In my dorm room, I planned to start studying for my lab final, but couldn't find the outcome sheet for it.  Instead, I just started to reflect on this school year so far.  As I've been sitting here, staring outside my window, I remember how optimistic I used to be.  How thankful and grateful I was to be alive, blessed by God in that I have 4 limbs, perfect vision, and no major learning defects.  How millions of people my age would die to be in my shoes - to have a place to sleep every night, have food to eat, and drinks to drink.  But that glimmer of hope and motivation to get myself through here has turned more to despair and agony.  I feel so alone here at STLCOP.  Last year, I felt like I had friends here.  Friends that I could hang out with and count on.  That is, until I got a girlfriend.  I then fell in love with her, wanting nothing else but to spend the rest of my life with her, planning about how wonderful the future would be.  When it came down to it, she would always take priority over everything else besides studying for school.  I loved her so much and thought that she felt the same way, so I found no need for friends as long as I had her.  Boy was I a fool and a jerk.  Over winter break, for the first time, I lied to my parents, saying I was going over to my best friend's house but really going to her apartment.  I ditched my friends so many times for her, it wasn't even funny.  I was totally blinded by love.  When she broke up with me, it dampened my spirits, but I still couldn't let her go.  For about a month, we still talked to each other and hung out.  Then, right before February hit, I remember that dreadful day when we got into a fight about something I don't remember, and she said that she would never talk to me again.  I was so in shock at this point that I really had no idea of what this would do to me.  She had repeatedly told me that she never held a grudge against anybody, so I figured that maybe she would cool off the next day or so, and we would continue to hang out within the next week. 

I was dead wrong.  She hasn't looked at me or talked to me up to this day.  I suppose I was bad enough that I am the first person that she has ever held a grudge against, but I still have no idea what I did to possibly have her so mad at me for.  For a month, I did my best to try and win her back during her birthday and Valentines Day with cards I made her, flowers, chocolate, a Cd I made, chocolate covered strawberries, a gift certificate to the mall, chocolate covered strawberries - everything I could think of to show how much I still loved her.  I sent her sweet text messages, telling her about how much I still cared, left her sweet messages on her phone (since she never picked up any of my calls).  None of this worked, so I finally faced the fact that she was serious that she would never talk to me again.  I had to start new relationships with my friends all over again.  I also made some new ones in the process.  In particular, Brian Tom, Bryce Lee, Kevin Traser, and Julian DeCastro.  Mainly, it was Brian and JuJu that helped me through these tough times.  They are so pure and innocent, but most of all they are FUNNY.  People say that laughter is the best cure, and I agree with them 100%.  I will never forget the times they made me laugh when I needed them most.

Fast forwarding to this summer, I had a blast hanging out with my best friends, making lots of money working at Walgreens, and having fun co-teaching.  About a month into the school year, I started going out with Ruth.  Everyday, she looks more and more beautiful and I fall deeper and deeper in love with her, but I don't want to make the same mistake I did with my ex.  I am so happy when I'm with her, but when I'm not, I feel like I have nobody.  Again, I feel as if I got a girlfriend at the cost of losing all of my other friends.  I love my girlfriend with all my heart, and I would do anything just to make her happy.  It's just that I'm such a hopeless romantic, that that is exactly what I am - hopeless.  I see and feel nothing but sadness for the greater part of my life right now.  Partly because of all the studying I have to do and partly because I want to hold Ruth tightly in my arms, never let her go, and let the worries of the world just fall apart around us in the ethereal feeling of happiness I feel whenever I hug her.  Everyday, I read the birthday card she made me - the most meaningful card I have ever received in my life.  I keep it hung on my desk because every time I read it, I fall back in love with her all over again.  This is also the first card that she wrote the word "love" before signing her name rather than the usual dash.  It touches my heart and makes me feel happy, knowing that she actually took time out to think of me.

