|
| so much for that talk with hilarie.im back to square one. back to practically hating roger. and i know after "the talk" with hilarie i admitted that most of the time i make roger seem like such a bad guy, but this time i don't know how to really put it.
i was so freaking happy.
for a really long time. i mean, with all the choir buddies, spending time with roger since he's been driving..life just seemed to go uphill since me and roger got back together. but i guess, like with all things renewed..it was just a high moment...a peak of happiness. and we're just falling downhill again.
i've been doing everything i said i was going to do...as always.i've been nagging less..if any at all..and im sure roger has been noticing that i've been trying. and yea, i guess he hasn't been so angry...due to the fact that i haven't been bitching.
so friday..it was cold and rainyand i woke up late..and didn't really have time to dress appropriately for the weather. just threw whatever on and went out the door...most of my clothes were in bags 'cause i had just done laundry. nutrition..roger noticed that i was shivering. we had both been really happy...he looked so cute...he did his hair..and he smiled the biggest smile i have seen in a while. so he offered me his sweater. mind you, it was the nicest way anyone could ever offer a sweater. he told me he had an extra one in the car...but i didn't really want to get it at nutrition..so i said "thank you" and we decided we'd get it at lunch. so after fourth period, it was lunch...and happy roger was gone. he had just woke up from sleeping in that class...and boy, was he cranky. suddenly, the sweet thing of offering me his sweater turned into a big scolding. he started cussing at me..saying that i was the most "ignorant, incompetent, stupid" person ever. he said that i should take better care of my body and stop depending on him to take care of me. i knew he was probably acting that way because he had just woken up, so i told him that he was just getting mad because he was cranky from his little nap. big mistake. i know he's right. i should've brought a sweater for myself...but its not like we were going out of his way to get it. he had one on..and just earlier..he offered it to me like it was nothing. so i asked him why he would just suddenly cuss the crap out of me...telling me that he hates stupid people like me...bitch and all...when just at nutrition he was all nice about it. and he told me that its just because he realized "how fucking stupid" i am. its not like the words hurt...but i hate walking with him when he's like that. i hate it when people stare at me...i can only hear their thoughts...why is she taking that from him? is she his bitch or something? and apparently, i am. he got freaking crazy over borrowing me a sweater! and to me..it just isn't worth it.
so we ended up not talking.afterschool..i told him that i didn't deserve to be yelled at...that he didn't have to cuss at me..over a sweater. and hes stubborn..and didn't want to back down. he told me that the reason we weren't good was because i wasn't fixing it. and i really didn't know what i was supposed to be fixing. what the heck did i do?? i was so freaking pissed. i was back to being the one who wanted to be good...and realized how stupid the freaking argument was. actually, it wasn't even an argument. it was just stupid. so i told jamie about it..and i think just as he was about to come up and talk to me..he heard me telling jamie just how stupid he was being..and he walked off like i changed his mind. dang.. if it could've ended there but it didn't 'cause of me...dang. that sucks. so he walked off all pissed off...and some guy ran into him or something..and roger got all hard like he always gets..and told him that he wants to fight or something. even stood there for a while waiting..as the guy was walking off laughing. he said something to him...but i told roger to shut up and go home. he always gets stupid when hes mad. and i didn't not want to have to come and save his ass from trouble....'cause i was already pissed off as it is.
in the car i noticed that i had a voicemail.i wish i had never checked it. it was roger saying this..."ey BITCH! dont even bothering calling me or anything 'cause i dont want to fucking talk to you today! im going to do whatever the hell i fucking want 'cause i dont give a fuck. FUCK YOU BITCH!" ...yea thats pretty much what i have to be patient with...all the time. he should've really said that he didn't want to talk to me at all...'cause i called him that day...and yesterday...and today...and he still doesn't want to talk.
