Weblog

Saturday, May 10, 2008

  • A Prodigal's Request

     

    I was going to wait for some feedback from the Session to post this on my weblog. I'll await feedback and approval before I read it aloud to them (if that is their wish), but it's my blog, dang it, and this is already long overdue:


    A Returning Prodigal's Request to the Congregation of Springs Presbyterian Church


    I wish I could use my lifelong battle with Asperger's syndrome as an excuse for my sin. But Asperger's syndrome affects only perceptions, not choices. I know better than to trust my own perceptions when it comes to relationships, much less to act on them. I have sinned against God and against you. I have made that sin scandalous by publishing it on my weblog. I proceeded from unrealistic expectations, false assumptions, and unjustified anger over perceived wrongs.

    Unrealistic expectations have been a problem for me all of my life. It has affected absolutely all of my relationships with family, schoolmates, coworkers, wife and kids, and fellow church members. When others don't live up to those unrealistic expectations I tend to take it personally. And I can persuade others to see things as I do, and the next thing you know many people are hurt and offended over some stupid thing that was never meant the way I mistook it. It's a short hop from unrealistic expectations to false assumptions. I filled in whatever pieces of the puzzle I thought were missing with my own imagination. And it's a short hop from there to anger without cause, sin upon sin, one leading to another.

    Our partners on last year's Honduras mission from the other church had never been on a foreign mission trip before. They had some preconceived ideas of what a church mission trip ought to look like and were disappointed when things turned out differently from their own unrealistic expectations. But I who had been on two previous missions to Honduras should have known better than to take sides in the disagreement. But sharing the same weakness for unrealistic expectations and the rush to judgment, I used their disappointment to further justify my own rebellion. It became “the last straw” in my mind, giving me another excuse to leave the church.

    Most people feel better after they vent a little. With me it's the opposite. The more I vent, the more I justify my anger in my own eyes and the deeper and darker that anger becomes. It found expression here on my web log – sort of an internet diary and soapbox. That only spread the damage. Once a fire like that gets started, it quickly becomes a conflagration with all sorts of unintended and unanticipated consequences. Because I made my unjustified accusations public, I must make my apology and restitution public as well.

    I think I have hurt my brother Dave and his family most of all. I held unrealistic expectations of them before we even moved up here from Fort Lauderdale.

    I can't imagine that all the damage I have done can ever be undone this side of eternity. But I do believe in providence, and that even my scandalous sin was foreordained to play some part in God's master plan for His own glory. Only God can bring good from evil such as this. Not only can He, but He always does.

    So to paraphrase the returning prodigal son:

    Brethren, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight. I am no longer worthy to be called your brother. Forgive me, and make me as one of your hired servants.

    -Robin


Tuesday, May 06, 2008

  • No Where to Run


    Since my nephew's beautiful home school graduation ceremony a couple of days ago, something melted inside. Perhaps it was the thought of how my daughter's home school graduation would be celebrated next year - at who knows what church maybe, with who knows who attending. That would be so very wrong...

    I thought about the past year and how everything in my life - career, finances, marriage, my son's trouble with school, my blood pressure - has just slid downhill since I got it in my head to run away and start over at a new church with new friends. But where would I go? Where can you run to get away from God? Certainly not to a new church. He's there too.

    Now as if that wasn't enough, I fell upon this passage from Matthew's gospel which clinched it:

    "...if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift at the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering (Matthew 5:23-24, NASB)."


    It is a testament to my stubbornness that I could resist this simple thing for so long. But driven by all the circumstances that my rebellion has inflicted on my family, I couldn't bear it any longer.

    I called my brother and arranged to have brunch with him yesterday. I had steamed crow and humble pie. It tasted bad, but I hear it's good for the soul... we talked for almost two hours. The first of many more such conversations, I hope. That afternoon, I called and met with pastor Keeth, and had a second helping of crow and humble pie. I talked about unrealistic expectations. About my familiar tendency to fill in any pieces I think are missing with bits of my own imagination. About the people I hurt by publishing my misperceptions on my weblog for the whole world to see.

    What's next? A letter to the congregation. A prodigal's repentant confession and request to be made a servant in the household. A letter to be approved by the Session and read aloud, by me, to the congregation and published here on this weblog.

