Here are the things that I'll never say...

The End

I went to bed early last night. I thought that it was a good idea to get some rest early. However, I had nightmares about my past instead. They were nightmares that I couldn't wake from. Two particular snippets from my dream that really hurt were these:

I was viewing my dream as an outsider which took place at an airport that definately had to be somewhere in the south. I was watching my mother sleeping...on the floor, face down. She was extremely thin and wearing dirty jeans and a dirty white tank top. Her long blonde hair covered most of her back. Next to her, on the floor were two small boys who couldn't have  been older than 3 yrs old and filthy. They were sleeping as well. The older of the two awakened, got up and stared at me. Usually small children misbehave but this one didn't leave his mother's side.Wanting to watch the family of three no more for it was hard to bear, I walked quickly towards an escalator.  I couldn't find which one lead down. No matter which I went to, they always went up.

My dream then flipped to another scene:

In kindergarten and riding the school bus. I was sitting alone and not wanting to talk to anyone else. Something wasn't right this morning. No one was talking. When we got to school I found out why. One of our classmates was missing. Not as in just absent from school, but missing. I started crying, went and tried to talk to any adult I could find of something I knew. But no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I went through what seemed like hundreds of people. No matter which way I turned or who I turned to, they only acknowledged my presence but continued to carry on their conversations. They walked by and ignored me or pointed me in other directions. Then finally I found my teacher who did not say a word when I approached her I confessed to her " I should have told you before, I saw Him looking at her everyday. I am so sorry, it's my fault, I knew something was wrong".

I heard a really loud crash like the school had been hit with a demolition boulder then a rumbling noise that would subside then start again. I awakened from my dream to a violent thunder storm.

And now I am going to be depressed all fucking day. My psychiatrist and a friend said that I can still live my life a long time ago. I am almost an adult now and I still feel trapped. I can't see it happening without THEM making an appearence in dreams or when I am alone all the time. I hate my life. 

I am angry! Raarrl! Yarrrrr!

Here are a few things that are pissing me off on a daily basis. I am thinking it will help me let go of a few. Feel free to leave whats bugging you in your comment.

-Whining bitches
-Stereotypes
-People who judge you by what race you are
-The guy who said all gays start drama
-A STEREOTYPE
-Rapist
-Child Molestors
-Scrawny bitches who think they are hella tuff
-Shallow people
-Drama
-Femine guys
-Really over weight people, it makes me sad, just go on a diet and you will live longer and have a better life...
-People who descriminate against drugs when they know nothing about them
-People who say using steroids is cheating

-Guys who wear too tight of clothing
-Fat girls who think they are skinny and can wear tight clothing
-Skinny girls who think they are fat
-Fat ugly guys who think they are still the fashion queen
-Guys who wear too much make-up
-People who say Rap isn't real music
-People who do not appreciate R&B (Barry White, Marvin Gaye, Temptations, 4 Tops...)

I am so sick and tired of conceited nelly guys who don't work, pile MAC make-up on like glamour-trash, call other people ugly, and go prancing around with expensive things that their sugar daddies got for them.

I am PISSED at the fact that guys concentrate on physical attributes more than anything. If you've got a hot BF why dangle him over a pool of sharks? I am tired of guys making fun of me for being thin. Yet they go and obsess about their own weight sometimes even having eating disorders. I don't make fun of people for being a little heavy nor do I pick out any other obscelete flaws. I love to love and it's difficult to when no one will let you.

I saw a few beautiful things I saw one day at the mall. I thought I would share them.

I was at the mall and saw a girl letting her dad hold her hand in public. She didn't say "Dad, I am too old for that!". Instead, she cherised every moment and let her dad hold her hand as he probably did when she learned to walk, when she learned to cross the street, when they ran through the sprinklers, when she learned to ice skate, when her heart was broken for the first time...It was like an unconditional unspoken way to say "I love you and I am here for now".

There was also a really old couple... I mean REALLY OLD. Like, "shouldn't be outside" old. They had just finished sharing a pretzel from Auntie Anne's. The man of the couple crumbled up the bag and tried shooting it into a nearby trashcan like a basketball. The woman joined in and they wouldn't stop shooting the bag at the trashcan until it went in.

The last thing I saw was an old cleaning lady playing on the optical pad. It's a mat on the floor on which interactive images are projected... like a computer monitor that you could stand on and use your feet as the mouse. She kept checking to see if anyone were watching her.

These things just reminded me of how much I am missing out on the little things in life.

I need a drink...damnit school tomorrow. ugh!

So the last few days have been great. It's been really hot out! In the 80's today!

I got my eyebrows waxed and they kinda itch. At least they look better.

Here's a blog entry from my offline journal.

SECRETS IN WHITE HOUSES

I have a neighbor that is a friend of my parents. He was one of the very first people that I can remember meeting that was not a family member. I used to visit him every Sunday afternoon just because I had nothing else to do. When his nephew who is a year older than me came over in the summer, my visits were most frequent. Some Saturday mornings my mom had me go with him to help him open his shop at a flea market in Jersey. 

Last year, my visits became less frequent until I didn't have the time to go at all. At one point he had been very sick and that was the only reason why I went for a visit. Yesterday morning, I saw my neighbor out and about at his usual walking routine. He waved me down before I had the chance to head up the driveway. For such an old guy, he walked pretty fast. I smiled and said hello to him. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek then asked about my parents. I told him that they were doing well. He started telling me about his family...you know, small talk. He also spoke of how much he missed my visits and that they meant a lot to him. Then suddenly, I realized that something was wrong. Although he was smiling, his eyes told another story.

He must have noticed that I had not been listening and that I had been searching his face for an answer. Before I could ask, he grabbed my hand and began to tell me what he was concerned about. The story of his past and medical history was unveiled.

Finally, he proceeded to tell me that he only has 6 months to live. I felt like I had been hit in the chest with a cinder block...no...worse... like I could have done more for him. I felt guilty about not being able to visit him. I suddenly wished that I could help him at his shop once again, or sit outside on the patio in the summer talking to him while he made floral paintings on canvas.

My throat tightened and I couldn't speak. The things I wanted to tell him right then couldn't come out. He told me that he didn't tell my parents about it yet because he wasn't ready to. Once again he hugged me then walked off . The man that was standing in front of me, I would never ever be able to see or talk to again after 6 months...ever. To know that he's literally living his last days makes me reevaluate my own life.

On the same hand, I feel completely helpless because it's out of my control and there's nothing I can do about it. This is the worse feeling I've ever had.