自分で自分を落ち込ませた

今日ふと思った。なぜモテないのかと、男性に。別にモテモテになりたい訳ではない。ただ恋人ができないと言う意味だ。で考えた：自分は女性として、異性として魅力的ではないのかと。女性らしくないのでは？確かに学校にズボンにティーシャツと靴で行ってお洒落もクソもない。髪の毛だっていっつもまとめている。体型だってやせてるわけではない。と言うより日本人としては太ってる方だ。それは（体重）今がんばている。でも性格も女性らしくないかもしれない。男子友達からは多分『女性』と言うより『同じ男』と言う目線で見られているような気がする。つまり、魅力がない。そこで頭の中で（空想？妄想？）ある異性の友達に『私は女性として魅力的ではないのかな？』と聞いてみた。（あくまでも空想）で、『ない』と言う発言をさせたら泣きそうになった。落ち込んでしまった。自分が自分を。。。もし機会があればその空想にでてきた友達に聞いてみようと思う。

まさか自分が女性として魅力的ではないという事に落ち込むなんて。。。自分はこれで良いと思っていた。これはこれで良いとこなんだと。でも後一年ちょっとで二十歳。それなのに彼氏の一人も？あ゛あ゛ぁ゛ぁ゛～～落ち込む。。。　ま、これもまた気まぐれと言うか、気の迷いと言うか。。。なので気にしないでください。

--chika

companionship

i'm starting to want some comapanionship. its not like i don't like being with other people but being by yourself is more... comfortable. i mean, you don't really have to draw a line.  but now its like "i wanna watch a movie, i should ask ____" or i even thought of asking my sister if she wanted to go shopping with me! i must be insane. i mean, if i go shopping with her, i know better that i'll be stuck with her about 5hrs or 2 more hours than i would by myself.  hmm.. but then again, it could only be a temporary thing. i'm just bored lol.

--chika

whee~ i went on a first date lol. ok, so its not really a "date" i just all that when i go out with someone one on one haha. i usually go with girls (still i call it a date). but yeah, this time with a guy friend. it was fun i guess. went gun shooting for the first time and i sorta "drove" but ahhh... scary! i mean, i'm scared of myself lol. it was like that girl in Pacifier (zoey?) i didn't know you only had to "touch" the accel/break. i just jammed my feet in it lol. i made myself feel sick hahaha. yeah but it was alll good. i am hoping i could drive

--chika

complaint

ok so this could be just my selfishness but i just can't stand it. i have to let it out! so advising session is in. i e-mailed my advisor who is in spain right now how i am doing. which isn't good but better than last year since i have no Fs at the moment.  and then he says that i gotta get my grade up or my GPA wouldn't change.  saying i should stay in the library and study really hard or tell him what wrong. idk why he asks me that really. "whats wrong"? i just don't feel like studying thats what. so i said  ok, i'll study really hard. then he replies. there's only one more month of school left and that no matter how smart i can be, i can't get my grades up or something like that. maybe better sounding but oh well. and then he advised me to go to the 1st year learning center although its sorta late yadda yadda yadda.  and then we shall talk about what to do next.  1st of all, i don't have any problems studying. i have a problem of start studying so i don't wanna go to the stupid 1st year learning center. but i have to or else i can't get anything going on.  and i am studying really hard now. who knows i might get my grade up! you know, he isn't a good advisor.... i am hoping he is not reading this XD

chika