Release_the_batss's Xanga

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 01:14:48 GMT

the timing was bad, but there's never a good time for bad things to happen

it's wrong how you wish for others to fall apart. actually, it's completely fine to wish for terrible things to happen to other people. the problem is that my head immediately goes to the fact that the person who is going to end up having bad things happen to is me. The person you wish to just never get out of that bed, never escape that misery that you both once shared, is really just you, never escaping from that bubble.

The second thought is the one that separates, the one that fucks me up. There is no way to just stay on a one track mind, it meanders, until you find yourself completely lost in your own anxiety.

I don't mind this being a depressing entry. I don't mind it looking like those two old friends, who write about their cheating boyfriends or the impending doom they predict. xanga's were made for this, but if I actually felt these feelings I probably would make this entry private. But it is most likely being written for a reaction, a reaction that I won't get because I am not sure what it is.

i have a bowl full of bloody floss, its kind of gross, it is kind of a metaphor, for how I don't take care of myself on a regular basis, just those 2 or 3 days I can put goo in my hair and make myself presentable...

Germany flew in today

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 05:46:43 GMT

I can't sleep. Laying on my back scratching my stomach, poking at it, curling the hairs near my belly button: I feel like Fargo, North Dakota. "That blue room, an american flag draped over that basement window. It was a soldiers room."

i need a job

there is this moment, when everything culminates into this single stroke of a guitar or crashing of a cymbal...and then i vomit. I vomit everywhere, on my bed, on my computer, the vomit is mixed in with my belly hair, now it hits the floor, falls through the floor boards, on to the baby sleeping in the crib in the unit downstairs...

"when it burned my throat,

it did not kill me,

as I'd hoped

and when the fever broke,

it was as violent

as I'd hoped"

I keep having this problem with dates, and numbers in general. Maybe its minor psychosis. Everything keeps switching. February 20th has recently been changed to February 18th. March 9th is the new March 13th. Holy Mountain I need sleep.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 14:39:19 GMT

Don't forget the potential

It's one of those blustery early spring late winter days and I feel like sitting, smoking cigarettes as I write math theorems. Then it hits me, I'm no genius. I don't perform well, amazing test scores, absolutely no performance. I have another statistic to try and sway myself away from self loathing. I've been institutionalized four times in the past three years for numerous reasons. If you have a difficult life, you find youself leaning toward instability. This instability may be a sign of intelligence. Do you find yourself not easily flustered, laughing in your mind at how others anger seems so easily correlated to their own confusion about the matters at hand? Lately, I've been getting these feelings, like I'm losing brain mass. I got tested today by a specialist, and I tested at grade 12 month 8. Sophmore year, around april or may, as I took a test on a computer at Rosecrance, I tested at grade 12 month 9. In the past two years I have shrunk away one month of intelligence. So, what will I do? How will I try and gain back this one month of knowledge? I have to start reading books again, I've conquered the instant gratification needed in my ear drum. Now to move deeper inside, to my actual brain. Start working, start feeding that hungry ghost I deny to myself. Knowledge is absolute power, and power corrupts absolutely.
Thanks school house rock!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 18:59:09 GMT

so, somehow my myspace was deleted

i blame myself, but mostly i blame you

anyways, my new one is

http://myspace.com/commonswallow

Monday, February 06, 2006

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 18:02:49 GMT

So, at my work, larry, the bassist of pelican is a cashier, it doesn't matter if im not that big of a pelican fan, but the guy did play with mono every time they were in town. I mean that shits crazy, and then some guy from head of femur slices deli meats? and a fellow bagger fucks the guy from mewithoutyou...weird....

anyways, I'm going to be on the cbs news soon, appearently marian shilders is doing a heart wrenching story on adolescent teens with eating disorders...*makes jerking off fist*

It'll be funny though, I'll get to talk about my struggle, and how my new found relationship with jesus chryest saved me from such troubled times.

