SadnessPart1's Xanga

Life..stop...I wanna get off...

Fri, 16 May 2008 21:13:51 GMT

Or at least change directions.

Life isn't stopping anytime soon. THings just keep on changing and though I try to keep up I am falling behind. WOrk has changed a lot. My job is changing. On the plus side I got to learn something new and negatively...I haven't got the time to sit at all. Then there is the constant are we moving or not. Mom and dad keep changing minds about living together. TIme to pack I can't find. Having to move again, is exciting yet sucky.

I have these feelings in side me, that I bury because they aren't right, yet the dreams continue to haunt me and that wont change anytime soon. I am faced with a near daily reminder of them. Where did they come from? I guess you don't know the answer any better than I do.

Yes I am rambling....guess I feel the need. Thanks for listening.

My child

Sun, 11 May 2008 11:01:52 GMT

Thank-you for being a part of my life. It is not always easy for us, but that is life. I do not always make the best decisions. I don't always make the choices you like. I know that we both say things we should not. I do not believe that you hate me, though it still hurts when you say you do. Yes it is because I love you. Someday I hope you understand what it is to love a child. Until then you will never truly know what love is. You will not feel complete until the first time you hold your child in your arms. That is true love. Until then be patient with me and I will be patient with you. Know that being your mom is the best thing I have ever done in this world. If I were to be given a second chance I wouldn't change a thing.

Count your blessings.

Mon, 05 May 2008 19:49:33 GMT

I count mine every day. It has been over three months since:

Everytime I think of how life stinks. How it sucks to have to move again just a year after moving. How I wish I were rich. I remember this particular accident. There are so many worse things in life that could happen that I must be thankful for what I do have. My husband slammed into the back of a semi @60 MPH. It was 330 am, it was dark and the truck sat in the road with no lights on. Course the truck driver denies this. The truck dragged my hubby several hundred yards and then left the scene. My husband walked out of this wreck. The jaws of life were used to pry the steering wheel off his belly. He was cut and scratched. His belly badly bruised. His knee blown out. He survived. Was this an act of God, a well built vehicle, or a nice strong semi? I do not know. I only know he is still here and there must be a good reason.

Let that be a lesson to all of you. Though things don't always go the way you want them to, it could be much worse.................

Forgive me

Sat, 03 May 2008 21:21:01 GMT

I have been absent from my Xanga life and world. I have dearly missed reading all the wonderful & creative posts that my friends create here. I have missed creating my own posts. My creative has left me lately and though I try not to try to find it, it still is not there. I miss it dearly. I can't seem to reach the words that are trapped inside fighting to get out. I start and it looks all wrong so I have to trash it.

Me

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 22:27:34 GMT

I am not sure where my inspiration has gone but lately it has been missing from my life. Kinda stinks I guess mostly because I am tired of seeing a blank screen in front of me. I can feel something simmering in my mind but I have yet been able to bring it up to the front! Ah well maybe an other day!!!!!

Had a good weekend. Had some families over for a lunch & play. Kinda a social situation with kids. I am trying to make hubby some friends....he gets upset that I have people and he does not.

Holy crap we had the cats gutted (spayed) and declawed (front) and that cost us $400....shoot things are just too expensive lately.

WWC4

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 17:07:51 GMT

Weekly Wiriters Challenge Weekly Writing Challenge:Free write for five minutes, a story, beginning with "He found the cacophony distracting as he walked in the room."

He found the cacophony distracting as he walked into the room. He walked towards the front of the room. He was not expecting the class he was taking to be starting out like this. This was a class on paranormal research. He got closer to the group at the front of the room. They seemed to be gathered around a computer. He leaned to the woman on his left

"what did I miss"

she smiles towards him, " demonstration with pictures of spirits or ghosts if you will."

He frowns for having been late. "Oh? Please explain it to me."

The first ones are much. pictures of orbs. A common phenomenon in the paranormal world. Then came the picture of excitement. At first glance the picture they are looking at looks like a normal store front. But once you brighten and zoom in on the picture you can see a form of a man. It started out looking as if there were a few orbs on the window, or a reflection When the teacher looked closer he found a shadowy form that joined the orbs. The orbs became the arms and legs."

"How amazing that is. I guess that would cause a lot of excitement"

Reflections

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:08:40 GMT

32 years of life. Age is but a number. I don't feel 32 or do I? I have never been 32 so how can I know what it should feel like? I do know I feel more alive than I ever have....