and i didn't give in.i didn't leave him messages apologizing even though i shouldn't have to like i used to. i just told him that this was stupid...and the only thing i'd apologize for, if i did have anything to apologize for, was that i didn't bring a sweater. other than that...he had no right to humiliate me the way he did. i reminded him of the talk with hilarie..that he shouldn't be stupid over something like this. to just let it go. i found out today that he hasn't been checking them. and guess what? hes deciding to be an ass still. he doesn't want to talk to me today. and frankly, im tired of it.
i always have to be the bigger person.i always have to look past everything else...and see that i love him..and everything else is just pointless. i call not because i want him to win. i call because i love him. and thats more important to me than getting my point across. this is what i have to deal with. every day. and yea, i was happy for a while. but this...it just shows me so much. if roger ignores me over a stupid incident with a sweater, what about when we get married and the real issues occur? is he going to leave me and the kids? is he going to go off and cheat on me? i mean..it just shows me just how much patience he truly has. all the other times when he blew up..i mean, it was understandable. i'd say something that hurt him. but this? its a stupid sweater. and he wont talk to me...for 3 days.
he is my mirror.he does show me my flaws..he does show me my assets. but everyday, my belief that he is the only one that can do that, is fading. honestly, what this is..what he is putting me through...it is ultimately, making me a stronger person. but it can only make me better to a certain extent. pretty soon...im going to break and become weak. and all that stuff that built me up to this strong person i am...will be useless. i just feel really taken for granted. im still waiting on finding that one person who love me for everything i am. not love me mostly 'cause of all the good things, and hate me at the same time for the bad things. thats what roger's love is...love me for the good things, hate me for the bad.
i just want to know if this is all worth it.
"you're beautiful just the way you are. and i love it all. every line and every scar."
| | |
| i had the best weekend ever.
and although i should really be doing my homework right now..because i
am so way super behind, before i forget the details i need to go and
type this blog right now.
wintercamp '06 "simplicity" was simply amazing.
friday (2/17):
i had planned to go to school on friday since last year when i went with ucac we left pretty late and i still had time to pack afterschool, but this year i didn't since i went with ABCD youth at like 1:30. and yea...the ride there was soo fun. we rode in kuya jay's
(our uber cool youth pastor) rental van..(which was freagin sweet) and
we watched movies or attempted to watch movies. hahah. it was quite
difficult without a remote. and yea. fun stuff. did the usual camera
whore stuff. i watched the incredibles for the first time! and man..the jack jack
part freaked me out. hahahaha. good stuff. i guess it was
the car...where everyone was like..around the same age..and the car
where everyone who was in it hung out like the whole time at
wintercamp. we got at pine summit at around 6ish i think..and it was freezing! it was 29 degrees.
it wasn't snowing yet...we could still actually see the ground...but we
were all psyched! we were all starving...so we put our stuff in
the boys' house and we went to mcdonald's. oh man..that place is expensive up in big bear. and their fries were NAASSTTTYYY SALLTY! anyways, after eating, we had our first main session. the speaker was kent julian. he's a big deal in the christian&missionary
alliance world. great guy. he was talking about how
little we pay attention to God. that we put soo many things
before Him and act all christian-like at church...only to stray away
during the week. he told us that when he was young..he was
on a football team (i think) and every single one of his teammates were
amazing. yet, when it got time to their championship
game..everybody was so focused on their own game stats that they
lost. they were too self-involved and too selfish to even
remember that it wasn't about them...it was about the team.
ultimately, he asked us what we were playing for. were we living for ourselves? our names on the back of the jersey? or for God..the team on the front of the jersey. that
was probably one of the best analogies i heard. and it made a lot
of sense. a lot of us act like hypocritical christians..i know i do. sometimes its hard to even tell that we're christian. and that shouldn't be the case. our actions, words, and attitudes should reflect our love for God. so
we all headed back to the boys' house to discuss...and we were all
pretty pooped. the girls ended up leaving their house at like..11:30..which was passed the lights out curfew...OOOPS. we all ended up in the cabin jamie and i had last year...willow, cabin A. so tiny compared to the two-story house the boys got. so yea, we all took a shower..and had a girls talk til 2.
