After every semester at STLCOP, I feel like I change.  I change in the fact that I'm a whole bunch smarter, both by the books and socially.  I feel I have grown so much, and I thought I was ready to take on the world when I graduated from high school.  Sure, there are still little things about me that are immature, and I know that small things add up to big things, so I know I'm not ready to be on my own yet.  However, it doesn't mean that I should give up and accept the fact that I'm still using my parents for many things (like food, shelter, water, tuition).  Instead, I see it as an opportunity to use this time I have in college to prepare for the real world.  In fact, I'm sure almost everybody does. 

Anyway, as I was studying for my finals, I had nothing but the school material on my mind, and the fact that the girl I loved broke up with me had not sunken in yet.  Today was really the first time that it hit me. 

Since yesterday, I have been volunteering at the nursing home up the street from my house.  It has been quite an experience.  Every person I talk to or help is so happy and grateful to see me.  They are all really impressed by the fact that I'm actually volunteering - not doing it because of a requirement for school.  On top of that, they also love the fact that I'm going to school to become a pharmacist.  They all really respect pharmacists and like to talk to me about their medications.  Granted, I'm no pharmacist yet, and I my knowledge of the medications they talk about is very basic from what I have learned through IPP, Bio, and Anatomy, but they really think I know a lot.  For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was touching the lives of others.  Going back to high school, during my freshman year, I had some rough and depressing times with girls,  I can't think of anything or anyone in particular, but my mindset was set like the whole world was against me.  I felt helpless, but it was at this point that I decided I wanted to help people.  I didn't know how I was, but that was what I wanted to.

(OK, after typing a really long paragraph for fifteen minutes, I accidentally pushed something, and it said I opened a new tab, so I’m sorry if these next paragraphs aren’t up to par because I am really ticked off right now that I lost so much work from my xanga.  From now on, I’m going to type them in Word and paste it to this site … gosh I’m so frustrated)

Volunteering at the nursing home has brought me some great joy.  These people have so many experiences that they love to share to us.  They just really appreciate that there is somebody who is willing to sit down, take time out of their day, and listen to what they have to say.  At first, I am always hesitant to talk to a patient.  They look like they are about to keel over and die, you have to repeat a lot of things to them because they either can’t hear you or understand what you are saying the first time, and they smell funny.  However, once I look past all of this, I find that these people are just like us.  They’ve all gone through the same things as us, had the same problems as us, everything most people go through in their lifetime.  I mean, they grew up, went to school, got a job, got married, and they lived happily ever after, right?  They have some of the neatest stories as well.  I’ve always wanted grandparents who would sit down and tell me about how life was back when they were young.  Unfortunately, one is dead, another can’t speak English, and the other two I barely see.  Anyway, today I talked to one person in particular who served in the army.  In fact, he served in World War II on the front line.  He told me about how he trudged through the water on June 6, 1944 during Disembarkment Day, how there were bullets flying everywhere and that it was a miracle he wasn’t killed.  He also told me about how he was shot in the back and didn’t even feel it.  Then, he moved on a couple years in time to how his son was in the control/command center for NASA back in 1969 when America made its lunar landing, thus winning the space race to the moon.  While the stories themselves are incredible, I find the look they give me after they are done telling me them the most rewarding.  How they are so happy that I stopped by and sat down to talk to them, acted like I was really interested, enthusiastic, and actually cared about the subject (all of which are true, I didn’t just act).  In just the two days I had been there (today and yesterday), I many of the patients know my name and love seeing me in the halls.  I actually went there more times over the summer, but I wasn’t met with the same response with one exception of an old lady that took down my name and address who said she was going to write my parents a letter about how proud they should be of me.  With this big of a difference, I can probably credit my most recent success to this past semester.  I’m pretty sure that my increase in patient centered care came from a little of IPP and a little from Professional Communications, but mostly from Topics in Pharmacy Care: Community Service.  The words of Dr. Zlatic still play through my mind – “there is no naked perception,” meaning that there are many ways to look at things, depending on what “lens” you use.  Through this class, I learned about empathy and patient care, which for once, really made me sure that I wanted to become a pharmacist.  All of the patients I talked kept telling me how important of I job I was going to have and how they thought the doctors didn’t know anything about the medications – the pharmacist did.  Trying to stay “professional,” I told them that they can’t stereotype all doctors like that, because some of them really do know what they are prescribing and how it will work to help them.