    Don't credit me with doing anything courageous and noble here. I only decided to stop being cowardly and rebellious. But I would appreciate your prayers. And your forgiveness.

     

Monday, May 05, 2008

  • Unrealistic Expectations

     


    People have been trying to tell me this all my life. All of my relationships - work, family, church, community – have all suffered because of my unrealistic expectations. I have even harped on the same lesson to other people, as if I had got and mastered the lesson myself. What a jerk I've been!

    I'm an alligator. All mouth and no ears.

    Missionaries from a neighboring church – who had never been on a mission trip before – had unrealistic expectations, imagining what a mission trip ought to look like. And when they finally went to the mission field, nothing turned out as they expected. They were very disappointed and their relationship with the other church suffered. Worse yet, I fanned the flames here in this blog, having heard only one side of the story, making matters a lot worse. What a jerk I was!

    I had expectations of two brothers that failed to come true. But rather than reassess the reality and fairness of my expectations, I got ticked and all but wrote them off. Worse yet, I expressed my disappointment publicly here in this blog, making matters worse and doing a lot of damage to people I supposedly love. What a jerk I have been!

    I had expectations of my church that rivaled what one should expect from God Himself, and was naturally disappointed when it turned out that they're flawed sinful creatures just like me. But I scandalized them, blogging angrily here, making matters worse. What a jerk I was!

    So today, before I hit the road, I'm making some rounds to confess and apologize to people I have hurt because of my own unrealistic and selfish expectations. And because I used this blog to gripe and moan and vent and attack, it is only fair that I publish my apology in the same forum. I have been an absolute jerk. And it's time I grew up and learned the lesson people have been trying to clue me in on all my adult life.

    -Robin


  • Word of Faith


    I kept my promise and visited our friends' word-of-faith church yesterday and heard exactly what I expected to hear. “Hard times don't last” is the theme of the sermon series the pastor has been doing. Yesterday's sermon was a mix of good with evil. Little gems that are quite valuable were mixed well with the completely dishonest distortion of Scripture taken wildly out of context. This was not exegetical exposition of the Scripture at all, but a topical pep talk with a smattering of “proof text” verses gleaned from all over the Bible. It is what was not said that bothers me most.

    There was no mention at all of God's righteousness and Man's depravity. No mention of humanity's guilt under the law of God. If the question were asked, “What are we saved from,” the answer would have been that we are saved from poverty, sickness, weakness, and fear. Not from guilt, slavery to sin, the condemnation of a thrice-holy God, and eternal torment. If the question were asked, “What are we saved to and for,” the answer of word-of-faith teaching is that we are saved to divine health and wealth and happiness and fulfillment and peace and everlasting bliss. Not good works, not to the glory of God, not to share in His suffering as well as His triumph. Yesterday's sermon was about making God our meal ticket and servant, rather than making us “slaves of righteousness” and fellow partakers in His death as well as His life.

    This huge megachurch was packed with sheep who heard exactly what they wanted to hear. They got their ears tickled with promises of God's love and favor for those who “do their part.” And like sheep with a corrupt shepherd, they'll follow him happily to their own destruction. Ezekiel 34 and Jeremiah 23 describe these shepherds with incredibly blunt clarity, yet most hear but without understanding and see without perception, just as the Lord said in Matthew 13:11-16. But for those with eyes to see and ears to hear, the good news is inevitably received and quietly demonstrated without all the fanfare and salesmanship that is invested in the popular prosperity gospel.

     

Sunday, May 04, 2008

  • First Things First

     

    Before we go running off to find another new church, I believe I know what to expect to find there. The same old thing will follow me to any true church I run to:


    First things first:


    “...if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering (Matthew 5:23-24, NASB).”


    It isn't reasonable to presume that the Lord will receive any offering from me as long as I have left things unsaid that need to be said. And it isn't really true that I can lean confidently on Romans 12:18 as though I had actually done all I could. I could have listened. I could have waited. I could have confronted more, cared more, listened more, and forgone judgment. It is no longer about “right and wrong.” It's about life, about relationship – not just between me and the ones who have ought against me, but between me and God. I can't run to church and expect to escape it.