I'll never forget the first date I had with Ruth.  We first started getting close when we watched the sunset together every night and we just sat there and talked.  I thought she was absolutely adorable.  After a couple of weeks went by, I finally asked her on a date to the Casa Loma Ballroom.  That day, I had to volunteer for my community service class, so I didn't get back until 6:20 something.  I quickly took a shower, brushed my teeth, and tried to pick something to wear.  I didn't know if I should dress more casual or really formal.  I started trying on a few different button up shirts I had, asking my suitemates whether it looked good or not.  I felt like a real girl, but I really wanted to impress Ruth.  I finally decided on going formal, so I quickly put together a little poem.  I left her a message on her desk to meet saying "The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, At 7:45 meet at the place where we watch sunsets the best."  To my luck, it began to rain at about 7:43.  And it wasn't just a light drizzle, it was a straight up downpour.  I then had to run from the parking garage across from the dorms to the STLCOP parking garage instead.  Anyway, she met me at the bottom of the STLCOP parking garage stairs where I started the night off with giving her a flower.  My goodness did she look stunning.  We then headed off to go ballroom dancing.  When we arrived, it looked like something out of the movie "Casa Blanca" with the wet street look and the lights on Broadway feel.  I paid the man at the entrance as he commented on how beautiful Ruth looked.  We sat down at a table, waiting for the lessons to start.  At this point, we realized we would have to leave the table, so we went to go put her purse back into the car so that nobody would steal it while we were dancing.  As we headed out, the same guy again commented on how pretty Ruth looked, saying that maybe she should stay there with him while I go, making both Ruth and I chuckle.  Of course this man wasn't serious, for he was like in his 60's, the type of grandpa that likes to have fun and make everyone have a good time.  We came back where we learned how to salsa and how to waltz.  It was a fun time, because even if we messed up, Ruth would simply laugh and hug me close, which I had no problem with.  Her hair was soft as can be and she smelled like an angel.  After about an hour of dancing, we left to go get some ice cream from Ted Drewes.  When we got there, we happened to run into Nick Anglim, Jenn Yakopovic, and I think Blake Carley.  Nick commented on how nice I looked (I was in a shirt and tie) and asked if I had a hot date.  For the first time when somebody had asked me that question I actually said yes.  Then, while standing in line, I ran into one of the guys I had trained with in Tae Kwon Do a year earlier and we made some small talk, caught up a little bit on old times.  Back to the story, since Ruth had never had Ted Drewes before, I got her my favorite - a large blueberry concrete - and I got myself an Oreo concrete so that we could share the two flavors.  In the car, we just talked, shared ice cream, and had a good time.  When we got back to STLCOP, we decided to go to the top floor and look up at the stars from the STLCOP garage instead of the other garage.  It was at this point when I asked Ruth to be my girlfriend.  She said yes, and it was there that we shared our first kiss.  I had wanted to kiss her for so long before then, but I knew I wanted to wait until I asked her out, and it was definitely worth the wait.  Not that it would have been any better or anything, it's just that I don't like kissing a girl without it meaning something.  For once, I felt that all my troubles were gone and fell into a place where there is not a care in the world.  That kiss was very special to me and so is every kiss that I have shared with her ever since.  I'm in love with Ruth Chan.

I usually write in this journal everytime I feel like I'm at an all time low, hoping that it'll make me feel better to get my thoughts down on paper (or electronically in this day in age).  And it always works.  I'm feeling better, seeing as how I just sit down and organize my thoughts and feelings throughout the course of almost two hours (I've been studying intermittently when I couldn't think of what to type next).  Life will go on and take its course, and I'm happy to be alive.  Besides, everyday is a day that the Lord has made.  I should rejoice and be glad in it.  It's just hard to be thankful in the midst of school and relationships, that's all.  But I have to keep remembering that no matter what, God will always be there for me, even though I can't see Him.  It is through Him that I have come to where I am today, and I will never forget what He has done for me.