As I was volunteering there, I could see why some of the patients get frustrated or angry at the workers.  While I was transporting a patient back to her room, I was suddenly hit with a whole bunch of patients asking for my help.  I had another lady ask me to transport her back to her room, a lady who was asking where the bathroom was, and another lady cry out from her room that she needed a nurse.  Immediately, I asked the podiatrist (or foot doctor as the patients call him) to help the lady to the bathroom, and I asked the people at the desk in front of me to help the patient in room 2108.  As I finished taking the first patient to her room, I came back and found that a nurse still hadn’t gone to her at room.  She sounded so desperate for a nurse, which kind of made me angry that the people at the desk didn’t listen to me.  Again, I walked up to the desk and asked if they could get a nurse to room 2108.  However, they didn’t even stop their conversation to look at me.  Then I raised my voice and asked if there was a nurse anywhere.  All four of the ladies there just looked at me and started laughing.  Then one of them said in a really rude tone of voice “no, there aren’t any nurses here.”  Again, they all started laughing at me.  Then I sternly said “No, I’m serious, there is a patient in room 2108 that needs help.”  More laughing at me.  Then, one of them said in a serious voice that they were all nurses, and asked why the patient needed help.  I responded by saying that I didn’t know, she just really wanted to see a nurse.  Finally, one of them got up and headed over there.  On my way back down the hall, it really gave me a bad impression of nurses, and how there should be a nurses code of ethics that had patient centered care as one of the priorities.  This also motivated me in saying to myself that I am going to be one of the best pharmacists Walgreens ever saw, providing the best patient care they had ever seen.  The patient could have been dying of a heart attack for all I know, but the nurses didn’t take my plea for help, as well many of the other patient’s pleas for help seriously.  From my service learning class, I have learned that even though in our eyes, something seems really simple, it could be an emergency to another person.  We just have to learn to see it from their point of view.  I think this care that I show the patients living there makes all the difference to them, because the people who work there don’t show as much as I do.  Even though this whole last paragraph makes me feel and sound really conceited, it’s honestly the way I feel.

As I mentioned before, today is the first time that my girlfriend breaking up with me has really hit me.  I loved her, she was the world to me.  I still do love her, which makes it so hard to move on.  The fact that I don’t think anyone could treat her as well as me or love her as much as me makes it that much harder.  I’ve been through this whole things before, and I can’t say it’s easier the second time around, but it’s different.  Different in that instead of thinking to yourself that the girl you thought you were going to marry doesn’t feel the same about you, but that two girls who you thought you were going to marry didn’t feel the same about you.  And the thing is, it’s nobody’s fault.  Nobody is the “bad guy” in this whole ordeal.  There’s nobody to blame.  Things just didn’t work out how you wanted.  Then again, there are going to be those times in life.  Nobody said life was going to be perfect, just like nobody said STLCOP was going to be easy.  We just have to deal with it.  On top of this, if I truly loved girl, shouldn’t I want nothing more than the girl to be happy, regardless of whether I am in her life or not?  I suppose it’s just tough love.  I’m still just torn between wanting to win her back and trying my best to forget her and move on.  Even though I know I should just move on (I learned trying to win a girl you love back is a mistake from my second to last girlfriend – they broke up with you for a reason), it’s still incredibly hard to do so.  I keep telling myself, moping around like a sad puppy won’t do anybody any good.  You’ll feel worse about the break up and nobody’s going to want to hang out with you because you’ll bring them down, with your depressed mood.  It’s a lose-lose situation.  Instead, I should be wanting to move on with my life and learn from my mistakes.  Maybe work out to look and feel better, read some science magazines to get smarter, work to earn money, volunteer to make others happy – anything besides be sad.  I just wish it wasn’t always about the girls.  But as I talk with people at the nursing home about their spouses they had or watch one of the older movies with them where the good guy always wins the girl over in the end, it makes it that much harder to take my mind off of it.