My childhood was pretty easy. I am an only child so I have never had to deal with siblings. Yet I have 4 kids, what was I thinking? I had a space that was all mine Oh how I long for that again and I never had to share my parents. When I was younger my mom stayed home. As I got older , mom started working. Eventually I came home to an empty house again how I long for a few minutes of emptiness. Then I had nights where mom worked late and dad was out of town.It didn't seem to tramatic then but now I know it was very lonely. Yet I survived. I was an ok teen. I did experiment with drinking, smoking and skipping school. I outgrew most of that. I still drink occasionally and I have skipped some college classes. I got involved in sex @ 16. once you start that you can't go back...ever... Played that safe until I got married. I had 4 serious relations Dom, Bill (first love& kicking self), Tony (stupid) & Michael (forever). I also had a few minor relations. Greg (still kicking self), Rick (fun & scary). I had some one night stands. Those will remain unnamed. Moved out at 18. stupid, stupid, stupid. Married at age 21.

I became a mom at 22. Depression & insanity set in. Therapy and drugs antidepressants became a part of my life. So I added 3 more kids to the pot. Again what was I thinking? Yet 10 years later, I am a survivor. I am in control of my life. I love me.

What I have learned & want mykids to learn:

*Don't rush life. Stay young while you can.

Growing up and being an adult is fun, yet scary, and going home is never the same.

*Move with care and live everyday to the fullest.

You have no idea how short your life can be.

* Love yourself.

Be proud of who you are. Don't change your image and be what they others think you should be. Be positive & be happy!

*Love others.

Hate is ugly & it makes you ugly. Give love - you don't know when you are making a difference. Doesn't need to be an I love you. You could give a smile or hello. Hold open a door. Help someone out.

*Love your children.

Be there for them. Spend time with them. Listen to what they have to say. Learn from what they teach you. Hug & Kiss them often.

*Love your spouse.

Communicate and listen. Never go away mad. Appreciate them. Say I love you & mean it.

*Love your parents.

When all else fails you are loved & welcomesd by them.

I thank everyone who is a part of my life or has passed through my life. Those friends, family & teachers that have been there for me. Those who have guided & taught me the way. Those who accept me for me & don't expect me to change.

Lastly I love all my Xanga friends, who have inspired me and listen to me....

Thank-you!

I am sorry

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:06:10 GMT

To all my Xanga friends

I am sorry that I wont be as active as I was. Work took my xanga away. I can no longer access it from work so that gives me less time to read, respond and post.....

Work (part2)

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 12:52:52 GMT

I know I complained about work (*SIGH*) a couple days ago. I have to admit there is something good about the company I work in. They made #11 in Orlando's top 100 companies for working families. That kinda makes us special. What makes us even more special is we are like a family. I had a question about something so I emailed a contact. That lady then forwarded it to her boss. The VP I guess is his title. The VP emailed me that he needed to discuss it with so & so and he would let me know. Much to my surprise the VP came to me yesterday and face to face answered my question. A part of me was surprised that he knew exactly where to find me. Yet I shouldn't be surprised we have a meeting with a bunch of people every morning. An other part of me was extremely impressed (hell I am proud as....) that he would take the time to come and talk to me. I have never worked in a company where the higher ups take the time to get to know all their employees. I am sure it probably helps that I am the head of "my department".

Just wanted to share!

Letter to Me.

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 12:07:41 GMT

Letter to me

This really doesn't tie in with my story...maybe I will write a second one that does.

Dear Hope,

I know sometimes life seems hard. At 16 years of age you just don't know really how easy you have it. Don't rush growing up. Once you leave home you can't go back. It will never truly be the same. Being an adult is not all that you imagine it is. You have to have a job and be in charge of your own life. When you are sick there wont be someone to baby you. Take life as it comes. Live every day like it is your last one. Life can change all too fast.

Take your time, don't rush into sex, its not worth it. Don't be too loose. At least love the one you are with. Don't take that ride with Charlie, you wont enjoy it. You did handle yourself ok. Take more time to write your california boy.....he fades out of your life too fast.

You will regret leaving your highschool sweetie one day. Don't dwell on it, there are reasons , 4 good reasons. You gotta let him go. When you meet your lifemate and fall in love, the excitement will fade. Still, you will love him. You will fight as couples do. Never go away mad. Tell him you love him every day. Never forget to communicate, tell him how you feel. If you do it will be ok.

Keep in touch with Gram. So when her time comes you wont feel like such an outsider. As for Nana, she'll never change. Take what warmth she gives and don't worry about it. Give Shadow more love in the end and be more proactive with her health. She will need you to be the strong one. And please keep a collar on Rambo so she can come home.

Love, me (your future me)

And for a letter to Jennie the star of our story....

Dear Me,

You will marry and have a beautiful child. Give your husdand as much love as you can. Life is short make it sweet. Don't worry though in things have their ups and downs and before life is done you will find what you have been seeking all along.

love, your future me.