good stuff. minus the fact that when everyone was sleeping..i had
to get up in the middle of the night to throw up. 2nd year i had
to do that. i felt so weak i layed on the bathroom floor
for like..30 minutes. horrible feeling. other than
that...great first night.
saturday (2/18):
we woke up to a GREAT SNOW FALL. there
was inches of snow..just from that one night! saturday consisted
of a lot of free time. free time to be the usual camera whores...playing in the snow, etc. etc. meal times were a blast. so many inside jokes, laughing, cup games...ahh. i love wintercamp.
the filipino churches are always the loudest...but you can tell all the
other churches want to join in. i honestly didn't think it would
be as enjoyable as last year..i mean...paramount alliance church (PAC)
wasn't there! but it was soo fun. a lot better than last
year. the company really makes a difference. we had
one main session in the morning..and until 5...we had free time.
it was chill. more girl talk, more pictures...and auditions for
the talent show later that night. the night session was really
emotional. we all realized, after the message, that God wants to
help us. that He's just waiting for us to call Him to do
so. so many tears...so many realizations within ourselves. you just couldn't help but feel the support, the love, and the concern from everyone around you.
it was amazing. in a world full of hatred, its time like those
that really make you feel like...thats how God wants it to be.
and that there's hope out there.
the talent show started at 9ish. it was funnn stuff. i was the first one up! i sang more than words
and although it was totally unplanned and i messed up...i felt the
love. people were clapping, and waving their hands along. it felt
good. 480 people
watching...all in support. it was great. we had soo much
fun. our youth group took up much of the show. leah
sang the song she wrote...and the girls of our church were the only
ones jumping up and down and singing along. but she did soo
well. i love that woman.
by the end of the night i still had so much energy. but
everyone else was soo dead and wanted to go to sleep. lights were
out in our cabin by 12:30...so i just talked on the phone with roger. man did i miss that boy. and that was that. the end to an even greater day 2.
sunday (2/19):
everyone was pretty bummed that it was the last day. the last
session, the last breakfast and lunch in the humongo cafeteria...the
last time we were all together til next year. it was sad
stuff. probably the day we took the most pictures. but nonetheless, it was a great last day. we left at
like...2, came home around 6. and man..it felt good. going
with abcd was like having a church family again. like i finally belonged somewhere. i knocked out at like 8....and i had a happy sleep. 
disneyland w/choir (monday, 2/20)):
...it was the most fun i had at disneyland ever. it was a drag waking up early..for the last day of my practically 5-day weekend, but just knowing i was going to the happiest place on earth
made it all worth while. i woke up at like..6:00am, did my
hurr..and it was pretty quick. i did it in like..15
minutes. then i ate cereal and went on my way to school. i
was freaking hyper and energized for someone who hadn't been in a
comfortable warm bed for the last 3 days. thats just the lauren way.
im very easily pleased. im just a naturally happy person.
im up and ready for anything. anyway, i got dropped off at school
by my dad, he gave me money, i put my duffle bag in a mom's car, and
met up with everybody. i was soo bummed that i had to take off my
pine summit wrist band ...i
usually wear those kinds of things for like..months. stupid
performance. the bus ride there was pretty chill. just
listened to the mini. disney songs, of course. i was so excited. but deep down, i was kind of scared. i was soo afraid of feeling lonely since roger
wasn't going, and i was dreading the moment when the fireworks would
come on...and i would have no one there to share it with.
boy, was i wrong! the day was soo amazing! randolph, antonia, jerber, andrew, cathy, devin, polly, paris, emily, jamie, wally, ria, and ken really made my day!! ..even though i was the crazy one most of the time..it was freaking great. minus the anna crap...man, that girl is annoying. she kept cussing..and really LOUD too. it was just too much for me, antonia, emily, jamie, and cathy's christian ears...ESPECIALLY AT A KID PLACE LIKE DISNEYLAND! I MEAN, C'MON!!
