I went to bed early last night. I thought that it was a good idea to get some rest early. However, I had nightmares about my past instead. They were nightmares that I couldn't wake from. Two particular snippets from my dream that really hurt were these:

I was viewing my dream as an outsider which took place at an airport that definately had to be somewhere in the south. I was watching my mother sleeping...on the floor, face down. She was extremely thin and wearing dirty jeans and a dirty white tank top. Her long blonde hair covered most of her back. Next to her, on the floor were two small boys who couldn't have  been older than 3 yrs old and filthy. They were sleeping as well. The older of the two awakened, got up and stared at me. Usually small children misbehave but this one didn't leave his mother's side.Wanting to watch the family of three no more for it was hard to bear, I walked quickly towards an escalator.  I couldn't find which one lead down. No matter which I went to, they always went up.

My dream then flipped to another scene:

In kindergarten and riding the school bus. I was sitting alone and not wanting to talk to anyone else. Something wasn't right this morning. No one was talking. When we got to school I found out why. One of our classmates was missing. Not as in just absent from school, but missing. I started crying, went and tried to talk to any adult I could find of something I knew. But no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I went through what seemed like hundreds of people. No matter which way I turned or who I turned to, they only acknowledged my presence but continued to carry on their conversations. They walked by and ignored me or pointed me in other directions. Then finally I found my teacher who did not say a word when I approached her I confessed to her " I should have told you before, I saw Him looking at her everyday. I am so sorry, it's my fault, I knew something was wrong".

I heard a really loud crash like the school had been hit with a demolition boulder then a rumbling noise that would subside then start again. I awakened from my dream to a violent thunder storm.

And now I am going to be depressed all fucking day. My psychiatrist and a friend said that I can still live my life a long time ago. I am almost an adult now and I still feel trapped. I can't see it happening without THEM making an appearence in dreams or when I am alone all the time. I hate my life.