New xanga:

http://www.xanga.com/blind_to_the_light

Life can be so depressing.

I sit around and think of all the things I have to do to ease my anxiety, and then I blow everything off to go hang out at some random place of my choosing. I wish I could actually get away with that. I just want to blow off the important things and just have fun.

I had a great night tonight in the parking lot of Chef Alan's. Hung out with Steve, Jamie, Moosh, Richard, Amanda, Brian, Charles, Larry, and Sarah. Jamie gave me a ride home. He's so great :)

I've met a lot of people in the last two days. Yesterday I hung out with Steve, Jamie, Brian, Alex, and Moosh and then we ran into Richard and Charles at Denny's. I've been in a good mood.

I had a killer headache yesterday that ran into today. This morning, instead of waking up, I took 3 Advil, a Benadryl, and a Zyrtec. I was zonked. I felt like I was floating on air all day. ::sigh::

I'm feeling the anxiety again. And it doesn't help that I left all my books and CD's over at my mom's. I have so much AP reading to do that I can't think of anything else. I just need to get it over with.

I want....to be free.

Currently Reading The Truth About Forever By Sarah Dessen see related

This life is shit. Ever since I got home, I've been home. I haven't been able to hang out with any of my friends, with the exception of Steve but then again not really, and I'm so lonely. And out of cigarettes. There is no hope of consolation. I'm just back in depressed mode. I have a boyfriend who's afraid of commitment, my best friend is in Europe for the remainder of the month, and Courtney's always working, and Rachael's just not calling me back.

I've been trying to come to terms with a lot of things going on in my life, but whenever I start to think I just can't bear dealing with anything alone, and then I realize that there's no one I can talk to. I've been on the verge of tears for a while, but I just can't seem to let go. I haven't cried since the day I talked to Lori Henry. That was a bad, bad day.

Today my mom came into my room when I was reading and proceded to discuss my sister's current situation with her mental health. Apparently she had a freak-out session on Father's Day, when I wasn't home. So my sister is supposed to be getting therapy, which she refuses to go to, and now she's on a screaming rampage upstairs, where just moments ago she tried to beat the crap out of me over a shirt. My shirt. My shirt that she was wearing. But she was so adamant that it was hers. My mom said that she wonders when we're all going to just commit suicide, and that she would have done it already. She said that she didn't know how I could handle it. And the truth is, I can't handle it. And slowly my grip on life is slipping and when I lose it, no one is going to be there to hold on to me, no one is here now.

Right now all I want is a pink Gerber daisy. It sounds weird, but it reminds me of the times I was happy, like when I got a daisy for Donie's birthday, a beautiful spring day when everything was okay. Or the time I was on my break from camp with Jenny, just relaxing with my daisy in the ice cream parlor while we watched the clock, watching the seconds tick away until we had no time left for silence.There's a Gerber daisy on the front cover of the book I bought today. It's there like a reminder that what I want isn't palpable. It's just there, taunting me. And all I want to do is hold onto it and have it and breathe it...and remember.

Currently Reading Solitary Witch: The Ultimate Book of Shadows for the New Generation By Silver Ravenwolf see related

Ah, gone are the days when I update my xanga on a regular basis...

For all of you who haven't heard...live journal is where it's at.

www.livejournal.com/users/whiteroseforyou

I'm in Florida right now. My flight to go back home leaves in two and a half hours. I can't wait. I just want to sleep in my own bed, eat my own food, hang out with my friends, and get in trouble. Ah, yes, I miss the good old days of trouble.

My friends are gone. Steve is on a Caribbean cruise. Beth is in Europe. Courtney and Rachael are always working. And I don't know Donie's number off the top of my head.

I miss my boyfriend. I've been thinking about him everyday. It's been so long. The last time I saw him was almost three weeks ago for only two hours. ::sigh::

My paycheck is almost gone. I've been charged so much in ATM fees since I've been here that I think nearly twenty dollars have gone to the bank. Somehow I need to pay back all of my debts and treat my boyfriend to dinner and pay for my own movie ticket to see "The Notebook." I'm so excited for that movie. I read the book and I cried for the entire second half. I imagine that the movie will be worse.

I read an entire 200-some page novel yesterday. I'm so bored.

Well, the time has come for me to leave for the airport. I don't know what else to say.