To make things worse, I haven’t been able to hang out with many friends over the break.  People are always too busy or don’t pick up their phones, so it makes me feel like I don’t have any friends.  Sure, I can hang out with all the people at the nursing home at be greatly appreciated by them, but they aren’t going to be there when I need somebody most.  At least I did feel a little better from a quote in the movie I watched with the people in the nursing home.  Right before the guy kissed the girl, he sang a song to her, saying something like “When you’re wide awake and you can’t sleep, count your blessings instead of sheep.”  Well, I suppose doing that always makes me feel better.  Praying makes me feel the best though.

Sometimes I find myself asking God what He wants me to see, why He is allowing what is going on in my life to happen.  I ask Him what I did to deserve what I don’t have, when I should really be asking why I deserve what I do have.  I’m always looking to improve in all areas of my life, no matter what it is.  I always do my best to work hard and do everything to the best of my ability, no matter what.  If I’m going to do something, I’m not going to do it half way.  No, I’m going to go all out if I’m going to do something because if I don’t, then why am I doing it in the first place?  I constantly push myself to the limit, telling myself that there are no limits as to what I can do.  I just have to work hard and believe in God’s will.  This attitude drives me and motivates me to keep getting better and closer to perfection, but it is this same attitude that makes people think I am crazy for staying up late night after night and rarely sleeping in my own bed (I usually sleep in the Conference room, the lobby, or the cafeteria).  Whatever happens happens.  He has a plan for every single one of us.  I may not see it at the time, but in the end, I’ll see what his purpose was for what I thought was bad at the time.  I’m so grateful that I have a place to stay over break and that I have a healthy body.  I’m grateful that I have no birth defects and that I look pretty normal in the eyes of others (at least from my perception).  I feel that I was put on this earth to help others, and that is exactly what I plan to do.  I want to become a pharmacist that always practices by the Code of Ethics and can see that the care I exhibit to my patients reflects in their positive attitudes when coming to the pharmacy.  I no longer want to have the patients think of themselves as customers, because they aren’t in my eyes.  It’s not about the money – money isn’t the important thing – what matters is that the patient is getting better in the most efficient way possible.  I really want to touch the lives of others and make an impact on them.  My only wish is that I could be happy with myself as well.  It’s hard to find the balance between being happy with what you have and still being able to improve upon things that could be better when to me, everything has an opportunity for improvement.  When everything can be improved, it makes it hard to be happy with it, so it becomes a paradox.  Whatever though, right?  To me, I just have to have faith in God’s plan and take life as it comes, for everyday is the day that the Lord has made.  I should rejoice and be glad in it. 

Stephanie Seaton made my night so much better when she told me that I had the best smile she's ever seen.  Nobody has ever told me anything like that before, so it really made me feel happy.  I was also speechless and couldn't do anything but laugh on the phone ( you can ask her yourself), so I just told her that I'd see her on Tuesday and ...yea.  But honestly, it's amazing how one sentence can make you feel so much better.  Stephanie is such a nice girl, and I'm glad that I decided to call her.

