I always question whether or not to write on here about what I'm experiencing so that I will feel better but then all you people get to hear is how bad things are and how awful I feel.

Or should I simply write about my healing experiences and philosophies thus bringing more positivity to my own life and hopefully inspiring others?

Hmm Such a dilema. I like to be conscious with my language but I also like to be honest about how I'm doing. How about a compromise. I"ll write briefly about my struggle and then at length about something positive.

So change is scary. Being happy takes hard work. I'v worked a crap job for too long and now i'm hurting. But sometimes your room has to get REALLY messy before you clean it. Relationships are confusing and hard and I keep having to remind myself that it's worth it most of the time. Exploring new areas of healing and new venues of service to others is confusing the hell out of me but again I try and remind myself that I'm doing a good job and I have to just keep trying even if I get it wrong sometimes. I"m incredibly sad at the amount of pain I have. The amount of abuse I'v suffered. I'm so excited to get through all this and release the pain so I can have those experiences as healing gifts to offer my clients. I'm ready for it to be easy. I just want one thing to be easy.

Ok on the other side of things I am working on landing a massage day job. I realized that I'm skilled and I can have anything I want right. So I figured why not find a high end salon than can keep me busy and provide a decent pay check and at the same time I can benefit them with my enthusiasm and skill. I was oh so sure about it when I embarked on this trip. The path is always trickier when you actually start walking it though. I"m trudging forward though with zeal. I"m done with being small. I'd rather pretend to be bigger than I am and ask for forgiveness than keep being so small and asking for permission to be what I already am. So ya, i"m working on that. Please send me strong positive thoughts for my prosperity and abundance. When one grows we all grow.

I"m also continuing my sexual healing work. I had a friend call me a Daka the other day in an email. A Daka is a man (female is Dakini) who works with others toward the goal of greater sexual and holistic expansion and a more creative use of sexual energy. It's a fairly broad category but it's definitely a good title for what I am becoming. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to use a title like Daka or Sacred Intimate but who cares. If I offend someone then I'll deal with that later. So yes, I am a Daka. I'v been working with Tantra Yoga, Taoist Erotic Massage and Emotional/Sexual Healing now for about 6 months now. I'v had great experiences and some rough ones. After meeting my current lover though everything changed. I realized how lonely I have always been and how my practice has really been about me finding and creating friends. A very bad way to run a therapy practice. I feel I have a much clearer perspective on my healing work and I feel more whole and able to serve others. I'm gonna put up some preliminary ads for the erotic work I"m doing. See how many people are interested in exploring that. I have much stronger boundaries than I started with which just comes with experience I guess. 

Sexual Healing is really about exploring the boundaries we set up between our true self and others. These boundaries are never more clear than in an intimate environment. When you're lying naked with another person how present are you really? How aware are  you of your body and your partner's body? Are you merely living out habits and patterns from the past or are you creating new joys everytime you lie down with someone? Aside from all the emotional anxiety people carry about sex, we also carry a great deal of physical tension in our genitals and soft areas. It's amazing the amount of pain and trauma we just work around in our arm pits, penis, pelvic floor, anus, tailbone, low back, inner things, vagina, feet or any other soft and sensitive area of the body. By learning to let go of fear and let people in to every soft painful area of your body, you can learn to open up your soul and let joy pour out of you. Sex isn't about two bodies creating enough friction to spurt out a never-big-enough bang.  Sex is about two bodies opening and freeing their hearts and sexual force so they merge and dance together in ecstasy until climax brings both of you face to face with God. It doesn't have to be a big hooplah every time but it can be. It's something every one should experience and know. Sex is the gateway to great things. May you all find healing on your respective paths. Namaste.