Rm2046's Xanga

Being single is grrrreat.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:54:55 GMT

You can do whatever (or whoever, hah) the hell you want. What a concept, right? The world has become so much more vast and exciting ever since I stopped worrying about my love life. Pshaw, I don't need to have a boyfriend to know that I'm worthy of being loved. All I need are my friends, family, and my pianos. At least the pianos moans and scream when I touch them... boosts my self-confidence from time to time

Anyhow, funny how we all have our "roles" depending on where we are. I have an identity here in Los Angeles and I have a different identity back home. I am a completely different person here and it's interesting to realize how we all play into our "roles" wherever we are. It only takes me a minute or two to adjust back into my "old self". I guess it's because of the way people view us in different situations and surroundings... and everytime you try to get away from "role playing", you find yourself in a brand new one... ha, perhaps everything we do in a way is indeed "role playing". Funny how that works.

Did you guys know fish and chips aren't really fish and chips at ALL?! Here I was in Dennys asking the waitress where my potato chips were, only to find out that the chips aren't chips at all, they're FRIES.

FRIES!!!
Why was I the last to know? lol

Sir, do take yourself out of that pedestal. You're not freaking mother Theresa either.

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 12:29:10 GMT

People get so annoyed with people. I especially love the whole "Omg I’m in college but this is high school all over again... everyone's so immature" tirades.

Why do people get so caught up with the immature, naive, and prude people to begin with? What is there to complain about? The way I see it, you just got to let them be. It’s not like you're going to make an effort to change them - sooner or later they'll change on their own, or better yet you can just stay the hell out of their way. And my favorite part out of this whole thing is when people say something along the lines of "Omg everyone I meet are the same, why are they all so childish?" It’s not that hard to stay clear out of these groups of people (they exist everywhere, including people MUCH older than you all). If you're continuing to run into the same situations from high school, or better yet middle school, then perhaps you should think about what You're doing. If you yourself had the capacity to attract the "mature" people to begin with, you wouldn't have to sit there and complain about it in the first place. I don't think that most people think inwardly enough. It's always about others. And if you're going to think about others, the way to do it is to think from their point of view. Many answers can be found through this process, maybe questions about yourself that you have never asked.

People are people - you have to let them just be. World is a big enough place that one can find his or her spot in the right situation over time. There will always be people of different thoughts and spiritual qualities. We can't get caught up in that. Anyhow, I'm not directing this to anyone specific. I'm just kinda tired of hearing people complaining and thinking that they're so superior to others.

I've been attending Outfest in hopes of making new friends in LA. It's been an awesome experience, and I've already made many new acquaintances. I also managed to score three numbers (YAY). Haha I've actually never been asked out in a non club or bar environment until now. Being completely out in public still feels foreign to me. It's refreshing though to be in an environment where I don't have to feel like I'm being judged for being gay.

I finally performed my hour long piano recital the other day, and had this sweet recording set-up by my engineering friend. If any of you guys want to hear my recordings of Liszt, Ravel, Beethoven, Prokofiev and Chopin, feel free to ask! Hehe shameless self promotion =)

Ex-factor

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:08:03 GMT

I hate how ex boyfriends start changing themselves for the better after you break up with them. It's like, "why couldn't you have been like this when we were together!" Anyhow, I've been keeping contact with my ex from last year, ever since February, and it's apparent that he's overcome much of his insecurities and has gained more confidence. I'm really happy for him, but what the fuck. Shouldn't I have been the one benefiting from all of this since I helped him through all of his inner issues?! Argh. I guess I'm just a little bitter from the fact that he'll be a better boyfriend with his next boyfriend(s). I'm sure that's how relationships work out. All trial and error. But damn it, it sucks being shafted with the short end of the stick.

It also doesn't help that my ex is one of my best friends. I didn't realize how difficult it would be for lovers to be friends again. It doesn't feel good to be demoted.

PS. I know you're reading this Julian!

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 05:11:56 GMT

I heard a bit of poetry today that sort of struck me, here you go...

"There is something about how I met you, and you ignored me from the start. Making me want to work harder, trying to win your heart."

Isn't this just some sappy poetic description of the mind games we play? It's a classic, and sadly all too effective game we play. We play on that human tendency to value that which we don't have over that which we have easy access to. If you like someone and really want to hook them..is the most effective tactic to show your interest in an honest and straightforward way.. or do you play hard to get? The former tactic is only effective against those who have learned to value someone who is honest and sincere, the latter is effective against the other 90% of the population who would rather you play mind games with them to vie for their attention.

Anywho, moving to LA has been anti-climactic. Sure the beaches and the gay hotspots are only minutes away, but all of that doesn't matter when my friends aren't around anymore. Ever since I graduated, all my friends have dispersed far away, leaving me with only a handful of good friends here in LA, who barely even have any time to hang out. I know I should go and meet more new people. But how would you go and do that alone, in a non-academic environment? lol. All of this is foreign to me since I've been meeting people mainly through school (parties, organizations, etc.). I want to make more gay friends, but how would I go on doing that alone, since I don't want to rely on someone else to make friends. I don't necessarily want to go to bars and clubs by myself to meet people. Any suggestions?

Monday, June 30, 2008

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:05:15 GMT

Okay, here's something that's been bothering me lately. Serious question: If you are currently pursuing something that gives you a lot of frustration sometimes just because of the nature of the field, is it considered wimpy per se to perhaps quit pursuing it and do something else that might not be so frustrating? I mean, would that mean that you don't want to work harder, and that you're just quitting because you suck or because you're wimpy and don't want to deal with the frequent frustration?? And how do you know whether you're just not cut out for it, or that you're not working hard enough?? And how do you know if this questioning is really just because you're frustrated at the moment??