In my dorm room, I planned to start studying for my lab final, but couldn't find the outcome sheet for it.  Instead, I just started to reflect on this school year so far.  As I've been sitting here, staring outside my window, I remember how optimistic I used to be.  How thankful and grateful I was to be alive, blessed by God in that I have 4 limbs, perfect vision, and no major learning defects.  How millions of people my age would die to be in my shoes - to have a place to sleep every night, have food to eat, and drinks to drink.  But that glimmer of hope and motivation to get myself through here has turned more to despair and agony.  I feel so alone here at STLCOP.  Last year, I felt like I had friends here.  Friends that I could hang out with and count on.  That is, until I got a girlfriend.  I then fell in love with her, wanting nothing else but to spend the rest of my life with her, planning about how wonderful the future would be.  When it came down to it, she would always take priority over everything else besides studying for school.  I loved her so much and thought that she felt the same way, so I found no need for friends as long as I had her.  Boy was I a fool and a jerk.  Over winter break, for the first time, I lied to my parents, saying I was going over to my best friend's house but really going to her apartment.  I ditched my friends so many times for her, it wasn't even funny.  I was totally blinded by love.  When she broke up with me, it dampened my spirits, but I still couldn't let her go.  For about a month, we still talked to each other and hung out.  Then, right before February hit, I remember that dreadful day when we got into a fight about something I don't remember, and she said that she would never talk to me again.  I was so in shock at this point that I really had no idea of what this would do to me.  She had repeatedly told me that she never held a grudge against anybody, so I figured that maybe she would cool off the next day or so, and we would continue to hang out within the next week. 

I was dead wrong.  She hasn't looked at me or talked to me up to this day.  I suppose I was bad enough that I am the first person that she has ever held a grudge against, but I still have no idea what I did to possibly have her so mad at me for.  For a month, I did my best to try and win her back during her birthday and Valentines Day with cards I made her, flowers, chocolate, a Cd I made, chocolate covered strawberries, a gift certificate to the mall, chocolate covered strawberries - everything I could think of to show how much I still loved her.  I sent her sweet text messages, telling her about how much I still cared, left her sweet messages on her phone (since she never picked up any of my calls).  None of this worked, so I finally faced the fact that she was serious that she would never talk to me again.  I had to start new relationships with my friends all over again.  I also made some new ones in the process.  In particular, Brian Tom, Bryce Lee, Kevin Traser, and Julian DeCastro.  Mainly, it was Brian and JuJu that helped me through these tough times.  They are so pure and innocent, but most of all they are FUNNY.  People say that laughter is the best cure, and I agree with them 100%.  I will never forget the times they made me laugh when I needed them most.

Fast forwarding to this summer, I had a blast hanging out with my best friends, making lots of money working at Walgreens, and having fun co-teaching.  About a month into the school year, I started going out with Ruth.  Everyday, she looks more and more beautiful and I fall deeper and deeper in love with her, but I don't want to make the same mistake I did with my ex.  I am so happy when I'm with her, but when I'm not, I feel like I have nobody.  Again, I feel as if I got a girlfriend at the cost of losing all of my other friends.  I love my girlfriend with all my heart, and I would do anything just to make her happy.  It's just that I'm such a hopeless romantic, that that is exactly what I am - hopeless.  I see and feel nothing but sadness for the greater part of my life right now.  Partly because of all the studying I have to do and partly because I want to hold Ruth tightly in my arms, never let her go, and let the worries of the world just fall apart around us in the ethereal feeling of happiness I feel whenever I hug her.  Everyday, I read the birthday card she made me - the most meaningful card I have ever received in my life.  I keep it hung on my desk because every time I read it, I fall back in love with her all over again.  This is also the first card that she wrote the word "love" before signing her name rather than the usual dash.  It touches my heart and makes me feel happy, knowing that she actually took time out to think of me.