blah blah blah pretension pretension

so i'm buying some $500 synthesizers, which might just make my worth something more to fuck heads who ignore me all the time, cough, im just hurt, pardon my anger who ever this is im talking about

i have this cord which I use to plug into my ipod to play it on my stereo system. I always like finding what noises i can make as i skim the plug across my monitor, i found the noises that come from my stereo are the exact same sounds that are made when i press the plug against my very own skin.

i liked that

Friday, January 27, 2006

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 23:23:43 GMT

lucky dragons-dark falcon

"of guilts in my heart

i know I love thee

whatever thou art"

This wasn't easy for me....

she wants promises

and I can't make promises

false hopes, dreams, resolutions

time to brandish my pistol and ride the slow boat to china town

nice way to fuck it up, heart breaker

p.s. this xanga thing is so getting deleted

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 06:37:11 GMT

Just plug back in

Recommit

ReSurrender

Do the thing you least wish to do

A lack of comments, a lack of readings, will tell me where I need to be. It's becoming plain to see that I should go spend some more time bettering myself. I've made a showing and I think it was comparable to a 3 minute microwave lean cuisine dinner that you put your fork in anticipation of warm chicken, and all you got was wet frozen slush.

If you write on a blue slip inside your cd that your band should fit in ones library somewhere between the animal collective, manitoba, & merzbow aren't you just setting me up to worship you?

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 10:15:50 GMT

I take it all back!

An Albatross

January 18th, 7 p.m.! at Beat Kitchen

WE ARE THE LAZER VIKING

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 20:16:46 GMT

don't you love when you write the most truthful entry ever, and no one can relate to it all?

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 15:09:07 GMT

Sadly, this kid if probably going to have to go through countless decades of endless wandering.

My iPOD broke, which was sad because it had some 5000 songs on it. The good thing was I got a new one free today thanks to the lovely people of Best Buy. Which means the new one will be born tonite.

Headfoneless I rode the CTA out to Mecca, a.k.a. my girlfriends house. I'm sitting here, and I feel like writing. I sat on my plane ride from San Francisco Monday nite/tuesday morning and a rush of thoughts came to my head. Of course I cant remember those beautiful phrases that I kept muttering to myself as I sat next to a 300 pound man who had appearently gone to a John Mayer Trio show given the ticket bookmark in his book. He spent 15 dollars on 3 Heineken brews as I took part in my pseudo-intellectual suduku book. I decided to write a final summation to emily gregg, apologizing for my "in the moment" promises. The letter was half self deprecation and half sick with how beautiful I believe staying stuck is.

My father, who has slowly become the little indie rock metro sexual, bought me an amazing biography of Ralph Waldo Emerson. It is taken from the perspective of Emerson's relationship with others. I underline the sentences and passages that ring true to my journey over the course of the last 21 or so months. Plus, my ego is always filled when I find myself reading/listening/watching something difficult, and undesirable to my instant gratification drowned brain.

I know I'm letting you all down, god damnit, I know. I'm sorry I am not always there, and morph you into "alex groupies." Nobody deserves to be treated as shitty as I have treated some of you. In my heart, and in my mind, I know that I love and am grateful to you all, it is just my feet that need to show it. I sometimes wish I would stop categorizing everything and everyone and could just start accepting life as is. I found myself deleting my subscription to someone because they were listening to wolf eyes, and it upset me, because I couldn't stop dividing and separating people. Why can't I see that we're all here, struggling, living, and trying our hardest to piece one happy moment to the next. It is an act for me, not saying it is for you, but this hatred, spitefulness, and elitism is a mask. A mask that hides the scared 5 year old on the inside.

This shall be the motto, and I think Mr. VanSlyke would love it

"the pinions of thought should be strong and one should see the errors of men from a calmer height of love and wisdom."

Of course these errors are no more than one's own perception, but, none the less, I pretend they're universal truths most days.

Orthrelm is coming march 10th

should I see plot to blow up the Eiffel tower and Ariel pink as well?

answer me amanda