SPINAE's Xanga

leaving on a jet plane

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 03:55:52 GMT

but i'll be back again. on august 1

=) i wish i had the energy and the mind to write a well written entry for all my readers (the 3 out there.. love you~)
but i do not.

So- instead, i'm just going to make lists of everything swarming around my head. flow of consciousness, if you will.

reservation hell. brother, boyfriend, boyfriend's brother, more debt?, traveler's diahrrea, inevitable, important moment, missed goodbyes, puppies, clouds, too hot, car trouble, why, why, why, i miss my extended family, not enough sleep, exercise, but always enough food, good food, really good food, mmm houston, mm austin, miss friends, love life, no religion, or still not yet made up my mind, crocs or no crocs, or materialism for that matter, lasik?, weight loss, wish i could stop thinking about weight loss, bumpy skin, tanda light treatments, spf 70, karaoke urge, keep losing my voice, screaming in the car for fun, i want to go to korea, i want to cook korean food, these are getting longer aren't they? =P, pirates, ex boyfriend nightmares, stabbings, knives, blocking the purchase of a knife then my brother going and buying a knife, blueberries are the new mango, i dont like pastel colors anymore, i dunno why, flipflops aren't comfortable anymore, people are desperate and doing bad things, giving money to homeless with optimism, broken windows abound, still love love and hate hate....

.... wow now my brain is a complete jumble

these are all sincere thoughts i've had in the past week... <3 i miss you, do you miss me?

100 days and counting

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 14:25:41 GMT

the wonderful steven kim sent me flowers today for our 100 days

there are mini daisies, lillies, the chrysanthamums, these lime green flowers and it's all in a cute glass vase tied with a straw ribbon <3

all my male relatives make a gaggy face when they see them and my female relatives sigh and congratulate me =P

Thanks Steven!

Koreans

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 12:39:51 GMT

So, I've been working for my parents these past few weeks. I will until they get back from their trip in late June. The customers we serve are diverse in background, but specifically, my encounters with the koreans will be the subject for today's rant.

Whether I recognize them or not, many of them make mention of how they knew me when I was younger. Some will say, "Oh, you've grown up so fast!" And others will say, "Oh! How come you have so much acne? Aren't you an adult now?" or, "You were such a skinny little girl, it's hard to believe you've gotten so fat! You've gotten quite fat, haven't you?"

I reply by agreeing with their observations. I really don't know how else I can stand up for myself in situations like that except by saying, "Oh, it's getting much better now.. and I'm dieting/exercising."

Anyway, I'm representing my parents, and I know they've continued to run a successful business because of the way they treat their customers. In addition to this responsibility, I am younger than all of our customers and that means I should always pay blind respect. I force myself to respond to the comments as politely and as nuetral as possible. But, I find times when it's hard to swallow the criticisms and casual opinions from people I don't know very well. It's part pride. (In these cases) It's part dignity.

So fine-
I've gained 20 lbs (no joke -_-;;) since last summer. And for some god-forsaken reason, my face is now home to many clusters of pimples. (woot.) I'm not proud of any of these things, but I am obviously aware. I have a reasonably healthy self-image, and I keep an optimistic perspective on life's adversities. But damn. Korean people cannot keep their ugly opinions to themselves.

I think it's just one of those, "when i grow up, i'm going to be different" things.

11 days until graduation

Mon, 05 May 2008 13:25:12 GMT

its so close but there are 2 exams and a paper to defeat before i'm released from this institution

i make college sound like a mental hospital and my education experience a war

but really, college was a place for me to be free, to explore... my heart, my mind and the world around me

and really, my education experience, although a challenge, was another opportunity to define myself

and now

looking back at my resolutions:

i found my job

i'm going to graduation on may 16th

i'm going to go to peru july 8 (ish)

i'm going to start my job on august 11th

and ... i'm going to keep moving =) or a more appropriate word would be.. progressing

CHEERS to a good life friends!

time to make things straight

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 04:41:42 GMT

i realize
being open
is not saying yes to everything
and now
i feel like i can
make things straight
completely
here i come 22
and there you go 21
better than i ever imagined
a change from within
and i expect to see
the effects
the humiliation that life brings
its everyday quirks
its everynight dreams
and that is that
good riddance to what things seemed
its time
to be me
happy birthday

resolutions

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 09:10:33 GMT

there are many things on my mind.

all my experiences behind me and all that i anticipate in the future

=) 2008 simplified:

find a job
graduate
peru, brazil, chile
move
start work

the soundtrack to my life

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 11:47:43 GMT

If your life was a movie, what would be the soundtrack?
Instructions:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool... & a lot of the songs fit with
the setting

*i'm going to do w/ james did and add a few lyrics that i think are relevant?

