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SarahSunshine
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Name: Sarah
Country: United States
State: Texas
Birthday: 12/30/1984
Gender: Female
Expertise: Everything...except Fooseball, and mile markers.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/30/2003
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| This is my last entry in this xanga. Like a diary (which is what this stuff is supposed to be) that has been with you since you were little, this has alot of stuff from a person I no longer am. I'm growing up. I might make a new one, just so I can still comment on other peoples, or tell everyone I never get to see stuff that is happening, but it's time to close the book on this one.
My mother (as I was growing up) always did something that I totally resented. (and still do by the way). Everytime everything got totally screwed up, or even when I made stupid tiny mistakes, she always would go "what did you learn" and annoy the heck out of me. But I think...because it's obvious that alot has been screwed up lately, this would be a good time to document exactly what I did learn. Here we go.
1) I'm worth waiting for. I give myself to easily, and then get given up as easily. I'm going to take life a little slower, and get attached a little less.
2) No one expects me to bounce back from huge horrible things perfectly fine. I always hold myself to an "I'm doing perfect, or I'm ready to die" kind of mentality. That isn't reasonable. People have bad days, but it doesn't mean the end of the world should always be around the corner.
3) I can't expect people to live and feel like I do. It isn't that any particular friend has failed me, we just all grow and change at different rates. I have people that care about me, and always will. Whether they are there physically or not, I'm going to just believe that I am loved.
4) Who I am is not a direct result or what or who I have. I can be whatever I make myself.
5) Nothing lasts forever, and that's not a bad thing. I spent my whole relationship trying to safe-guard losing Ryan by making promises and requiring return promises. There is no promise that can be made that will change inevitable outcomes. "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."
6) I'm not going to make promises lightly ever again. Not that all my promises were made lightly, but I think sometimes I vowed to be Ryan's because I wanted him to vow to be mine. Maybe I didn't really believe what I was saying. And obviously, if a promise is made that isn't truly felt, it will be broken. And it's no one's fault.
7) I was given a gift, I was allowed to feel love and security for two whole years, people go life-times, and never acutally acheive this. I am lucky.
8) Love is beyond my understanding, and I shouldn't claim it arbitrarily.
9) My priorities are....God, Family, Friends, and self.
10) I learned last time how to have faith in God because I lost everything, I learned this time, that being scared of things changing doesn't stop them from changing, I wasn't miserable because I lost him, I was miserable because I felt powerless to fight the change. I wasn't miserable I was scared, and I don't have to be. It doesn't really hurt like I thought it would. I should have just given into it earlier.
There are about a billion things I actually learned from breaking up with and dating Ryan Buehler, and I can't begin to list them all. I could make a completely seperate list of things I learned directly from being with guy, but most of them are to personal to just post. So I'll leave it at this. I'm going to be ok....and I always have been.
I love my friends, the people that came from no where to drive me really fast around corners, to hold me and hug me and tell me everything would be ok. To tell me I'm not alone, to cry with and for me. To help me understand myself. Thank you all so much. All this time you really were there when I needed you, I just hadn't really needed you all those times before.
-Sarah Sunshine
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| In case anyone cares, nothing is ok. I'm losing him, I'm losing me, and
I have nothing else. I'm empty, and alone and unworthy. My whole
life I've cared way to much. It seems like I'm the only one who
feels this deeply. The only one who cares about making things work,
about being commited. Every friend I've ever made I've lost. They all
just seem to powder in my hands. And I had him for 2 and half years,
and he's always been there, and now I just....I just don't know how to
handle it all. I'm not this big, and no one is there, and...I lay awake
at night truly wishing with my whole being that I could die. That
it would all be over. I can't do this, I just can't make it through.
Each stupid thing I do, I keep waiting for my movie like friends to
congregate, take care of me, hold my hair while I puke, and then smile
for the credits to roll. It doesn't exist. I've been waiting my whole
life for forever. For the people that are going to matter in 20 years.
It isn't going to happen. Nothing will ever be better. And someday,
when I master being totally alone, I'll die. And no one will
care. I'm giving up now. I just can't do it.
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| What's the fucking point?
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| I am a mess. And...the depression is eating me alive.
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