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Riff_Kid
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Name: Sam...antha
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: Long Island
Birthday: 2/28/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: Writing, Reading, Concerts, art, photography, saying odd things out of the blue, Josh Groban imitator, NYC culture, funny people, not associating myself with morons, having ridiculously curly hair, and seducing older men.
Expertise: I'm not an expert, I still have so much to learn, but I'm into photography.
http://srosado1.photosite.com <-- Portfolio
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message me
AIM:  Chimbley Sweep 0
Member Since:
6/16/2003
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| This will be my last post on here, like I said I was planning on doing a few weeks ago.
Take care, Xanga, you've been good to me...sometimes.
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| I've been thinking about starting a new "blog" somewhere else, a bit more secluded where only certain people can read it. I've had this one since about sophomore year of high school, I think, and I feel it's time to move on. I've toyed with the idea of not having one at all, but it's kind of nice to spill all of your thoughts someplace and just leave them there.
There's a spider crawling on my ceiling right now, I'm sure to anyone else it wouldn't be a big deal, but I keep running around the room as to avoid it. The prospect of killing it is even scarier. And while reflecting on this, and perhaps digging into it much deeper than necessary, in a Chowske-esque sort of way, I realize that this is the problem I seem to have lately.When things scare me, I avoid it thinking it's the best possible course to take, instead of confronting it head on and smashing the damn spider. I don't know why dealing directly with the problem and solving it quickly is scarier than the thought of avoiding it and having it haunt me for a long time. My Psychology professor would say this was due to a simple operant conditioning encounter I must have had earlier in life: take action by avoiding specific behavior, thereby avoiding a specific undesired response, therefore resulting in a more pleasurable outcome to be repeated over and over again. Simple phobia development, I suppose.
The only way to dispel this fear is to come into repeated contact with it. I've tried, except not really. This past week I have written letters to particular individuals, individuals with whom I seem to be having developing complications. I type them up at my computer, usually some time after one AM, and save them to My Documents. I can't make the decision as to send them to said individuals, so they sit there, as if waiting for the right moment, but there will never be a right moment for these things to be said. So perhaps, they'll just sit there, because sometimes certain things are better left unsaid, and I'll just have to move on with my life and stop caring so much about other people who do not care for me. And maybe that's all right, it's okay if some people think I'm a bitch, it's okay if someone doesn't love me anymore, it's okay if someone doesn't pay attention to me, because for every one person who feels that way there are three or more other people who feel the exact opposite for me.
There are certain people who will be in my heart forever, being just a trace of a line to the past. There are people whose memories will always live within me, who's love I had at the time will never die, who will always be that smile shared together on a sunny day, or a laugh shared with from across the room. There will be those people who came in as the biggest blessing, and who left as the greatest heartbreak. There will be memories of firsts and of lasts, of giggles and of tears. To think I am the only one who has or will experience this is foolish, but to recognize this within myself takes strength and courage. I love with my heart and I speak with my mind, and if that makes me a bitch, if that makes me selfish, if that makes me unlovable, then so be it, because at least I can live with the satisfaction of knowing that I have been me, I have been true to myself and my morals.
Once, someone had said they loved me for my conviction, and lost their faith in me when something happened, or I felt a little sad, as if that very conviction they loved me for had disappeared. But it has never disappeared, and it has always been here, but I do, however, have compassion and emotions, and if that appears as a loss in conviction, then it isn't me who has the problem.
And with this, I can move on into the future. I look around the room for the spider now, it seems to have disappeared, and so has this burden.
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| Providence College is awesome!!! | | |
| OH MY GOD. I leave in two days. I suppose now is as good a time as any to write that emotion-filled xanga post where I declare my love for all things Long Island and my beautiful friends.
I will miss it all, but I will be back. This isn't a dramatic "goodbye forever", or a "farewell my dear friend, good luck in life", this is more of a "I'll see you all during Thanksgiving, and make sure you send me pretty, shiny things in the mail". I will miss Manhattan, I will miss the LIRR, I will miss my bed, I will miss my family, I will miss my friends, I will miss my privacy, I will miss my beautiful shower, I will miss my mother's cooking, and so on. But while I will miss so much, there are also things I will not miss, such as: my mother's nagging, having to clean the house, my parrot's screaming, Lynbrook High School, having to ask my parents' permission to do things, having my mom call my cell 10 times a night asking me where I am and telling me to come home, and all of the really shitty people I have met here.
This will be my last post before I am officially a resident of Providence College and living in my rat-trap dorm room with my three roommates. Today, I am off to Manhattan to celebrate my dear, sweet Lisa's 18th birthday with my family, and I shall grace the streets of Manhattan for one last time (for a few months). I will wave "so long"s and "farewell"s to the cabs as they whiz on by, and I will blow kisses to the Empire State Building, and, perhaps, if I'm feeling lucky, a little wink to Penn Station.
Well, my dearies, Long Island has treated me well...sometimes, and I'm sad it took me until I was 17, and able to drive, to appreciate Long Island. The love I have for this place has increased tenfold in the past year and a half, and there is nothing I enjoy more than sitting on the sandy shore of our elongated friend staring off into the distance and knowing that so much more awaits me at the end of that ocean. But the time has come to retire from my sitting post, and now I must stand up and finally explore the one thing that has seemed so distant my entire life. So, I must brush that sand off my legs, fix my wind-scattered curls, and put my best foot forward.
Providence awaits me.
PS- This is the newest addition to my ever-growing camera family:
Rebel TI (manual)
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| Ahh, hello. Well, life has been pretty mixed up lately and well, I don't know. I started packing yesterday...I have so many clothes...
I did some shopping today and got even more, I still have a coat, boots, shoes, and a fan to get, what a combination. My mom is convinced that Providence, RI = The Arctic, she had me buy a million sweaters and continually yelled at me to get pants. For those of you who know me, I love skirts and most of the time I find them more comfortable to wear than pants, so it was really difficult for me to get pants, I was quite reluctant. I got a few pairs, but skirts win over pants, so yea. My parents are going to give me more money to buy clothes up there because there are so many stores and I really do need new clothes for the more mature, collegial Sam. I feel like I still have so much to pack, but when I look around my room there isn't much I want to take with me.
I'm very excited to leave, and I'm very excited for autumn. Hearing stories about how much my other friends love college life makes me feel very positive about this move. I want to truly apply myself in school, but I also really want to take advantage of everything before me; I want to have fun. I will make people love me, I will do well in school, and I'm going to have the greatest time of my life. AHHHH!!! SO EXCITED!!! ONE MORE WEEEEEEK!
PCers: Does it really get that cold up there? I must know!
And even though I am completely disappointed with my friends, and deeply hurt...I miss them so much. I guess 7, 5, 3 years of friendship can override anything, because in the end, I know they're there. And I do care about them, too, too much.
Anyway, I'm going to pack my new clothes and research cameras because I think I'm buying one for my photography class tomorrow. Have an excellent weekend =) | | |
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