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Schreirisse_des_Staubes
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Name: Chris
Country: United States
State: West Virginia
Metro: Parkersburg
Birthday: 10/30/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: Social Darwinism~Music~Bass Guitar~Fantasy/Sci-Fi~Debate~Politics~Conservatism~Talk Radio~MMORPG~EverQuest~Computer Games~Half-Life~Counterstrike~Tool~A Perfect Circle~Metal~Halo~Nocturnal~Complaining About Taxes~G4~Computers~FOXNews~Vampires~Lycanthropes~Hunting~History~Maynard Keenan~Well-Rounded, Don't Judge Me by the Way I Appear...~German/Scottish Ancestry~Embracing my Heritage~People Who Don't Want Me to Change
Expertise: Debate~Computers~Politics~Proving Welfare, Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare are Illegal~Proving the Failure of Socialism~Tool
Occupation: Student
Industry: Government
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  DiscordantPeace
Member Since:
1/22/2006
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| I haven't updated in quite some time, not that anyone reads this anyway.
However, I think I need to get back to pooling my emotions into words. Stress has consumed my life, and those I used to go to are engulfed in their own mess and/or are frustrated with me in some manner.
I really feel as if I've no foundation left to stand on, and I can only fall to my knees and bleed relentlessly all over the woven carpet of fate.
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| I'm currently telling myself that I need to get my ass in gear again with school
Simultaneously, I try to find the best distractions my Bookmarks have to offer.
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| In the past three weeks, I've found disillusionment and pain.
It never goes away.
Katelyn's the only one who can really give me any sense of relief from it, but I feel I'll get too clingy if I let it go unwatched.
I can't let that happen.
I won't let her or myself get hurt by desires.
I'm finding myself huddling inside my walls again.
I'm drifting away, and I just want to let it all go.
I've never let myself be controlled by the machine, and I obviously can't live with it.
The only possible solution is an escape or becoming part of the machine itself.
Neither seems feasible.
I'll never find peace, but my will and desire will never let me give the dream up.
Even my one escape, sleep, has been haunted for the past six months with restlessness and nightmares.
I'm falling away, but I won't let go.
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| In short, over past couple of months, I've had some of the most extreme highs and lows I've experienced in quite some time. I was doing my best to calm a little, and then the world just gave me a huge slap in the face. I was extraordinarily thrilled to be a delegate to the WV GOP Convention, but afterward, I became more disillusioned than ever before in my life. I really don't think I can be a part of the system that is politics. So much of it is just pure bull shit, and I can't bring myself to that.
I've found great disillusionment in all my realizations of the truths of humanity. I choose not to ignore a lot of it like most, so it was quite a dagger in the chest. I thought I had figured out my place last semester, but that all changed this semester. I found my hopes ignited in new things this semester, but those become increasingly doused. It's so tough. Yeah, I'm blessed with a lot of things, but what most people don't realize, is when you're blessed, you're typically equally cursed. Sometimes I just wish I could give it all away.
In general, I find myself trying to escape my past and leave it all behind. However, simultaneously, I become increasingly discouraged about the future. As someone who needs to constantly have some idea of what's next and a lover of history and its lessons, I find this paradox of my situation to be increasingly confusing, frustrating, and has created a great sense of disillusionment in my mind. I feel like I'm back in junior high trying to figure out who I am, where I am, and what all this means for what and where I'm going to be. I'm stuck in a rut. I've got one of the most amazing people I've met by my side, but in the end I find myself in a thought process of discontent because I can't allow myself to bare my heart to anyone completely. I'm trying hard, but I've found a lot of distance growing between myself and my friends, and especially between my family and I. I try to prepare myself mentally to trust in myself and take responsibility in myself while becoming a person of solitude in order to create a defense in the situation that I become too distant from all the others. However, this hinders my ability to simultaneously open my heart, and the opening causes the distance to hurt even more. While this occurs, my opening heart opens too much in the ends where people are close, and I become a bit paranoid. All my life, I've tried to teach myself a state of balance in everything, but it simply doesn't work. There are days when I feel so alive, that I could change the world, and the next a reality check when I wish I could just die inside.
Though I don't have as rough of a life as a lot of people, and my sympathies go out to them, having such a chaotic and violent internal battle for two decades has really worn on me. I'm too old for my age inside, and there's no turning back. Some days I'm thrilled to enjoy the passions and carefree circumstances of college, but lately I've just wanted to leave it all behind. It just keeps getting tougher and tougher, and I know it reflects on my words and actions toward my peers. I'm sorry for that, but it's in who I am. It's the way I've always been. The thing I fear most, is the consequences of the past will revisit again and again. I don't know if I can handle that this time.
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| I'll throw up these walls
And scream myself to sleep.
Bleeding years of wounds and scars
Are forever mine to keep.
I'd give it all away in one drink,
Just throw away misfit sand castles with the tide.
Take my thoughts and pound them to dust
Nothing left in this heart to abide.
Kiss the air with empty words,
All you'll find is the cold wind of pain.
I stand before the world a broken man,
All the heavens offer is a steady, cold rain.
Staring into the sky,
I forget where I am,
What all is going on around me.
I let all the happiness just pass by.
Take my gaze to the road ahead,
No windshield to protect.
The shit hits the fan,
And I'm smacked with all I dread.
So give me something to hope for,
Some happy fragrance,
Perhaps an enticing light.
Something I can adore.
Like I moth to the flame,
I let the world betray me again.
I rebuild these walls.
All I have is myself to blame.
So now I set my gaze to the front,
But this time, I'm prepared.
Though the path ahead is not so clear,
I'm looking at it all through a pane of glass.
The pain, this time, is not so near.
Reliving it all,
And trying to leave it all behind,
I find that with every new experience,
I become more and more blind.
Shake my fist at the heavens,
I scream in vain.
Bleeding throat,
Bloodshot eyes,
Eardrums pounding,
Skin peeling,
All I'm left with is a sweet smell that burns my nostrils,
But even more so my mind.
Give it all away,
And hope that soon it'll be my time.
My time to live,
And the ignorance to pass.
Someone to finally take notice,
And see inside.
Take a look,
It's such a cold place to live.
Save my dreams and turn away the tide.
This is all I have left,
In trust, I wish I could abide.
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