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Saturday, July 12, 2008

Currently Listening
Division
By 10 Years
see related
Brand New Start

It's so weird how I'm dreading college but I can hardly wait at the same time. I guess it's layed out like this:

Pros:
~Living on my own (kinda)
~Making my own schedule
~Doing things on my own time
~No curfew
~Meeting new people
~Taking classes I'm interested in
~Living with Abby :)

Cons:
~Being away from my family
~Being away from my friends
~Not really knowing what I want to study anymore
~Being lonely
~Not meeting anyone/having no friends
~School being hard

Also, working 4 days in a row, 3 of which were 9-5, made me see that I really need to find something I love doing. I like animals, but really, how much am I actually working with them there? None. It's all people. And cleaning. and more cleaning. and people. It gets so annoying. I'm so glad to have a day off. The rest of the summer I work 4 days a week. I am not too excited about it. I just don't want to wish my life away.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

I feel like whenever I reach out to people I'm ignored again and again.

I feel like when people reach out to me I push them away again and again.

I want what I can't have and I don't want what I all ready do have.

Too maybe stupid play on words sentences...I just don't know what to do at this point.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Catch a Falling Star

Vacation was fun. My grandma has worked and lived in Boston for 17 years but I've never really gotten to walk around the city. I loved it, it was beautiful. It's the only American city I've been to that reminds me of the ones in Germany. It reminds me of Munich the most. I usually am not a big fan of cities but I'd love to live in Boston. I think I like it so much because it's so historic. It is one of the oldest cities in America, which isn't saying too much in the grand scheme of things, America really isn't that old. I hope to go back someday.

And we went to Rhode Island, like always. It's beautiful as well. The ocean was so cold we only could go in for a few minutes. We walked the beach wall and got ice cream and went to our favorite restaurant, Champlin's, like always. I got sunburnt, but I love the beach. I saw my little cousins, which was fun but tiring. Jason, the younger one, can't say my name, although he has a very impressive vocabulary for a 3 year old, so he just called me "Steve" the whole time. I guess it sounds a little like the end of my name....Jus-teen...steve...maybe.

While sitting on the beach wall one night I saw a shooting star. It was the second one I ever saw in my life and it was so bright, it was amazing. I made a wish that I desperately hope comes true.

I have this feeling that I am subconsciously pushing people away and I hate it. I feel like I'm making people upset and I don't mean to be, or people think I'm blowing them off or something. I'm not really sure why I think this...I think I'm just scaring myself and feeling guilty for things that don't make sense. I just hope I don't come off that way.

I just have to live it day by day.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Today I was driving to work and I realized I'm kinda having a late-teen crisis. I don't really know who I am or what I want to do with my life. I'm scared of college and leaving home. I've made new friends who I hardly know and have left a lot of old ones behind. I feel like I'm in limbo and I don't know where to go next. I thought I wanted to be a zoologist but got the shit scared out of me at orientation and realized I can't do it. Orientation was horrible and I felt alone and confused. I'm going to have to change my entire schedule, not to mention my major, and it doesn't help that the classes I did get I didn't even really want because all of the ones I DID want were full.

I hate to complain, I really hate it when people are like "aww I'm so upset boohoo look at me" but I'm feeling worse than I have in a while and I just need to vent a little, you know? And I hate this even more about myself, but all of the guys I've liked recently, are losers. One I obsessed over for quite a long time only pays attention to me when it's convenient for him. It's sad that I just realized that now when people around me have been trying to tell me the same thing for so, so long.

I like all of these people who are unattainable for one reason or another, and just don't like me, but it's probably for the better because none of them are exactly winners. And I just keep pushing the people who really care about me away, and I feel like a bad person and I wish I could change how I feel. I think college will be good for me. I know I'll be lonely for a while, but I think it'll get a lot better.

And for some reason I've been doubting myself in every way recently. In every situation I'm always thinking "I could have never thought of that, I'm not smart enough to think of that, how could I ever do that, I can't". It's really disheartening and I don't know why it's so bad. I just feel like I'm not smart and I'll be bad in college and I won't be able to learn and, I dunno. I just feel inadequate in every way.

And I bought a CD at wal-mart and there was no CD inside. How...is that even possible? That doesn't seem like it should be possible. But today, I guess it is.

Friday, June 13, 2008

See ya

Tomorrow I'm leaving for vacation. It's one of the three vacations we go on every single year, but a little different. The three vacations are:

1. Rhode Island to stay at my mom's mom's house and see her side of the family. It's usually a week.
My grandma lives literally right next to the ocean in this cute little down that you can walk everywhere in, I really love it, and I love New England/the ocean so it's fun times.
2. South Carolina to stay at my dad's mom's house and hang out there. It's usually a week too.
My other grandma lives in Myrtle Beach and lives only a few miles from the ocean, so we swim around there and go to the tacky stores and mini golf places all around Myrtle Beach. It's all right.
3. Kentucky to stay at Kim, my step mom's, family's cabin. This is the best vacation and sadly only 2-3 days.
I love this because Morgan, Mere, Andi and usually Julia all come because duh, it's Kim's family's so really it's their family's (except Julia, of course). So we all just hang out at the cabin and feel like hill billies and swim in this awesome lake a few miles away. The cabin is in daniel boone national forest so it's kinda in the middle of no where. it's so much fun.

The vacation I'm going on tomorrow is the first one, so I'm pretty excited. Even better, it's a little different cause my Grandma is retiring from her job as the dean of the school of nursing at boston college, so we are staying in boston most of the trip. I love boston, it's probably my favorite city out of the ones I've been to in the U.S. So I'm excited to go to her retirement ceremony and run around boston. She's been there for almost 20 years so it's a big deal. Hopefully I'll be able to use my computer when I'm there, I'm sure she has wifi. I'm kinda sad to leave, I always am before I go on vacation, no matter where it is. Oh well, it's only a week.

Not sure why I'm writing this, it's not terribly exciting, but that's okay. See you guys in a week. :P