Be Still and Know that I Am God

Everyone seems to be all about New Year's Resolutions. Resolution means to be resolute about something. To be determined in  your mindset. I don't really make resolutions but I learn things and I experiment with different philosophies. I'm gonna share some of the things I'v been using as guiding principles lately and some of the new lessons I'v learned.

-It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Take risks, Make Bold Choices.

-Be willing to get it wrong,  Don't fear failure, Don't save anything for the trip back

-It's better to try and get it wrong than to have not tried at all.

-I'v learned that true love means Never giving up on someone

-I'v learned that love is not the same as happiness or contentment, It's about being committed to someone or something else's wellbeing.

-Fear is caused by feeling something and then hesitating and then denying you ever felt it.

-People listen to you better when you stop talking.

-It is in stillness and silence that we come to know our true nature.

That's it. I'm also learning that we all work differently so you may not agree with my thoughts. Come up with your own. I don't care what you believe in just believe in something. Otherwise why are you here...?

P.S. I sat in the Hot tub last night with a beautiful man but as I was walking past the mirror I realized... I'm getting hot. I don't know when it happeed but sometime in the last year or so I became a man. It's kinda nice. I'm loving my body so much right now. Luego.

Merci Mon Dieu

So last night felt good. Somehow being destroyed from the inside out has caused me to become incredibly stable.

I was feeling so empty on saturday and I was driving to see some friends. Broken and bloody I turned on the radio and it was just some nice worship music. I'm not a christian but worship is universal. I could feel white light pouring into my body to fill the hole that was left. I started crying so hard. I couldn't really let go to the grief because I was driving but it felt so good to finally feel it.

Yesterday I was driving and I remember feeling a really dark hate on friday. That seemed new for me so I went into it. I just kep saying "I Hate You" Not angry, more cold and dark. I hate you...I hate you. I kept repeating it and trying to muster up as much cold rage as I could. I saw faces in front of me. As My hate grew the faces changed as if I was searching for the actual root of this hate. I finally stopped on one face. It was a man. I remember this man as the one spirit who called me to be here in this life. I have met him before when I went back to the time before this life. He was always so determined and focused on me doing this. I had discovered before that i didn't really get a break between lives. I was taken out of my last life and thrust into this one like some spiritual intervention. And no one brought cookies. So I kept telling him I hate you. I talked with him. Why? Why have you made me come here? Why do I have to go through all this pain? I was trying to discover some bit of information about how all this love and pain really works. He said I needed life. He saw that i needed something so he got it for me. Even though I would hate him for it. Even though I would give him no love. Even though I would never acknowledge his gift to me, he loved me and so he gave me what I needed even if it destroyed his heart to see me go through it. I started to understand. When you love someone, when you truly love someone and are dedicated to their wellbeing, you don't let ANYTHING stop you from holding them. You do what you have to to honor your love for them. You look them in the eye and you hold them tight and nothing can ever make you let go. If they bite you or hit you or spit at you or ignore you or plead and cry and moan...you never walk away from someone you love.

I had a great healer tell me once that being broken makes you soft. Soft and flexible is life, hard and rigid is death. I would rather cry and weep and rage everyday. I would rather have my heart stomped on by a herd of buffalo if it's going to keep me soft like a child. Innocent and vulnerable. We don't need defenses or distance or fear to keep us safe. We have to be soft and gentle and then the great love of the universe will pour through you and nothing can ever truly damage you.

I was supported by such a loving family last night. We brought in the new year with some Ecstatic Trance Posturing along with drumming and ratteling. We all laid on each other in Child's Pose and hummed and then tickled each other in a big heap of warm bodies. It was so wonderful to support my family and be supported by them. People I have not met before in this life but I fell into so beautifully. It feels so good to be alive.

May you all have a Wonderful and Blessed year ahead. Make bold choice. Take risks. get hurt. Try again. And always keep love in your heart and passion in your eyes.

My teacher once said you never presume to ask god for anything. You merely say thank you for what you already have.

Thank You...

What is this place...

Sadness overtakes me...Somewhere deep inside a gear is blown...Blood...It Broke

I can't even begin to think where i'm at or what i should do. I hope and pray everyday that my philosophies are taking me towards strength and wholeness and not just sending me on an ever disassembling downward spiral into pain and confusion.

If you look too deeply into the void...the void looks back into you

Am I destroying myself by caring? Am I disabling my humanity by exploring the inner world? Who am I? Where does this "I" fit? Why am I going through so much turmoiil and pain? Is it worth the outcome?

I think maybe by being too emotionally sensitive I am adrift in chaos. I think by actually paying attention to how I feel I'm ruining any chance at having normal human interaction. I want something to be easy. Not everything just something. I need a break. Maybe I need to die. I'm ok with dieing but will I ever be reborn? If I die to the world then what am I for?

I"m so sad. I'm so hurt.

Why? Why do I have to be such a fucking little baby and get hurt by every tiny little thing? Why can't I be numb and asleep like everyone else. Nothing really matters when it's all just a dream. My illness has nothing to do with my lifestyle. Disease is about chance not choice. I want to dream. i want to sleep. I'd rather be small and dead like everyone else than be alive and awake and hurt and be alone.

