sometimes you're the only one listening to yourself talk. and, when this happens you remember why you were independent in the first place. maybe i'm too good of a listener for anyone to ever notice that i, too, need to be listened to. at the very least, i have kim and it's not fair to dump my troubles on her. you go through life being constantly reminded of just how lonely you are.
i don't know, now. all i do is frustrate him. he's pissed more than he's happy. i'm more forgiving than he is and a lot more patient with people. i just don't respond back to every remark that ticks me off.
i feel like i'm slowly evolving into a different person. i don't know what to make of it. i'm being told i'm icy or my skin needs to be thicker. my asking questions seem juvenile all of a sudden.
i don't know anymore. i don't know. i just don't know. it's harder to breathe, now. i don't know why i'm fighting with my inner feelings so much. it's time to just let it go. being with someone you finally find that you don't want to change is rare. i'm willing to accept the flaws that comes with the package. it's what makes your partner unique to you. my coy and wily attitude is a result of my being truly happy for once. he doesn't understand how much happier, if not--happiest--i've been. but i feel like he's holding back a lot of the times and i wonder if it's a result of me being so open about my feelings for him. i don't like dragging men by the rope and if i love someone, they're going to know it.
i just don't know anything anymore. maybe time will settle some uneasy feelings for me.
When a friendship dies, you wonder if there are anymore along that way that will just die as easily. You invest 13 years into a friendship to spur this hatred this person has over you. It makes me sad. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that a person can be this angry at me for having told them the TRUTH. The honest-to-God truth. The truth that is impartial to my own opinions. I don't know what more to say. It just hurts to lose a friend. A childhood best friend that you have shared all your happy and sadder times with.
Maybe he's right. A part of growing up is losing the friends you don't need or help you grow along the way. I'm just sad and blue all over. I didn't have to think if I could handle the repercussions of telling her the truth. I seriously thought that all the years backed up behind us would OUTLAST this one moment of truth with her, but it didn't. She said that there were times when she wanted to tell me the truth, too. Oh, but she already did. She had bagged on my boyfriend already. I never once said a peep to her about her other men. I took it in and looked at it rationally. The relationship I'm in, now, is more realistic and rational than the one that she's in. I still love her and respect her as a former friend, but damn it does hurt.
I don't want to be a burden on anyone else, now, about all of this. It's time to live with the hurt and get over the pain somehow. I'm disappointed that it had to end so damn abruptly. Some people can't handle the truth. I truly feel sorry for them. I've been slapped around with the truth all my life. It's the only way I know that I'm not perfect and will never be.
new relationships are always hard. i'm constantly trying to reinvent myself when i'm in a new one. there are things that are expectedly differently and things that you can't just assume. there's a different kind of respect and a different kind of frustration. everything's different.
i do think about the ex from time-to-time. i want him to be happy and really, truly just do well for himself. i hope he finds someone and shares a love with that someone as much as i have shared with my boyfriend, now. it just wasn't meant to be and i knew it for a long time already. sometimes you do so much and get so little in return that all you can do is let go. you want someone you love to be so happy that you forget sometimes about your own inner happiness. i don't want to make the same mistake, again, but i don't know how i can.