Oh life decisions

Edit: To clarify the situation, I'm currently pursuing work as a pianist/accompanist. I've been practicing my ass off so that I can perform at a few major music competitions, and get my name out there. However, the level of music that I'm playing now has become more and more difficult, and I'm not sure if I can compete with the other accomplished pianists. It's been frustrating trying to memorize more than a hundred pages of music within a strict deadline (I have a month!). Now I'm rethinking my plans of being a concert level pianist. This pursuing my dream thing seems impossible to attain. lol

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 06:18:57 GMT

You like me, you really like me! That was uttered by some actress when she won an oscar. Actually she didn't even really say that but that's what everyone remembers, and isn't that what's important? I think if I won an oscar that's what I would be thinking. I'd be like "Wow these people really do like me! They weren't just faking." I wish I could just know for sure if anyone liked me or not. Stop beating around the bush dammit!

Anyhow I'm grateful to have such great friends. Sometimes I'm a little bitch and take them for granted. I sure know better now than to ever put lovers above my good friends.

Major picture post dedicated to you great people who made this last year amazing. Ah memories

Je suis fini connards!

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 04:23:54 GMT

Let me set the scene. It's sixth grade. I'm sitting in health class, filling out some health questionaire. One of the questions says "What do you do after school?" In sixth grade, after school, I would do my homework. In my little sixth grade head, I figured everyone else hung out with their friends after school. So I lied and wrote down that I hung out with my friends. I thought I was so clever, now everyone would know I'm just like the rest of you. But as the health teacher made people read their questionaires, I realized no one had written about their friends. They all said that they did their homework. But it was too late now! So I said I hung out with my friends. And they knew. They all knew that I lied.

Long story short, I was a major loser in sixth grade. But don't cry for me. Most people were major losers in sixth grade.

Anyhow, I'm officially a college graduate now. Yay, and I'm finally moving to LA.

Goodbye desert, hello Westwood!!! =D

Tasty

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 19:34:42 GMT

Me and a group of friends went to K-town yesterday to eat live octopus at this specialty Korean restaurant on Olympic blvd. It was actually very delicious (pricey though!). Yes, we didn't eat it whole, mainly because the waitresses didn't want us to choke. So what you do is dip the tentacles into sesame oil, and you have to chomp it down before it moves and sticks inside your mouth.

haha warning for those easily grossed out

Mmmm

Friday, May 30, 2008

Fri, 30 May 2008 15:56:24 GMT

I love how the best things in life tend to happen when you least expect them...kind of like nonchalantly walking out into the street, only to get hit by a speeding car...but the car isn't a physical car, it's more like a "metaphorical car" of blessing, love, hope, and all sorts of good things like that...

Haha, so yeah...I'll stop now. I think that's one of the worse metaphors I've ever come up with.

So have you ever stayed up late at night thinking of great ideas for things you can do for other people (or for yourself)? It's like the ideas just keep rolling in...and all of them are SO GOOD...I'm so excited for the next day to come, because then I can put those thoughts to use. Then the next day comes, and I've lost any excitement for the plans I had made the night before, and I just scrap the whole idea. It's weird, but this has become like a habit for me...at least once or twice a week, when I'm up around 2 in the morning, I'll be listening to music, maybe writing something, and I'll start brainstorming all these ideas...stuff like a plan to surprise my mom with a present out of the blue, or to call a friend I haven't called in a long time and just let them I know miss them, or to write a note to someone to encourage them, or go to a retirement home to talk to the residents, etc...but then I fall asleep, the next day comes, and I never get around to doing that stuff. It frustrates me...

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Thu, 29 May 2008 04:12:16 GMT

Thank you guys for your comments. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through similar situations. I know I can't change my parents' stance on homosexuality, but I sometimes wonder if they would ever change their minds if they ever find out that their son is one of the "bad" people they talk about. I doubt it though. But I'm sure I'll get over that fact.

I told my mom yesterday that I don't intend to get married, and she immediately got angry and says, "Don't say that! Everyone deserves to have love! You're still too young to understand." I guess I should have faith and listen to her wisdom. I guess most of the time when I think about marriage, I think about divorce too and how rare it is for people to stay together. And I guess sometimes I don't think I'm worthy of such a love. I honestly do not know how my parents have stayed married for so long. I need to ask them and take some damn notes. Arghh maybe I'm too young to think about these things.

I saw Ray Bradbury two weeks ago on campus and I must say, he is an amazing individual. I grew up reading his works and having these wild fantasies about me being in space and meeting extraterrestrial life. He talked about how we shouldn't have left the moon and how we should have stayed there and built a base. He also talked about how we should build a base on Mars, and be Martians ourselves. What stuck me the most was when he told the audience, "You have to follow your passions no matter what. If you're not doing what you love and not waking up excited to do what you want to do, then I want you to reconsider everything that you're doing until you get that."

I want to be a concert pianist!

Anyhow on a side note, I went to Vegas this weekend with 20 other friends from school. I saw the Crystal Method at the Palms, and then ventured on to 5 other nightclubs all in one crazy night. I saw people openly snorting coke at the restrooms, multiple legs seen in bathroom stalls, people tripping out on whatever drugs were on, guys groping girls, guys groping guys. Sin city indeed. And I thought WeHo was shady! And it's ridiculous how women can always flirt their way through any situation. We managed to get into all the nightclubs for free (everyone else paid like $60-100!)

The view From our VIP table on the 3rd Floor at Rain. It looked like a sea of STDs.

The Crystal Method! Yeahhh