well..it's been a year since i've updated this thing & since i only seem to write in here when i'm down or having a bad day, today seems like a pretty good day to update. &..i've been thinking. a lottt has changed recently. like a lot a lot a lot that i'm not too sure i'm ready to go into detail about at the moment. but the whole thing has really made me think & i've really really really began to re-evaluate myself and the decisions i make. i hurt people, and then expect them not to hurt me back, i lie to people, and then expect them to tell me the truth, & i push people away, and then immediately want them back. & that can't be right. it's gotta be too much to expect things of people that you, yourself don't provide. but i dunno. cause i'm hurt. and i dunno if this whole thing is just talking out of my ass or whatever, but i dunno. i just don't feel right. i don't feel like i'm doing right. i feel like a bad person. & i feel like i have to talk about what i mean by all this. ..well, i met this guy, almost a year ago, in may, & we've talked ever since. as friends, but also as more. he grew to love me & deep down i think i grew the same. but ya see, for a while, i kept something from him. but my conscience got the best of me & i confessed. everything. i broke down and told him the truth. and even though we weren't together, or boyfriend and girlfriend, i felt like i kinda owed it to him to let him know what had been happening. so that's what i did. i confessed. came clean. whatever you wanna call it. & we got over it. like no big deal. but then, not long after that, things headed downward, and i didn't think it was what i wanted anymore. so i told him. and we didn't talk. for a week. until i realized it really wasn't what i wanted. so we started talking again. but then he repayed me for my mistake by keeping two things from me. but he told me what he swore was the truth, and we got over it again. like no big deal. i fucked up, you fucked up, no big deal. but little did i know, that wasn't it. and about a month later, after drunken words, a crazy fight, and a badass attitude, the truth finally came out. and i felt betrayed. by someone who supposedly "cared about me", but once again, i brushed it off. like no big deal. then two days later, something else happened. something he didn't keep from me, but that he knew would ruin any chances of us ever becoming something. and i said i'm done, that i couldn't do this anymore, it hurt me too bad, and that i deserved better. someone who wouldn't lie and hide things, someone who really cared about me, and someone who wouldn't act like he was acting. but now that we don't talk, and i sit here thinking about what could've happened and what should've happened, i wonder if i was the reason for the whole thing. i wonder if the reason he hid things was because he really did care & figured the same thing i figured when i hid things, that if you sweep it under the rug, noone will know and nothing will become of it. but then i think of the day i came clean, and he sat next to me, with his arms around me, crying his eyes out, "confessing" a lie, and it makes me wonder how you can lie, in tears, to someone you "love" and "care about"? how does a person do that and feel okay? my conscience ate away at me everyday i kept something from him, and when i confessed i confessed the truth. all of it. wholeheartedly. and he didn't. he still kept things, and threw things back in my face. but was that all my fault for hiding something first? did i spring it all upon myself by expecting the respect from him that i didn't give him in the first place? do i deserve to be slapped in the face over and over again? should i care? should i want to work things out, or should i throw my hands up and leave? ..my heart's heavy. and it hurts. | 