i was soo hyper. we would sing, harmonize like..every thing we
saw, talk fobby, scream like little biotches on rides, scare each
other...oh man it was soo...ahh..i loved it. it was like
wintercamp meal time all over again. everyone would
stare..wishing they were at disneyland with us. i felt like we lost a good 2 hours though. i mean..i know we went there to sing..and it was a free ticket,
but man, we were at DISNEYLAND..and we had to be at a certain place for
2 HOURS. that's like...a good 2 rides we missed out
on! overall, it was the one of the best days of my life. it felt good hanging out with someone other than roger this
weekend. i mean, don't get me wrong i love him soo much and i
cherish every single moment i have with him. but until this
weekend, i was kind of skeptical on whether i could still be me and have the best time of my life without the one person who truly accepted me. before roger i remember people thinking.."what the heck is wrong with that girl? she is soo weird..." i mean, i was never an outcast...but sometimes i would be too weird. people would laugh..but i was still considered "immature", you know? when roger
came along, i found someone who could accept me and my humor...and
just..have fun with me, without worrying about what other people
think. i don't know..it just felt good to laugh and go crazy with
people again...we're all grown up..but we're still little kids at the
same time. especially hearing like.."i wouldn't have had as much fun if you weren't here, lauren" or "you're so freaking hilarious" ...ahh. i love love. plus, it was the day me and my boyfriend, polly were
established. and the first day i went clubbing......at club buzz.
hahahahaha. anyways, i definitely want to hang out with these
people more often because i haven't laughed like that in a looong
time.
for pictures, go to my myspace blog :)
til next time....
| | |
| thanks to everyone who gave me advice and were just there. it really gave me insight & comfort.
yet..when it comes down to it..
i got the best advice today...from a person i would have never expected it from.
so..yesterday was hell for me. actually...let's back track.
valentine's day...
...was actually good. we acted like nothing happened. and i was
his girlfriend for the day. he said he wanted to be with me by
the end of the night...and when i asked him what exactly he was going
to change he just said.."[his] whole aspect of things"....then,
when i wanted more..he went bizerk. i just needed to hear it from
him...straight out..point by point..'cause it definitely wouldn't have
been the first time he slightly went back from his promise.
then..he calls me in the middle of the night..and tells me he never
wants to be with me ever again. now...on to yesterday....
i gave back roger's
stuff (that he gave me) back to him in the morning..and right when i
turned around..i cried like a baby. the whole day was downhill
from there. he didn't want to talk to me..and said if he could
ignore me forver he would. i was so hurt by that...and i cried
practically the whole day. everyone probably thought i was crying
'cause we broke up..which isn't true...because we broke up on saturday
and i was fine..i just didn't want it to end like that. i was okay eventually not on the inside..but enough to fake it on the outside. i came home..blah blah blah...and had a great conversation with cathy truong.
i know..totally random riight? well..it was good
nonetheless. she understood so much..and made me feel so much
better than i was feeling. i know i wasn't supposed to
write in my xanga, cathy, but
this is going to be a good one i promise. so i had a pretty
depressive day. went to sleep. same ol' same ol'. everyone
kept treating me like i lost someone like..physically, and like..my dog
died or something. it was kind of humorous.
anyway....
today i was sincerely okay. i was laughing and smiling. i didn't want to think about any of it. i was taking cathy's advice and making him see that it's his loss. i still want him to go to disneyland though. i mean...we've never really had a bond of friendship....we
built one while we were together...and i just wanted the chance to
maybe have that kind of bond. i didn't need to be with
him...but i still wanted him in my life. so i wrote him a page
long letter telling him that i wanted him to come....(which probably
seems stupid to some of you) but i still love him..and there's nothing
wrong with wanting him there for me. so judge all you
want. the letter was a success. not sure on whether he's going still...but he was actually smiling. he hugged me..and we were talking. i think it was the first time in a long time where i was just nice...with nothing bad to say.
