So you know that song from when we were kids in sunday school "Oh be careful little eyes what you see. oh be careful little eyes what you see. For the Father up above is looking down with love, so be careful little eyes what you see!"? Well I think they should add another verse- "Oh be careful little Christian what you pray. Oh be careful little Christian what you pray. For the Father up above is listening down in love, and He may just give you back what you pray." *Smiles* So the story/devotional thing I wrote the other day, no joke, the NEXT day God started to do things to bring me to a state of complete dependancy. Did I like it at first? NO! Did I realize that is what was happening at first? No. When I realized it finally, was I grateful? Yes. Has it been hard? YES!

So yea. The past couple days since praying that have been an emotional roller-coaster. Some days I have been so amazingly happy and excited about what God is teaching me and the ability to see firsthand His hand in my life, working, teaching me things, and so on. And other days I have cried and cried my eyes out and just have NOT understood, and cried out "WHAT WAS GOD THNKING?!?!?" as my roommate, suitemate, and mom have held me. Bible characters do it so much more elegantly than sitting there screaming that out, they write Psalms, or do the whole sackcloth and ashes bit, but that's just not me. I prefer the screaming part. *smiles* Those of you who know me well probably just laughed at that part and thought "yea, thats mary". And I'm sure that's what God does with me in those moments. He just smiles at me, chuckles a little, and says "Yea, that's Mary. She'll get it eventually, for right now, it's gunna hurt her. But she'll thank me in the end." I can tell that's gunna be the case. I'm excited....hold on for the ride.

During wrestling season, BJ constantly has to watch what he puts in his body. He can’t eat any junk food or sweets. That is just out of the question! But he also must watch what types of good food he puts into his body, what portions, and so on. Right before a match, at times, he will even cut all food out of his diet. Worst of all, he will cut out water too. I remember times where he would be SO THIRSTY that he would stand over the kitchen sink, with the spraying hose, just shooting water into his mouth. Cute, right? Not really, because he wouldn’t be drinking the water. He would just be letting it run into his mouth, get his tongue and mouth wet, and run back out. He wasn’t allowing it to go into his body, he was just trying to get it wet, to just get a small bit of satisfaction. Can you imagine? I know I can’t.

I feel like a lot of times that is how I am in my relationship with Christ. Sometimes I’m so thirsty, but I don’t seek to drink from Christ. I don’t seek His Word to satisfy me. I don’t try to communicate with Him through prayer. I don’t try to listen to what it is He is trying to tell me. I try to do everything on my own. I try to be the one that is in control. I try to be the one with the answers. I try to be the one who doesn’t need anyone else’s help. Cute, right? Not really! What makes me think that I can do this on my own? That I don’t need to communicate with my Lord on a personal level every day? What makes me think that I don’t need to spend time in His Word? Why do I think that saying a 5 second prayer before I go to bed is sufficient? Why do I think that doing 15 minutes of devotions before I dash on to the next thing on my list is enough? Why do I think that God is satisfied with me and my “sacrifices” just because I do these things? All I am doing is getting my tongue wet. I’m not drinking Him in. I’m not filling myself up. I’m just getting something to satisfy me, and it isn’t even enough! How sad that is!

            God, I am so sorry for this. I’m sorry for the fact that I give you a pathetic part of me most days. I’m sorry for allowing my busy schedule to push you aside. I’m sorry for thinking that I can control things and I don’t need you. I’m sorry for giving you the bare minimum to clear my conscience. I’m sorry for saying selfish prayers. I’m sorry for running to you only when I’m in trouble or need you. I’m so sorry for not trusting in you completely on everything. Please break me. Please make it so that I am completely empty without you. Bring me down to nothingness. Bring me to the place where all I can do is cry out for you. Make me thirsty…….

*sigh* so hooray for being home....it took 4 and a half hours because of traffic on the one-laner part on 30. but i made it home. hung out with the fam and tom, and then tom left and my dad and bros went to sleep, so my mom and i hung out doin a craft (lol yes, we did a craft together) and then stayed up talking until 2am. it was amazing. i missed my mom so much. we used to do that so much when i lived at home. i love it.

so we woke up, and cleaned all morning (dont miss that) and my brother mouthed off the whole time (dont miss that either) and then we had family over from 12:30 until about 7. and i made them all write on squares what they were thankful for so i could scrapbook it, and you woulda thought i was teaching kindergarteners. lol.

and yea, i kept track of how many times do you think i heard "mary i wish you lived here" or "mary you should move back home" or "see, isnt it better when you're here?"...i counted at least 20 times. i love them...i do...and i miss them so much when im at school, but yea...no. lol

and my moms best friend came over with her kids, and we did "childhood reenactment" photos, with all 8 of us on the couch like when we were little, and let me tell you, it is NOT as easy as when we were little, we all got bigger. hahaha. it was awesome, i'll hafta put them on here.

ok...so my grandpa is in the hospital. he was having back and chest pains and he was really dizzy. please pray for him- he's had multiple heart attacks and strokes before...and so this was really scary. i love my grandpa. yea...

alright, well im out. just needed something to do for a bit. kuz it felt like midnight at 7, and it still feels wicked late. lol. later much ya'll....

Blessings

So someone made my freakin day/week/month today by leaving me this on my desk. It may look simple, its a flower in a Jones Soda bottle with a red ribbon around it, and a green note saying "Thanks for being you", but you have no idea what a blessing and encouragement this was to me tonight. I'm so stressed out with homework, tests and quizzes, and enough projects to make anyone lose their mind! I've got wicked bad cramps, and pms that is causing me to be a jerk to alot of undeserving people, especially my boyfriend. I've been feeling really homesick, and I just want my mom (yea i sound like a little kid, but it's the truth!). I want this semester to be over. I want less classes and I don't wanna go to work anymore. I hate growing up. I hate feeling disconnected to so many of my friends. And yet, someone still loved me enough to take the time to leave me this present, showing that they cared. And, it was a nice little reminder from God saying, "Hey...amid all of this craziness, I love you! I always have, I always will, and I will show you through the little things." So even though this may be an anonymous gift, thank you to whoever you are....you will never know how much this touched me! I'm praying for you...and thanks again....

bf

soooo theres this guy...and i guess we've been dating for like 7 months now. and i guess i like him. lol. ok i really do! and he was worried i didnt like him, so i wanted to re-assure him! so there ya go! justin riffell is such a studmuffin! girly moment gone.