Does the pain ever stop?

I'm tired...

My soul just fell out. Did anyone see where it rolled? What shall I fill the gaping, bloody hole with. Maybe some paper towels and duct tape.

Please tell me this will end soon. I'm exhausted...

I always question whether or not to write on here about what I'm experiencing so that I will feel better but then all you people get to hear is how bad things are and how awful I feel.

Or should I simply write about my healing experiences and philosophies thus bringing more positivity to my own life and hopefully inspiring others?

Hmm Such a dilema. I like to be conscious with my language but I also like to be honest about how I'm doing. How about a compromise. I"ll write briefly about my struggle and then at length about something positive.

So change is scary. Being happy takes hard work. I'v worked a crap job for too long and now i'm hurting. But sometimes your room has to get REALLY messy before you clean it. Relationships are confusing and hard and I keep having to remind myself that it's worth it most of the time. Exploring new areas of healing and new venues of service to others is confusing the hell out of me but again I try and remind myself that I'm doing a good job and I have to just keep trying even if I get it wrong sometimes. I"m incredibly sad at the amount of pain I have. The amount of abuse I'v suffered. I'm so excited to get through all this and release the pain so I can have those experiences as healing gifts to offer my clients. I'm ready for it to be easy. I just want one thing to be easy.

Ok on the other side of things I am working on landing a massage day job. I realized that I'm skilled and I can have anything I want right. So I figured why not find a high end salon than can keep me busy and provide a decent pay check and at the same time I can benefit them with my enthusiasm and skill. I was oh so sure about it when I embarked on this trip. The path is always trickier when you actually start walking it though. I"m trudging forward though with zeal. I"m done with being small. I'd rather pretend to be bigger than I am and ask for forgiveness than keep being so small and asking for permission to be what I already am. So ya, i"m working on that. Please send me strong positive thoughts for my prosperity and abundance. When one grows we all grow.

I"m also continuing my sexual healing work. I had a friend call me a Daka the other day in an email. A Daka is a man (female is Dakini) who works with others toward the goal of greater sexual and holistic expansion and a more creative use of sexual energy. It's a fairly broad category but it's definitely a good title for what I am becoming. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to use a title like Daka or Sacred Intimate but who cares. If I offend someone then I'll deal with that later. So yes, I am a Daka. I'v been working with Tantra Yoga, Taoist Erotic Massage and Emotional/Sexual Healing now for about 6 months now. I'v had great experiences and some rough ones. After meeting my current lover though everything changed. I realized how lonely I have always been and how my practice has really been about me finding and creating friends. A very bad way to run a therapy practice. I feel I have a much clearer perspective on my healing work and I feel more whole and able to serve others. I'm gonna put up some preliminary ads for the erotic work I"m doing. See how many people are interested in exploring that. I have much stronger boundaries than I started with which just comes with experience I guess. 

Sexual Healing is really about exploring the boundaries we set up between our true self and others. These boundaries are never more clear than in an intimate environment. When you're lying naked with another person how present are you really? How aware are  you of your body and your partner's body? Are you merely living out habits and patterns from the past or are you creating new joys everytime you lie down with someone? Aside from all the emotional anxiety people carry about sex, we also carry a great deal of physical tension in our genitals and soft areas. It's amazing the amount of pain and trauma we just work around in our arm pits, penis, pelvic floor, anus, tailbone, low back, inner things, vagina, feet or any other soft and sensitive area of the body. By learning to let go of fear and let people in to every soft painful area of your body, you can learn to open up your soul and let joy pour out of you. Sex isn't about two bodies creating enough friction to spurt out a never-big-enough bang.  Sex is about two bodies opening and freeing their hearts and sexual force so they merge and dance together in ecstasy until climax brings both of you face to face with God. It doesn't have to be a big hooplah every time but it can be. It's something every one should experience and know. Sex is the gateway to great things. May you all find healing on your respective paths. Namaste.

It's time for a new haircut so it happened.

It's time for pictures so they happened.

It's time for a new relationship and here it is.

It's time for things to change in my life.

It's time for more clients so Ollie Ollie Oxen Free.

It's time for financial responsibility and I haven't over drafted in months.

It's time to share what i really want, feel and think and I'm doing my best.

It's time to start another phase of my life. I love my new apt.

It's time to look around and see the beauty and blessings of my life. I love you all.

What about you? What is it time for? Now is the time. Now is the only time. The year is over. Winter is upon us. What did you do this year? How did things go? Did you make strong choice? Did you move towards the life you want? Are you surrounded by strong people for the dark and cold winter months? Now is the time to evaluate the past year and make decisions for next year. What will you eat? What will you grow? What will you creat? What will you become? Winter is the tim of reflection on the past and excitement for the coming future. May you all feel excitement and anticipation for the year to come. Divine Love and Human Will cross at the Heart and flow out to all people. Be at Peace in this time,