during lunch roger told me that beeken wanted to talk to us. and although i cringed at the fact that i was probably going to break down and cry if we did...beeken helped us through a lot of shit last year...and i was looking forward to his wise words again.
that was the conversation that we needed to have from the start.
at first...roger was being
pretty stubborn..like he was a wall that no one could tear down.
i did most of the talking..and for the first 10 minutes..i wasn't
crying. i always felt open with beeken like his urge to know and help was real. so i told he and hilarie (his gf since forever..literally) our situation. i can't really say what exactly what was said..but it was amazing. roger and i were there for an hour just talking about everything. and i realized soo much. beeken had to leave after about 30 minutes...but hilarie was great. i cried the whole time she was talking to us. she told me and roger that her and beeken had been together for 23 years i think...and they never, ever broke up. she told us they had fights..and cussed the crap out of each other..but they never, ever
once gave up on each other. they never went to bed mad
either. at first i thought..yea...whatever..thats what she's supposed to say. but dang..is she a smart person. she told me to realize that everytime roger blows up...to stop and think..."out of 100000 things he could've lost his temper over...this is just one thing...and to remember he's trying that hard..." and he always tells me that i never see that he is trying...and what she said...i could tell he totally felt it. she also told him that whenever i nag to remember that there are a million other things i could've nagged about...and this is just one thing. she told us that the worst things to do is give up and say that you don't care. i looked at roger...and he did both of those things. she said that the
only reason you should give up on someone is if you know deep down that
there's someone else out there who would stand by you and you know that
there's someone else out there who would try to make you the best you
can be--more than the person sitting right next to you ever could.
and i cried so much when she said that. because i looked at
him..and he's the only one who i felt that way about. she said
that so many people miss out on being in relationships...because you
can benefit soo much from being in one. she said that being
with that person everyday is like a mirror...that shows you both your
flaws and your assets...and waking up every morning and facing that
mirror everyday is worth all the pain you go through..because your
mirror is the only thing that is true..that would never lie to
you..even when you don't like it. she told us that
when times get hard..and you really just don't want to do it
anymore...instead of giving up..she said to take one day to just say
nice things. before beeken left...he asked me when was the last time i said something purely nice to roger...with no strings attached, for no reason. and i honestly didn't know. and it was like BAM..i really do underappreciate him. like
our valentine's day..that was a good day..even though we had
problems...sometimes its best to pretend nothing happened. she
said we have a million years to talk about our troubles..and to just be happy..even if its just for a day. she said that we
are too vulnerable right now..and instead of trying to fix the
problem...we should just let it be for now. because saying mean
things and hurting each other will just make us feel worse than we
already do. she knew me and roger better than we knew ourselves. she knew roger had
something deep inside that was bugging him...because she could tell
just by talking to us that he had been resenting me...for a long
time. she told him that she could tell that he just dragged
along through life...that everyday was routine..and he just got up
everyday to get up everyday. like there was no feeling
in anything he did. and she said the same thing beeken said. she told us the core problem of both of our emotions is the fact that roger quit all-male. i had no idea he cared about it soo much...that it was his passion...he didn't even know it til this year. and it came out.
he still resented me for kind of making him quit. and it all made
sense. this whole time...him never thinking he was causing
problems, that i didn't appreciate him, all those things that urked
me...it was all because he thought quitting was enough to prove to me
that he cared that much. that him giving up what he loved
to do meant he probably didn't have to do much else. and i felt
soo bad. i looked at him..and i saw it in his eyes. he missed it. really missed
it. she told him that he needs to let the resentment go...and to
find other ways to express his passion. she asked me why i kind
of made him quit in the first place..and basically, it was time.