I'll never forget the first date I had with Ruth.  We first started getting close when we watched the sunset together every night and we just sat there and talked.  I thought she was absolutely adorable.  After a couple of weeks went by, I finally asked her on a date to the Casa Loma Ballroom.  That day, I had to volunteer for my community service class, so I didn't get back until 6:20 something.  I quickly took a shower, brushed my teeth, and tried to pick something to wear.  I didn't know if I should dress more casual or really formal.  I started trying on a few different button up shirts I had, asking my suitemates whether it looked good or not.  I felt like a real girl, but I really wanted to impress Ruth.  I finally decided on going formal, so I quickly put together a little poem.  I left her a message on her desk to meet saying "The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, At 7:45 meet at the place where we watch sunsets the best."  To my luck, it began to rain at about 7:43.  And it wasn't just a light drizzle, it was a straight up downpour.  I then had to run from the parking garage across from the dorms to the STLCOP parking garage instead.  Anyway, she met me at the bottom of the STLCOP parking garage stairs where I started the night off with giving her a flower.  My goodness did she look stunning.  We then headed off to go ballroom dancing.  When we arrived, it looked like something out of the movie "Casa Blanca" with the wet street look and the lights on Broadway feel.  I paid the man at the entrance as he commented on how beautiful Ruth looked.  We sat down at a table, waiting for the lessons to start.  At this point, we realized we would have to leave the table, so we went to go put her purse back into the car so that nobody would steal it while we were dancing.  As we headed out, the same guy again commented on how pretty Ruth looked, saying that maybe she should stay there with him while I go, making both Ruth and I chuckle.  Of course this man wasn't serious, for he was like in his 60's, the type of grandpa that likes to have fun and make everyone have a good time.  We came back where we learned how to salsa and how to waltz.  It was a fun time, because even if we messed up, Ruth would simply laugh and hug me close, which I had no problem with.  Her hair was soft as can be and she smelled like an angel.  After about an hour of dancing, we left to go get some ice cream from Ted Drewes.  When we got there, we happened to run into Nick Anglim, Jenn Yakopovic, and I think Blake Carley.  Nick commented on how nice I looked (I was in a shirt and tie) and asked if I had a hot date.  For the first time when somebody had asked me that question I actually said yes.  Then, while standing in line, I ran into one of the guys I had trained with in Tae Kwon Do a year earlier and we made some small talk, caught up a little bit on old times.  Back to the story, since Ruth had never had Ted Drewes before, I got her my favorite - a large blueberry concrete - and I got myself an Oreo concrete so that we could share the two flavors.  In the car, we just talked, shared ice cream, and had a good time.  When we got back to STLCOP, we decided to go to the top floor and look up at the stars from the STLCOP garage instead of the other garage.  It was at this point when I asked Ruth to be my girlfriend.  She said yes, and it was there that we shared our first kiss.  I had wanted to kiss her for so long before then, but I knew I wanted to wait until I asked her out, and it was definitely worth the wait.  Not that it would have been any better or anything, it's just that I don't like kissing a girl without it meaning something.  For once, I felt that all my troubles were gone and fell into a place where there is not a care in the world.  That kiss was very special to me and so is every kiss that I have shared with her ever since.  I'm in love with Ruth Chan.

I usually write in this journal everytime I feel like I'm at an all time low, hoping that it'll make me feel better to get my thoughts down on paper (or electronically in this day in age).  And it always works.  I'm feeling better, seeing as how I just sit down and organize my thoughts and feelings throughout the course of almost two hours (I've been studying intermittently when I couldn't think of what to type next).  Life will go on and take its course, and I'm happy to be alive.  Besides, everyday is a day that the Lord has made.  I should rejoice and be glad in it.  It's just hard to be thankful in the midst of school and relationships, that's all.  But I have to keep remembering that no matter what, God will always be there for me, even though I can't see Him.  It is through Him that I have come to where I am today, and I will never forget what He has done for me.

I've been trying to sleep for about an hour now, and I'm still awake.  I was so tired until I actually got into my bed.  Then, my mind starts drifting off, thinking of everything there is in my life.  I'm excited to go back to school, because I can't wait to see all the familiar faces and meet all of the new people.  I still have lots of things to pack, but it's all good.

Even after 7 months of my ex-girlfriend breaking up with me, every once and a while she still haunts my dreams.  When I think I'm over her and hope that I'll never think of her again, she pops up in my mind at the times I expect to think of her the least.  Everyone is always looking for a reason as to why things happen the way they do, but I suppose that sometimes, there is no reason.  It's not her fault and it's not my fault, it's just something that happened, and there's nobody to be blamed for it.  I suppose the only thing that does keep me thinking is why she broke up with me.  She never told me why and I still can't figure out what I did wrong.  I was so blinded by love, and I would have done anything for her. 

