I'm home. We got back around 2. And I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. Really, it started yesterday. Now, everythings too much. All of the things that are still in my room. All of the ideas that are in my head, all of the lack of calm and creativity and the contact from somebody I didn't expect it from so soon. I'm losing again. What is it about this place? I was so calm when there was nothing, when I was at Tylers and half a mile out on the bay, in the sand, in that wasteland of dead horseshoe crabs and snails, clams buried 6 inches under, spewing out water, the tide pulling little rivers through the sand that remained and the heat beating down on my neck and face while the much stuck to my feet and ankles and stunk of rotting death. That empty little town that wasn't really so empty. And the trip down island to buy my globe and the climb to the lighthouse Friday morning. I was still there. I'm not anymore. But I'm not here either. Whats happening to me?

Ride home quotes:

Jacob: Oh look a coin laundry. I knew there were money launderers here.

Jacob: Oh look, one of those stupid Korean churches
Mom: Is Juan korean or chinese?
Jacob & I: He's mexican!
Jacob: Besides, all korean males spike their hair..
Dad: Not at the korean market.

Mom: See? A police car!
Dad: Where, in the poison ivy?

Its more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
till I see marianne walk away
I see my marianne walkin away
When Im tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped away she slipped away
-------------------------------------------------------
Hey, my high power
The world is spinnin', but I'm not afraid
Yeah, give me the power It's the beginnin', the beginnin' of another day.
Yeah
Let me hold you
Take me back into the secrets of my mind
Let me know you

I love Boston. More than a feeling. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I can't put a word to the situation, its indescribable because it fits both ways. I dont know. Since I started getting up at 8 am every day and eating because I have to eat to take 5 pills, theres less thinking. I get more sleep, least, on the days I'm not up until 4 doing things with a boy. Sexual activity relieves so much stress. 4 days without it is too long. I havent showered or packed for the shore yet. My procrastination for this is out of control. I'll be at Tylers for 3 days. I'm pleased about that. Ill be going to his place Monday. I have to buy deodorant and get money out of the bank. Fuck, I only have $25. Ugh, I dont feel like doing anything. I told tony he should text me while im away. Idk, Ill be texting a bunch of people anyway. I shouldnt, cause its vacation and the idea is to get away. Meh, if they text me first I'm good. After wed I'll be happy about it at least. My minds rather blank right now, its nice. Work was good tonight. I ran around sweating my ass off for a while. My pen kept stopping its ink flow. I hate that. This morning. This morning was nice. My friend was over. I wish I could write about it on here, but I can't. I can't tell if Tony was actually annoyed I called him a spic. He's not. I don't recall properly why I said that. Fuck, who cares. Didn't mean it. My external hasn't failed. The new one I mean. I'll kill somebody if it does. Preferably the guy I bought it from at bestbuy. I need to stop spending my money. My parents screamed at each other today, so I went for a walk and sat under the bridge at the end of mill. My friend and I sat down there. I like it there. I miss certain aspects of being in a relationship, but I dont want to be in one. I dont want the obligations. But I miss the closeness. I like being alone sometimes, but I dont like it at night. I dont know why. In the morning I can do anything but by nightfall I lose my edge and crack a little. It's been lesser lately. [shrugs] I havent got much to say tonight. Eve of my vacation. I shouldnt be writing so much. Rochelle has yet to tell me her response to that picture. Hes...mm. lol. Since I finished going through all my muse files I've listened to them less. Their music is so heavy with emotion and I need something lighter. My mp3 player has everything I'll need for the shore. And I'm still waiting for my grandmother to go. I read that entry at the bottom of the page and I'm surprised by my own sheer cunning with words. That sounds selfish. But the way I wrote that was so fucking straight. I was so angry and unhappy. Ive been angry and unhappy since. But the last 6 or 9 lines. Can't explain it, but the wording was just..perfect. Everythings mellowed since then, except my trust. I don't trust anything right now. Or anyone. I wish I could. I wish I would. But people keep doing things that breaks even the hope for trust. I wish someone would work their ass off for my trust. I work my ass off to let myself trust people, but I dont. [sighs] I've gotta shower, and pack. This entry was mindless. I've been really into msi lately. Really fucking into them. Gotta burn Tony and Brian their cd's. JR and I had a decent conversation yesterday. He thinks brian and I have a thing too. Fucking retard. We just play it up for our own amusement. Brians a fantastic friend, and I could never put him in any other category. He's just fantastic. Now for real, I'm gonna go shower and pack. Fuck. Do NOT feel like it.