i told her the team schedule..and she made me feel so horrible...but in
a good way. she made me look at beeken's life and the fact that he's always at school...day in and day out...but she doesn't mind...because that's what he loves
to do...and she supports him. if only i had known..i
would've never said the things i used to say..that he was picking the
team over me...that he didn't want to spend time with me. roger, im so sorry. she also told roger that he can still dance...just as long as he makes one day just for me. she told us that our biggest problem was letting go of things.
she said that we obviously still had something there...because we
wouldn't be as emotional as we were if we didn't..and it was way too
strong to let go. she told us that the first 7 years of her
and beeken's relationship were
hell...but afterwards...it was amazing and totally worth it. i
laughed and told her that that is a really long time..and she told us.."hey, you're already half way through...you guys will make it."
and for the first time in my life..i realized how selfish i was.
i look back at my entries..and even though i didn't mean to..i made roger
sound like such a jerk. i think i probably would get tired of me
to. i mean..i see him..and i thank him soo much for doing this
with me. everything. so
by the end of it all..she asked us to not think like we're broken up
for a while but instead to just be nice to each other and
appreciate. truly appreciate..and we'll be fine. roger told
me i was beautiful and it was the first time i didn't question
it. i just accepted it. we hugged her and thanked
her. and boy, did i really thank her.
so we walked out..kind of surprised at how much one conversation
could make us realize so many things on so many levels. i
mean..your friends say the same things. but when does someone
truly look outside the box..and look at both of your sides...not just
one? it was just...refreshing to hear someone that wasn't telling
you that you were right...that we both could work on things.
i guess you can say we made up.
but we are definitely not perfect. i know what some of you are
thinking. some of you are probably disappointed..that i gave
in..AGAIN. but im in love. and hes my mirror. im
going to have to face it sometime. and even though some of
you may still think he's a humongous jerk...hes my humongous jerk...and always will be. you just had to be there today in that classroom, talking to hilarie. before today...i knew i didn't want to be with him. but sometimes it takes advice from an unexpected person to truly
get your senses knocked into you. i finally
understand. and i think he finally understands me. i think
talking to those two should be a consistency.
so he took me home. and i got all the stuff back. i wanted
them back the whole time anyway. i was just trying to be a tough
ass like everybody wanted me to.
and jenny, if you're reading this...talk to beeken. it will really do you some good.
damn..they're amazing. i hope me and roger grow to have half as much love as they do.
puhh..and people thought 4 years was amazing.
i love you roger nguyen.
and im sorry..i really, really am.
| | |
|
no comments on the last blog.
but hey...this isn't for you guys, right? its for me. it'd still be nice to get the feedback and advice i used to get.
so me and roger broke up again.
only this time, im not so bummed. basically all the stuff that
built up...just exploded and it was over just like that. i asked
him whether i thought he was better than me...and he just straight out
said yes. he didn't like the way i reacted either. i
started to complain..and ask him how he could say such a
thing. it hurt really bad.
it just put things in perspective for me. i saw that he
definitely does not see me the way i see him. i seriously love
him sooo much..and its not that perfect bible verse kind of love...but
its a love that attempts to attain that kind of love. and i dont know..his not being a christian...it
probably has something to do with that. no patience, no
understanding....and my being a christian...that has something to deal
with us big time. because i am, i try that much harder...because love endures everything.
that's why i wasn't so bummed at us ending...because if it really is
that bible verse kind of love...it'll work out. just...the
last thing he said to be on the phone..it was a burn. "its over then...i hope you burn in hell, lauren."
ouch. actually, mega-stab-me-in-the-heart-why-dont-you?
ouch. i cried...for such a long time. it was
like..hurt after hurt. so i talked to my cousin michelle and
she gave me the slap i needed to get for a long time now. i
always knew i could do better...and i always knew i didn't truly
deserve this..but she gave me the slap that needed to really kick it in
gear. its just so hard to find people that truly care about you, you know? when im bummed...its stephanie and serina that take me out and talk about it. and 2 of my cousins: michelle and krizia.