On another note, I'm going to be turning 19 in a little over a month.  I feel like I'm so old, yet so young.  The only reason I feel old is that my physical health is so different from what it used to be in high school.  Back then, I felt invincible, like I could do anything.  Now, I'm still trying to get back to where I used to be.  However, I don't think I ever will get back to that physical condition because of school and work always taking time away from my working out.  On the other hand, I still feel youthful and full of ambition.  There is so much left of my life and so much left for me to do.  Volunteering at the nursing home, I have realized that they have already written and set in stone the book of their lives, whereas I still have my whole life ahead of me.  I really want to make the best of it and I really want to make a difference in this world.  Even if nobody will give me the chance or opportunity to make this world a better place for our kids to live in, I'm never going to stop trying.  I'm so tired of all the apathy in our world and I'm sick of people doing things for the wrong reasons.  One example of this is how people "volunteer" at the children's hospital by STLCOP and get paid for it by our school.  Sure, I bet lots of students do it out of the goodness of their hearts, but I bet a lot more wouldn't do it if they didn't get paid.  I won't lie, I have done things for the wrong reasons and it absolutely disgusts me.  We're all human and we're all going to make mistakes, we just have to learn from them.

Overall, this summer hasn't been too bad.  I didn't get to spend much time with my friends, but I did work a lot and I made lots of money throughout the course of the summer.  The downside of this summer is that I feel like I've lost so many friends that I used to talk to.  We've all changed from college and we've lost touch with each other.  I still had the great times I used to have with my closest and best friends here, but everyone besides that, I feel I have lost.  Once again, I've had to deal with the disappointment of people letting me down, but I'm pretty much used to that by now.  I know it's kind of selfish of me, but sometimes I do wish that I could mean something more to someone than just an acquaintance.  Periodically during the summer, I have seen people that I haven't talked to in a year.  Sure, face to face when you see them, they act all friendly and say they want to hang out and that you should call them.  But, when you actually do call them and try to plan something out, they either say they are busy or they cancel their plans with you at the very last second.  I work a lot at Walgreens and they call me a lot to cover shifts, but I always keep my schedule free on days that I planned with my "friends" to do something on.  Unfortunately for me, my "friends" call me the day before or the day of and say that they can't hang out anymore.  I know emergencies come up, but the excuses they give me are by no means emergencies.  Maybe it's just that I have bad luck with scheduling days that I can do things with people, but it gets to be really frustrating or even depressing sometimes when you think they want to hang out with you but then you find out they chose to hang out with other friends or their family over doing something you planned to do with them days in advance.  I can't really do anything about how they choose their priorities, so I really have no choice but to move on with my life. 

I am getting kind of sleepy now, and I do have to work in less than 4 and a half hours, so I think I'm going to go to sleep.  Hopefully, today will be a good day and that I'll feel better after a good night's rest.  Off to dreamland...

Well, I'm finally back in the dorms.  I'm glad, because I feel like I have freedom once again.  I don't know what's really up with me today, but I feel really antisocial.  I don't feel like laughing or even smiling for that matter.  I still think I'm trying to find myself.

I really want to have a better sense of who I am.  Am I who I am because of what others want or expect from me, or do I do the things I do because I really want to do them?  It's been on my mind for the past couple of days and I guess I still don't know what I really want.  Sometimes, when I do something, it feels like I'm not doing it for myself.  It's more like I'm doing it to please somebody else in one way or another, and I just get satisfaction from pleasing them.  Or maybe not.  Even writing here on xanga, I don't know why I'm doing it.  I mean, I could always keep a digital journal in Microsoft Word rather than doing this and letting all others read what goes through my mind, but I choose not to.  It probably has to do with this site being more convenient.  Besides, I'm sure everyone has better stuff to do than read my journal anyways. 

Overall, my winter break went pretty well.  I got to spend time with my friends from back home, but I also got to spend time with my best friend from STLCOP.  I love spending time with her, but sometimes she confuses me so much.  One minute, we're having fun, and the next, things will get weird and sad.  I hate moments like that.  Well, I feel no need to go on typing, because I need to go do other things like look for books.  Hopefully, things won't seem so gloomy, and things will start to get brighten up again.