Opening Credits:
Frou Frou- The Dumbing Down of Love

Music is worthless, unless it can
Make a complete stranger
Break down and cry
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
And what will happen
Lover alone without love
And will you listen

Waking Up:
Steven Curtis Chapman- Great Expectations

First Day At School:
Rent- Rent

Falling In Love:
Wicked- A Sentimental Man

Fight Song:
Rent- Happy New Year

Breaking Up:
Utada Hikaru- About Me

My baby, a lot could happen before tomorrow
Think about the pain before you take another dose
Who knows if it could be good for you after all

Prom:
Kelly Clarkson- What's Up Lonely

Life:
Bright Eyes- Poison Oak

Mental Breakdown:
The Beatles- White Christmas

Driving:
Soukyuu Fafner- Seperation

Flashback:
yin Yang Twins- Wait

Getting back together:
Matt Wertz- Green Pastures

Wedding:
Natalie Grant- Held

Birth of Child:
Fleetwood Mac- Don't stop thinking about tomorrow

Final Battle:
Rockapella - The River of Dreams

Death Scene:
DeathCab for Cutie- The Sound of Settling

Funeral:
Faith Hill & Tim McGraw- It's Your Love

End Credits:
Soul Relief- Emmanual

procrastination nation

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 00:44:07 GMT

the land that i live
waits until i leave
to farm to trade to educate to succeed

where i've gone will be the same
the disease follows my name
at last, it won't come until it's just too late

procrastination nation
waiting for formulation
justification and live action
in t minus the last minutes

the land that i live
waits until i leave
to dance to dream to breathe and be

UM- i should be writing my paper! =)

and so it is just like it should be

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 03:29:41 GMT

dear friends,
if you have an opportunity to take a holiday from your current life, current circumstance, current relationships, current reputation, current responsibilities and current underlying social roles...

Would you take it?

I believe I am living this "holiday." The major expectations I have from my new friends is, "don't judge me because I won't judge you." It's refreshing. This does not mean I am living my life carelessly and I've sold the soul i've been building and trying to get to know for the past 21 years. It means that I can really discover myself. For this to happen, I can't help but be selfish. It has to be about me right now for this to work.

The freedom to express. The freedom to try new things.

For example, at home I can react in the way "Sinae" would normally react to. It was who I am at the time, but because of the daily grind I didn't have an opportunity to explore different reactions to social situations, relational situations, etc. I could almost say that I was stagnant. I was complacent with who I was, I was content and simply happy with my circumstance and was consumed with my life and the obligations I committed to.

But here, I am free to consider different perspectives. I have time to seek silence and ability to attain it. (I know that's hard to believe since I'm such a talker) I have friends that are transparent and I, in turn, can be transparant to them. There is less manipulation, less judgement and I have absolutely no shame about who I am.

It's nice to know that in this experience, both a trial and opportunity. I am still who I am.

Hong Kong and consequences.

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 23:49:05 GMT

I just spent 7 days and nights in the greater Hong Kong area. The company was absolutely wonderful, the conversations were exactly what I needed although never providing complete solutions. Who needs vanilla answers anyway?

Gloria and Anita were selfless and extremely hospitable. I didn't expect any less, but somehow I'm always amazed at the quality of their friendship. To me, they're flawless. If you know them you probably agree with me. <3 I think collectively we took like 4 Gs of pictures. That's a bit ridiculous, but we were feeding off of good energy and the sensation that we, the tres amigas ("San pan yoa"), were world travellers... together.

So, coming back to Singapore, I got down into work mode and had about 20 straight hours of paper writing, researching and group meetings. I pretty much ended the night with the worst caffeine-migraine of my life and some unnecessary facebook stalking. But above the academic strains on my mind, there are bigger picture items. How can I fit the globe in my 3"x5"? What once before was cropped to two happy faces just doesn't seem enough. Andrew knows me better than I know myself and he put it this way.

Maybe I am changing here because there are no consequences. Maybe the reasons I have begun seeking career opportunities in Southeast Asia is because I want to keep these changes and have the freedom to do more without the relationship, family and religious ramifacations I'd face at home.

I'm going to be honest with you. Selfishness is rooted in who I am, I have yet to find anyone to blame for it... (not even myself whoops.) But, I suppose there is always more time to think about it and real-time analyze my thoughts, actions and emotions. Until next time.... cheers to a beautiful world =)