everyone else either don't have time...or just don't care. so to
hear words like that coming from the one person that cares the most hurt
like a mother function. i have a few friends that listen to
me...but its not a consistency..and isn't that what friendships
are? i miss having such a tight group. i mean, i do..but its all fun and games. no one truly understands. roger is so lucky in that sense. he has his boys. and i have....yea, anyways. this is not really a break up. i went to alvin's party last night, basically so i could show roger that i dont need him
to go to social things. and it was okay...until all the girls
left. i went for a walk outside by myself. sat on a
curb thinking..and roger
eventually followed. it was stupid. he didn't come out to
talk or apologize or anything..just to tell me to come inside 'cause i "might get hurt."
later, we did talk though. we walked to the park. i told myself i
wasn't going to cry. i did not want to be with him. i just
wanted closure before i could be on my way to being okay. so we
talked...and it was a much more pleasant conversation. NOT PLEASANT.
but a lot more pleasant than the last one. i ended up
crying. i thought about how much i put into the relationship...4 years...4
long, hard, yet beautiful years. and it was just...it
hurt. i felt like he was giving up on me...and i just broke
down. i told him he was the only thing that really
mattered...ever... since
i met him...that i everything i did...was for him...and the only reason
i was going on was because of him. i felt like it was God's
challenge for me. he looked at me...and asked "really?" and i looked straight up at him...with tears in my eyes and said.."yes, roger..really. you knew that. you knew that you're the only one that mattered." and
i just bawled. i couldn't look at him like that...and tell him
how i felt..knowing that he didn't feel the same as i did.
he went down to my level...kept wiping my cheeks 'cause the tears just
wouldn't stop coming and apologized. apologized for the things he said, the way it ended, and the way i felt that he obviously didn't feel back. he told me that he never meant to hurt me..and that it wasn't over for us. we just need time.
and i dont want to be with him. i didn't need a conversation to
try and convince him that i wanted to be his girlfriend. i just
needed to let him know that i needed him to prove to me that it was
going to be different the next time we are together. or..at least we'd both try for it to be different. not just me. i kissed him..and hugged him for a long time. and said "goodbye..." to only hear him say, "its not goodbye...its see you later, lauren...i love you..i want to be with you. its not over for us..it never will be."
so we're okay.
nothing really stale. or building up. im not even
waiting for him. just...letting it be. i have closure
now at least. and i can accept things the way they are...because i
understand.
valentine's day is going to suck.
i still asked him to be my valentine. and we're still getting
each other things. but this is going to be maximum
weirdness. my last valentine's day sucked ass
too. if anyone remembers..it was the valentine's day where
i cried my freagin' eyes out 'cause roger was being totally unfair and unreasonable. i got a lot of hugs that day at least. dang. horrible holiday.
on top of it all...
me and my mommy...not so good. still can't get
along. just waiting for her to go to the philippines.
it could be a vacation for the both of us.
however, on a lighter note...
winter camp '06 is on the way. and disneyland with choir right after. i love the AFC (association of filipino churches)
youth. oh man..its going to be spectacular. i need
some alone time with the big man upstairs. it will be good
for me. i hope it snows.
until next time....
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| whoa, this week was crazy. not so much over school or work or anything...but man, was this week crazy!
it started off pretty bad...
me and roger ended up calling it quits again.
and the day after...we had the most horrible fight--probably the most horrible because it was in person. and this time, he COULDN'T hang
up on me. afterschool, we went and got ice cream..and
decided to go back to his house to talk. and we did. but it
wasn't a good talk. not at all. i can't say what exactly
was said...but i absolutely DID NOT
expect him to react the way he did. he was yelling so loud that
the neighbors could probably hear him. then, i wanted to just
give up...told him i was going to walk home...because i didn't want to
be in the car with him if he did take me home. he refused at first (i mean, c'mon..he was mad...but he cares about me...he's not going to make me WALK HOME)...but
i kept insisting and he took my stuff from out of the car..set it
aside...and drove out..yelling at me to grab my stuff and "walk home then." so...i did...and started to walk...but deep inside, i really didn't want it to end that way...so i said..."you know what? i really don't WANT TO walk home...but if you're not going to talk to me anymore..then im not staying here."
