumental importance to me but I'm not sure why. I really don't have a clue why it should be so important to me to find girlfriend, but if I'm honest to myself, my desire to have a g/f is second only to furthering my beliefs and walk with God. If I'm really honest with myself I can see just how close of a race it is between those two some days. I've actually gotten to the point that it's become practically an obsession. The only reason I actually realized that is because of my writing. I won't go into details but suffice it to say my stories are at times filled with more pointless relationships that a bad romance novel. And for those of you who have not forced yourselves to read such a novel just believe that that's a lot. I've also realized something odd about this. My baisic outlook on life is to ignore the things that don't matter. For those of you who don't know, that includes just about everything. Things that really get people worked up (don't be offended) don't bother me at all. A list of such things would include, Grades, Jobs, Work, Money, War, Cancer, Evangelism, Telemarketers, Cell Phones, Popularity, People Who Don't Like Me And/Or I Don't Like and The Various Antics of Televions and Movie Stars. That being said, I realized that so many of the things that do bother me don't matter. If you're curious about what's on the list of things that do get to me don't worry, you'll shortly be enlightened. The sheer size of the list of things that just don't matter to me really throws the list of things that do matter to me into sharp contrast. The list is as follows, My relationship with my God, My Immeadiate Family and a few notable exceptions to the word immeadiate, and My friends you probably fit into that category dearest reader. Those are things that matter. Really matter. Those aren't going to go away when I die. I can take those anywhere I want and still draw comfort, support, and nothing can take those away if I don't let them. What really gets to me however are the people that I care about who for whatever reason, don't seem to care about me. Now, having said that I need to say a few more things to make sure your initial reaction is the right one. I take the things you say WAY to seriously. I really do. It's a problem that I've dealt with for a long time, and am getting better with, but I still have a tendency to make Mountains out of molehills. I really do believe that everyone who has actually taken the time to read this cares about me, and I have never felt completely unloved at any time in my life, something I thank God for every time I think about it. There have been a few times when an errant comment or remark has put me down in the dumps for days at a time. There are a few things that people have said to me, miniscule things mind you, that to this day, I still remember. I'm not going to tell you about them because as I've said, they are miniscule, but little things people say to me cause me more damage than people spewing curses and insults. The other side of this particular coin is that every now and then someone will say something about me, and I'll be on cloud nine for a week. These things seem small to the person that says them but thier importance to me is ridiculous. I suppose to put this in context I'll give an example. Quite a while ago, I was complimented on my hair, by a pair who's opinion (not just of my hair, but of me in general) mattered quite a bit. I still smile when I think about that. It's two in the morning, and I'm not entirely sure what purpose has been served by getting this all out, but I feel a little better having said it all. Thanks for reading if you did, and I understand if you didn't bother. |
