my grandmother died when i was in college. it got me so affected that my grades were almost hanging on a cliff (thank goodness that I actually earned high points for the first term), even the drive coming to school was gone. i wanted to stay home. for some reason, i was guided and made it through. then came the death of a cousin (which i think should have been my time and not of hers), i got mad at the entire world. never talked to anyone, never laughed, never got out of my room.... for months. then for some unseen guidance, i got myself back. i have had attended wakes and funerals before but i realized that didn't exactly make me immune to any emotional  blend that comes after.  you can say i am too attached to everything i respect, love and care for. i am too stubborn to move on and let go.

this year, i lost a friend, not by death but by distance. it got me too affected that i am slowly shifting myself back to the old self i tried to change years ago... the dark side. i am starting to become angry at the world again, no laughter, no fun, no meaning. 

weeks after, death got a friend. my mentor. our choirmaster. he's been fighting to become better after a series of stroke. i could see the will in his eyes which actually gave me strength that everything will become better.  it may sound strange but i was happy in some way that his suffering has passed though i know that i will never be able to see him smile again.

then came the storms. circumstances must be playing tricks on me that i'm being tested how tough i could be. trying to crack my shell.

people around me actually have noticed this especially by the people i spend time the most with - my officemates. my boss, too.  he kept on saying: "it's a joke, pedro. smile."  i tried to and enjoy life but there are just moments that i couldn't.

days ago, an old friend (high school) sent a text message regarding her mom, asking prayers. i know tita (aunt) had cancer since 1995 (breast). overcame it but came a knocking 12 years later (to the bone). i was thinking that her chemotherapy's going well since most of the text messages i received before was  that of  they're on their way home already after the treatment. i got my chances of visiting her  weeks ago whenever i go to their place and hear the words: "she's getting old".  when i have learned that they're back at the city, i suggested to visit them at the hospital. to my shock, her mom's been staying there since may.  roulyn, together with hubby charles met at the icu lobby. funny in way coz' the whole time i was waiting for them, i stood at the very window of their room - room 9. unknown to me what room they're at.  i was happy when they opened the blinds (they're asking me to go inside but i insisted for me to stay outside). tita was there resting and her eyes opened. i was informed that her senses have gone. no reaction will you be getting.... well, maybe for the hearing.

i informed friends after this, asking for prayers for roulyn's mom. what i have received hours later were messages which i brought when i came back the day after (yesterday) at the hospital. i didn't see roulyn this time coz' she went back to their condo unit. she's pregnant (7mos) and she needs rest. i just talked to zeny and topher (siblings) whom i left the messages with. i was finally convinced to go inside the icu. i was holding my tears back then but when i actually touched tita and trying my way to communicate with her, i wasn't able to contain myself and cried, telling her that she has to get well. i didn't get a response back of course but a small hope that she had heard me.

morning came, when i woke up, i got a text message from zeny that says:

"my mom passed away peacefully this morning at daw... please offer prayers for her safe journey home.. the family is grateful that her suffering was lifted from her by God and she is now beside Him..."