and whoa, sally..did it go downhill from there! he told me
he had nothing to say to me if i was going to ask stupid questions like
"how do you know you're in love with me?" and stuff. and i know, i know..those are
stupid questions...but i have my reasons, i promise. it's not
like i doubt his love or anything...it's more like i want to make sure he doesn't
doubt it...no matter what. psshh..if that makes any
sense. so anyway...i continue walking..and he screams out
that he hates me...and to get out of, and i quote, his "fucking life"..and
man, those words really stung. i broke down..but i told myself
not to turn around...not to make him want me to get back in the car
just because i was crying.
he ended up yelling for me to get back in the car..and as bad as i
didn't want to, i wanted to fix things...so i got in. i
sure regret that now. roger was
cursing outrageously....and he was soo angry, i was honestly scared for
my dear life. it was really noisy. i was crying, he
was yelling...he could barely drive. i kept panicking...telling
him to pull over before we got into an accident. it was really scary.
he pulled over...and asked me what there was left to talk about....it
was crazy. we'd talk..i'd say something...he'd say
something...i'd ask a stupid question...he'd get frustrated and
yell...and he would start driving all crazy again.
after circling the whole edgewood area, we both finally got calm enough to talk. really.
i told him that the only reason i ask such "stupid" questions is
because what he says to me...all the hurtful things..i know deep down
he doesn't mean them...but they still get to me..and i need some reassurance that those negative feelings don't get in the way of the positive
ones. and i dont ask for that much...one call out of the blue at
least once a week...just so there's still excitement there, you
know? i don't know. but we talked about it...and
reached compromises. it was good. but it took a long time
to get to good.
the rest of the week was pretty chill.
...did pretty standard stuff.
school, homework, blah. other than the fact that i was freakishly
ill most days...it was a lot less hectic than usual. by the way...i think i did good on my math quiz today. yes!
today was the 4th annual LEOS fashion show.
great success. i seriously only practiced when we would at
school..which was i think...2 or 3 thursdays. it was really
fun..and the turn out was great. the models were hott. oh
yea...sheila...boma...kathlyn...strut it! and the performers did wonderful. well..most of us. I LOVED THE SKIT! FUNNY SH*T! what? it rhymed. .hehe.
i love my friends. 
they make me happy.
their shouts and cheers made me that much more confident.
seriously, the support of your friends...and your boyfriend..omg, it
was wonderful. i felt the love. today was great. it really
was. minus the drama with the mother. cried for about an hour
after the show. just thought it was uberly gay that she wouldn't
let me go out after the show.....but hey, its over now...and after
blabbing on about me and roger...im sure as heck not going to drag you into family drama. drama with the mama. hahaha. i just prayed...like i always do when i have a problem. God will speak to my mom for me..especially when she won't hear me out.
...did i mention how much..i love my friends???
all of them. every single one. kyle with
his compliments of my looks. saying i look really
pretty...especially without make-up, my eyes are amazing, and my dress
was pretty. my girls...for listening to me vent about my drama. my boyfriend..for supporting me and telling me i'll do great. hugs, screams, cheers from everyone. ahh.....
..dang. now my mom is fighting with my dad. she's extremely irritable today. poop.
i have more drama....i vented it with my girls, serina and steph.
they're there for me like no other. today...tonight...they're
awesome. ..but that..i will save for another night.
the boyfriend is waiting for me to call.
i just want to be happy. no more stress.
...at least for the rest of tonight.
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